Over The River Part 1


I gotta admit, I do love the way Conrad packs for long car trip. It’s only two hours from Boise to Springwater, but he plans for a full day.

He assumes he’s not going to want or need to stop for food, water or potty nearly as often as the wee sylphs do, so he arranges the passenger seat accordingly.

Everyone gets to pick two snacks to have at hand for the trip and one drink, and the bathroom is not just emptied, but cleaned so as to limit any growing odors.

There’s a sun screen over the carrier and hammocks for sleeping and I get control of the radio.

To get Delli to wear clothes for the entire week, he offered a bribe of buying her three new outfits to wear. She agreed.

Then he asked us what we wanted as bribes.

I was fine. I mean, I was just as glad to see Delli dressed for company as he was. Mrs. Loudon would be okay with her nudity, but Conrad’s dad would be so afraid of staring at her, or people thinking he was staring, that he’d probably never look at her.

Cher jokingly asked if there was a way to get ice cream stored in the Tantive-C for the trip. Conrad nodded. “None I can think of, but I DO know of an ice cream parlot in Mountain Home. That’s about halfway.

“And I know the folks will have ice cream on hand-“

“Sir, I was joking!” Cher protested.

“I wasn’t,” Conrad shrugged. “I want to have a fun trip, which will go better if everyone feels fairly treated.” He reached down to pet me.

It always surprises me, just how gentle that finger can be, looming overhead and descending like a crane boom. Yet the touch, when it reaches me, is never a shock, never a bruise.

“Are you sure there’s nothing you want?”

“I’m fine,” I insisted. “Really.”

“Well, if anything comes to mind, let me know.” Then he took Delli shopping, so she’d have time to make her alterations.

“Aren’t we going?” I asked.

“And spoil Delli’s big moment when she reveals the finished, tailored dress?” he scoffed.

“Ooooh, BABY!” Delli purred. Cher and I laughed.

“Well, you certainly have her number,” Cher said.

So we watched TV from the end table while they were out, and stayed out of the set while she worked.

“What are the parents like?” Cher asked while we were alone.

“They raised Conrad,” I said. I shrugged. “And they saved me.”

“I’m starting to figure out how Brandy felt,” he muttered. “What are they LIKE, woman?”

“His dad’s a bit competitive. Don’t get into a drinking or eating contest with him.”

“I haven’t got the tonnage,” he replied.

“Oh, he’s got the conversions all worked out,” I assured him. “He doesn’t want to take unfair advantage.”

“Nice of him.”

“No, it just means he can brag that much more if it was obviously a fair fight,” I laughed.

“He brags about picking on poor defenseless little sylphs?”

“Cher, the man challenged me at Clue. I assure you, he doesn’t consider us poor or defenseless.”

I let him mull that over for a minute while I thought about Mom. I just kept thinking of the night of my little breakdown.

Covered in pizza sauce, held and petted by her, bathed, bedded.

“Mrs. Loudon… She’s got Conrad’s grasp of interpersonal relationships. But she also can do math in her head.”

“Ah,” he smiled. “And she knows what interpersonal relationship means.”

“And cookies to die for.”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah,” he sighed.

It was another ten minutes before I realized that, in my head, I called them Mom and Dad.

Huh.

-----

Conrad SAID he wasn’t going to drive like a maniac. He SAID he was going to take it slow and enjoy the drive. He’s always been fond of just having the experience of driving, no matter where we go.

But then, ambling across the great wasteland that is the Magic Valley, one gets bored of the scenery pretty damned fast.

His foot slowly pushed the pedal down harder and harder. We actually made it to Mountain Home before the parlor opened.

“Darn,” Conrad said. He’s always surprised when he makes good time on this freeway. He just does the same thing every single trip.

“It’s okay,” Cher promised him. “I will trade ice cream for a favor to be named later.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“You already know what you’re going to ask for, don’t you?” Delli accused him.

