Christmas Presence




On days that we had an actual experiment in the lab, Mr. Peacock wouldn’t allow Electra on the table.

But all the lab equipment that wasn’t in use was stored on a big wide shelf across the back of the room. Electra loved to run around, and flip over, that stuff.

The occasional ‘tink’ of something shifting from her weight and banging something else, though it stopped my heart, gave her a thrill, too.

So that day, she was exhausted by the time I got to Study Hall. I got to my usual library table and set up a little fort of paperbacks. She crawled in and was like unto the dead for most of the hour.

So Christmas missed her. A new girl in the school introduced herself as Chrissy, but someone got a glimpse of her transfer sheet and blurted out her full name.

The whole school heard about it before lunch. The knuckle-draggers hooted and hollered her name when she walked into the library. She didn’t react, just stomped past their table, looking around the room.

I stood up and pulled out a chair. “Chrissy!” She smiled and came over, but she still looked cautious. I was trying to be nice, but I’m guessing she was worried it was a setup.

“Hi, I’m Conrad. Welcome to Springwater High.” We sat down.

“Thanks,” she said. “I guess you already know my full name. Please don’t make jokes, I’ve heard every one there is.”

“Ah,” I said. One of her eyebrows lifted. “Well, I’m in no position to tease you about your name, but saying you’ve heard them ALL makes it a challenge.”

“What’s wrong with your name?” she asked, puzzled.

“Conrad? Too easy. ConEd, Norad, Conan, Condom… I was ‘Gonad’ for six months in 7th grade, after Health class covered the birds and the bees.” She laughed. I liked her laugh.

Well, let’s be honest. I always like when people laugh. At least, when I’m intending to be funny. Not so much when I dance or walk or try to do math problems on the board where everyone can see how stupid I am… But laugh at my jokes? I’m your devoted slave.

“So, you’re a wit?” she asked.

I shrugged. “People laugh at my jokes more than they tell me they’ve heard it before.”

She tapped a finger on her lip. “Okay. Ten.”

“Ten?”

“If you can come up with ten Christmas jokes, or one joke I haven’t heard, I won’t take it personally.”

“How personally?”

“Nine or less that I’ve heard before, I kick you in the fork.” She said it loud enough for the whole room to hear. Instantly, I had an audience.

“Deal,” I said. “But, you have to let me know before you kick me, Electra’s going to want to watch.”

“Okay,” she said, though she looked confused. I’d have thought you couldn’t be in this school for ten minutes without knowing there was a student who’d sylphed.

“Cool. Okay. Well, first off, every boy you’ve ever dated has wanted to unwrap his Christmas present.”

“An easy one,” she said with a nod.

“And, every boy you’ve broken up with has tried to give you a Christmas goose.”

“Yes,” she growled. “And with Christmas Carol in mind, the braver boys have asked if you’re a virgin. To see if you’re-“

“Christmas yet to come,” we chorused. People laughed. Neither of us, though. We were in deadly earnest.

“And for the other ghost, someone wanted to cheat off of your test at least once, because everyone knew that Christmas passed.”

“Close enough,” she allowed.

“And someone bought you a bottle of hair dye, so you could go door to door Christmas Clairoling.”

“No,” she said. “No one’s ever made that joke.” She smiled in surprise. I smiled, too, I was safe from a crushing kick.

“That’s five!” someone shouted. Technically I was done, but far more importantly, I was the center of attention.

“Okay, okay, okay.” I grabbed a piece of paper and started drawing on it. “Well, if you and I ever went on dates, we’d either go Dutch, or I’d be sure to pay.”

“That sounds sexist more than a joke,” she said.

“No, no,” I said. I held up my drawing of a star. “See, if you buy, I’d have to put a star on the Christmas Treat.”

“That’s bad,” she laughed.

“If I was busy with something, and you walked by, and I could smell your lingering perfume, but couldn’t see you, that’d be the Ghost of Christmas Passed. Passed right by.”

“That’s even worse,” she said.

“Thank you,” I said, because she was still smiling. “Has anyone ever asked you to play on the softball team? Because he promised his mother-“

“Christmas at Home,” she said with me.

“It’s a good thing you don’t smoke,” I said. She looked away, trying hard to imagine what my joke was. I let her think about it for a while.

“Christmas smoke?” she asked.

“No, but depending on your habit, you’d burn through a LOT of Christmas Lights.” I gestured to strike a match.

“Or if she smoked Menthols!” Katie Williams shouted. “Those would be Christmas’ Lites.”

“That would work better in print,” Chrissy said.

“Some jokes do,” I said. “Like if you did magic, those tricks would be Christmas Sleights.” I waited to see if I needed to explain ‘sleight of hand’ to her. But her eyes showed comprehension almost immediately.

“So, ten jokes AND some I’d never heard of,” she said. “No kicking.”

The knuckle-draggers booed, some kids laughed, most went back to whatever the hell they were doing.

“Darn,” I said, “Electra will be disappointed.”

“Who is Electra and why does she want to see you kicked?”

“Because she can’t reach,” I said. I lifted up the roof of the paperback fort. Electra woke at the sudden light, rubbing her eyes and squinting.

“You have a sylph, too!” Chrissy said. She leaned over to look down on my pet. “Good afternoon, Electra.”

“Who are you and what do you mean, too?” Electra asked.

“Electra, this is Chrissy,” I said.

“Cool!” Chrissy chirped. “Chip said someone in the school had a pet sylph, but not two.”

“Oh,” Electra said.

“Ah,” I said. “You mean Jennifer.” I moved one stack of books out of Electra’s way.

“Yeah, do you know her?”

“I used to be Jennifer,” Electra said. “So, you know Chip?” I was paying close attention to her expression. She didn’t seem jealous. That was good. Maybe she really had gotten closure.

“Yeah, we were talking in Physics.” She looked at me. “You changed her name to Electra?”

“And now you know part of why she would have wanted to see me kicked in the fork,” I said with a sigh.

“Who’s kicking? When? Is there time for popcorn?”

“No,” I said, picking my sylph up by pinching the back of her bodysuit. “I managed to avoid that fate.” I dangled her over my pocket. “Say goodbye to Chrissy, Electra.”

“Goodbye, Christmas!” she shouted. So she’d been faking sleep… And now, was she trying to get me into trouble? I dropped her down out of sight. “TELL MY STOREEEEEEEEEEEE!” she cried, her voice descending as if in a long fall.

Chrissy giggled. “She’s funny.”

“Yeah, I don’t know where she gets it.”



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Index

13. Feelings

15. Consultant