“Maybe,” he said, trying to exude an air of mystery. Conrad just smiled and accepted it. Off we went.

Just before the Springwater turn-off, he took the exit for Twin. More to the point, he took the exit for the bridge leading to Twin. And the scenic overlook.

“I can has overlook?” I asked.

“And you make fun of MY grammar?” he shot back.

“I CAN HAS?” I insisted.

“Oh, very well.”

He pulled over and produced a wire basket to carry us in. When he set that on the railing, it felt like being in a viewing stand with a safety cage around it.

“OOohh, Conrad,” I said. I explained my attraction to the view to my co-pets. They nodded appreciatively. Cher noted that he’d seen the view in the set windows. “Squeal,” I said softly.

After that detour, it was another 15 minutes until we were home. Both parents came out while he was parking.

There were hugs and welcomes and grabbing luggage and the set.

Mom took the carrier in and set it on the kitchen table. Right next to a big platter of cookies. “Score,” Delli said as she sniffed.

I led them out onto the table.

“Oh, aren’t they adorable!” Mom said. Dad dropped the suitcase and sat across from her. “Okay, this must be Hair and this must be Costume.”

“Oh, CRAP!” Conrad said, slapping his forehead. “I never told you, we changed their names when we bought them.” He introduced the sylphs and let them explain their name choices.

There’s just NO WAY the Loudons hadn’t seen the Annie and Pet episode, where both of these sylphs were introduced. They were punishing Conrad for not expressly keeping them up to date on something they considered to be family matters.

Owning sylphs around here meant increasing the family, not the inventory of negotiable assets.

They complimented Delli’s dress and her and my hair. Cher and Delli beamed, instantly won over by the big, smiling giants.

The cookie didn’t hurt, either.

I got to give a tour of the set and they oohed and aahed in all the right places, both at Conrad’s designs and my decoration.

They had questions about the Sylph Center, about certain sylphs we’d had on the show, and of course, Carrie Fisher’s carrier.

We sat at the mini table, ate cookie and talked and talked. We found out that Chip and Chrissy had stopped by, introducing Raven and Brandy. They were quite impressed with both girls. And they always loved my little buddy.

“Damn straight,” I said.

“And we heard about your advice, Cher,” Dad told him. He looked up at the humans, shocked. Conrad looked surprised, but still didn’t realize this was another chance they’d had to know the real names.

He has a big heart, but he really is stupid sometimes.

“What advice was that, sir?”

“Please, call me Wade,” he said. “I haven’t gotten Electra to relax in all these years, but maybe you can still learn.”

“Yes, si-, um, Wade. What do you mean?”

“About adopting sylphs but maybe not Rescues.”

“And we heard about your input, too,” Mom said to Delli.

“Yeeeeeeeees?” she drawled.

“Well, there was a restaurant that tried to add Passion Cakes to their menu,” Dad said.

“In Twin Falls?” I asked, surprised.

“No, in Springwater,” he said.

“How long did they last?” Conrad asked. It was a logical question. You know what they say, Jews don’t recognize Jesus as the Messiah, Protestants don’t recognize the Pope’s authority and Mormons don’t recognize each other if they meet in a Hooters. There were enough nosy eyes in this town to ensure that no one would dare frequent such an establishment for fear of being ostracized.

“Six months,” Dad said.

“What happened to the sylphs?” I asked.

“We’re going to see them tomorrow,” Mom said. “And maybe bring them home to stay with us.”

“It’s not like we can ruin the Loudon’s reputation at church any further,” Dad said.

“Well,” Conrad said slowly, “I think you could. And I think this might just be THE way to convince them you’re not coming back.”

They all smiled at each other.

Delli started to giggle. “They’re going to have less of a wardrobe than Brandy had!”

-----

The sylphs had become the property of the bank when the restaurant failed. They had no idea what to do with them.

As we knew, there’s not much of a market for former sex workers. Especially in Southern Idaho.

The bank manager was a drinking buddy of Wade’s, and knew the Loudons had a sylph.

We went straight into his office and Conrad put the carrier down on his desk. The manager looked down at us suspiciously.

“I, uh… What are they…?”

“I wanted their opinion,” Wade said. “The sylphs?”

They were on a shelf behind the desk. They were in the cage that they’d been brought out to the tables in, for guests to select the sylphs they wanted.

They were no longer naked, but they only had tissue paper wrapped around them.

There was a man and two women. Of course. You could pair either woman with the man, or have both women on your cake, but there was no way anyone could demand a couple of men to make out on their table.

I should have predicted that ratio. I suspect that Conrad already had.

Conrad opened our carrier door and Delli led us out. She had a shopping bag from a visit to the store on the way over.

“Oh, my God, people, you don’t wear Kleenex after July 4th!” She pulled shorts and t-shirts out of the bag and tossed them into the cage.

“Wait, they’re not yours, not yet,” the manager protested.

“It’s okay, Cross,” Wade said. “Even if we don’t take them, you can keep the clothes.”

“Hear that?” Delli asked. “Get dressed so we can look you over.”

“No one ever says that…” the man said, shocked.

The women were already tearing the tissues away and getting dressed. Mom asked if the sylphs could step out, but the manager refused to open the cage.

“They’re fully trained, so their market value is $30,000. Each. I can’t risk a loss like that for my investors.”

“They’re not worth $30,000 if no one wants to buy them,” Wade replied.

We ignored the negotiations and stepped up to the cage. “Hi. I’m Electra. Who are you?”

“I’m Mark,” the man said. He pointed to one of the women. “This is Set. This is Go.”

“And,” Cher said, “the idea was that the diner could tell the woman they picked to get ‘on your Mark,’ huh?” He shook his head. “Conrad level punning.”

“Hey!” our owner protested. “On your Mark works, as does ‘Get Set,’ but what can you do with ‘Go?’ I’d at least have come up with three names that actually lend themselves to punning. No wonder they went out of business.”

We ignored him, too. I introduced the others and asked how they felt about maybe coming home with the Loudons.

“How often would we perform?” Set asked.

“Never,” Mom, I mean, Julie said. They stared at her.

“You can believe it,” Cher said. “I’ve been with some of these people for 8 years, and they’ve never once forced, or even encouraged me to have icky hetero sex with either of these women.”

“Icky?” Mark asked, standing up a bit straighter. He looked hopeful.

“I’m in favor!” Cher told Julie.

“Are we gonna have to clean your chair again?” I asked him.

“I’ll put a tarp down!” he promised.

“Anyway,” I said, “these are cool people. You won’t have to earn their trust. You can just start with credit. You can lose it, but it’ll take effort on your part.”

“We won’t run away,” Go promised.

“And not just because you guys smell like bacon,” Set said. “Although that doesn’t hurt.”

“We can find another breakfast,” Julie promised.

Now they all looked hopeful. I suppose I did, too.

In the end, Wade got all three sylphs without even breaking his credit card limit. Cross just wanted the seamy sylphs to go away a lot more than he wanted to be able to claim profit from the situation.

Then they took us all to the Oregon Trail diner for a late, or second, breakfast, as promised.

Cross threw in the sylph’s cage. Wade put that way in the back of the trunk. The sylphs rode with us. Conrad asked what was going to happen to the cage. It was a perfect straight line, as if he and Wade had practiced.

“Well, there’s a steam press at work. I dunno if anyone would want to help push the button on that damned thing… Anyone?”

The sylphs were afraid to answer, still unsure about their reception here. What they could and couldn’t get away with. Wade shrugged. “Well, eventually, someone’ll express interest.”

“Speaking of ‘someone’,” Julie said, “you guys get to think up your own names.”

“Really?” Mark asked.

“Do… Do they have to match?” Go asked.

“Oooh,” Conrad murmured. “That could be fun. Coordinating three names for a group. Winkin, Blinkin and Nod or maybe-”

It was another perfect straight line. I’m convinced he said it ONLY so that Mom could shut him down.

“PEOPLE in this house will have their OWN names,” Julie said coldly. “They can coordinate if THEY want to, or not, as they desire.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Conrad said.

“But their last names WILL be Loudon,” Dad said.

Inside the carrier, the sylphs looked startled again. And my partners looked wistful. “Delli? Cher? You DO know you’re Loudon’s, too, right?”

“We are?” Delli asked.

“I didn’t look,” Cher admitted. “I mean, I just… If what he wrote down wasn’t ‘Cher,’ I didn’t want to know.”

“Uh huh,” I nodded. I went to the window and grabbed the bars. “CONRAD!” He lifted the carrier up to his face.

“Conrad, what’s Delli’s full name?”

He grinned. “Ghirardelli Mollo Loudon.”

“And who is Mollo?” I asked him, as if I couldn’t guess.

“He’s the guy that designed Leia’s dress, the one with the hood? When we first see her,” he bragged.

“So,” I said, “I’ll bet Cher’s middle name is whoever designed Leia’s hair?”

“Lucas,” Cher said. “I can live with that. If my last name is Loudon.”

“Of course it is!” Conrad said.

“However,” Julie said, “I’d say that our new sylphs are WELCOME to use Loudon, if they want. We won’t force them. I don’t know how long they’ve been sylphs. If they remember their original names, we’d be just as happy if they chose those.”

“Oh, of course,” Wade said. He pulled into the parking lot and turned to the back seat and the carrier his son held. “I didn’t mean to be pushy, I wanted to be welcoming.”

Mark stared out for a while, then gave a small nod. Go started to sniffle and Delli took her into a hug.

Set just shrugged. “I could use food before deciding,” she said.

“Then food it is!” Wade announced. The humans got out of the car and we went inside.

Wade asked to be seated in Margo’s area. Turned out that she knew him personally. So, it was a bit of a surprise when she figured out who half the sylphs on the table had to be.

“Those are those NAUGHTY creatures, aren’t they?” she scandaled.

“Well, depends on how you look at it,” Wade said calmly. We shuffled around a bit on the table while Conrad moved the carrier to the floor.

“Whatever do you mean, Wade?” Julie asked. She’s not quite as good at subtle straight lines.

“Margo’s daughter works for my company,” Wade explained. I saw Margo give a little start at that thought. “The question is whether Lorelei IS a stripper or WAS a stripper, now working a new life without having to take her clothes off.”

“I see what you mean, Mr. Loudon,” Margo said with an expression of slight embarrassment. She bowed to the sylphs. “What can I get for you, honored guests?”

“Someone said bacon,” Set said.

“I can smell bacon,” Cher said.

The humans were still full from breakfast and just had drinks and slices of pie. We had a side order of bacon, a slice of toast, and a fried egg.

Go kept staring at Wade while we waited for the food. “I… Sir, I want to be a Loudon.”

“Then you’re very welcome, Miss Loudon,” he told her, extending one finger. They shook on it. Set started to sniffle again. She turned to lay her face against Delli, bending to reach the petite woman’s shoulder.

“How did _I_ get to be the rock?” Delli asked. Her tone was complaining, but her face was alive with wonder and pride. Her comforting grip was firm.

-----

As breakfast wound down, Delli wanted to go get new clothes. Julie wondered if they needed their own carrier before clothes. Wade had a few questions for the registration forms, though he could wait for the full names.

I realized they were looking a little strung out. There’d been a lot of changes in their lives recently, especially this morning. They could use some time to adjust.

I was trying to figure out the most polite way to express this. How to tell several interested, caring people to back off, but in a way that didn’t seem critical.

Conrad, of course, blurted on through. “How about we leave everyone alone for the rest of the day?” he said. “We’ll go home and hang out. We’ll answer questions, but we won’t demand anything more complicated than ‘would you like more bacon?’ Then, tomorrow, start fresh with the goal of going through the sylph aisle at K-Mart with extreme prejudice.”

“That’s an excellent idea, Conrad!” Julie said.

“We’ll all decompress for the afternoon,” Wade nodded. “Unless anyone has urgent business…?”

“I do have a question,” Mark said shyly. He was studiously NOT looking in Cher’s direction when he asked.

“Do you understand the term ‘consenting adult,’ Mark?” Mom asked.

“Uh, yes!” he said.

“Then that should really answer all your questions.” She looked over my head to Conrad. “I’m sure you don’t want to get involved in any of that?”

“No, ma’am,” Conrad said. I’ve never seen Cher so happy. We heard Delli shout, “Again?” and turned to find her cuddling Set once more.

“Naps,” I said firmly. “I think a lot of people here need naps.”

And off we went.

At home, Delli showed Set and Go to the bedroom in the back of our set. Cher led Mark to the garage, with a stated goal of washing his hair. He promised to give the other two a full spa treatment before dinner.

Mom and Dad went to watch something on TV and discuss the options for cages. No decisions, just things they wanted to think about when we went shopping.

Conrad took me upstairs.

His room was now a computer/sewing room, so we were staying in the guest room.

He lay back on the bed and lowered me to his chest. I stood there, gazing over into his eyes.

“Wow,” I said.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Just when you think you know all the ways your parents can embarrass you, they pull something like this.”

“It’s not embarrassing, asshole!” I said, stomping on his chest. “It’s sweet!”

“I know,” he said. “I was teasing. Have we been introduced?”

“Oh…”

“I do think,” he went on, “that it’s instructive that you immediately take me seriously when I’m being such an asshole, while I am usually convinced you can do nothing wrong.”

“Well,” I started to apologize.

“I mean, except for confusing bison and buffalo.”

“YOU STARTED THAT!” I stomped again.

“And you fell for it, proving my natural superiority.” He stroked my back and shoulders. I found myself leaning into his massage. He knows exactly where to push my buttons.

But I was still a little mad at him, so I didn’t moan. I just quietly lay flat on his sternum.

“You know,” he said as he squeezed my thighs between two fingertips, “this is as alone as we’ve been in months.”

“Under your parents’ roof?” I asked, shocked.

“What?” he sputtered. “I didn’t mean THAT. I was wondering if you had anything you wanted to talk about.”

“Oh.” I thought. He moved to calves. I couldn’t think of anything to discuss. No complaints or existential angst. Before I could say so, though, he spoke again.

“Hey, sorry! I didn’t mean to cause any anxiety!”

“What anxiety? No anxiety. My biggest fear right now is that you won’t finish the backrub!”

“Then why am I feeling… Crap!” he muttered, sliding me off onto a pillow. He got up from the bed and ran from the room.

When I made it to the landing, Conrad was below me, cupping Cher and Delli to his chest on the couch. He was nodding and saying ‘I know’ a lot.

Julie and Wade were out in the kitchen, by the set, making similar supportive noises.

I sat down under the rail and listened.

“I didn’t mean to startle him!” Cher said.

”We know, we know,” Conrad said.

It took a while to gather the story, but what happened was that Cher and Mark had sex. And Mark curled up and went sleepy on one of the big cushions from the conversation pit. And Cher left him to get a drink of water.

And Mark woke up alone.

Evidently, the three new sylphs had been trained, and sold, together as a team and spent several years at their jobs. The closest they ever got to being alone was if they were the only sylph in the kitchen while the other two were performing. Mark woke up disoriented and alone and very, very scared.

He stumbled down to the bedroom, looking for the only two people he’d been able to depend on for most of a decade.

Delli had put them in individual beds, but they didn’t like even being that much apart. They crawled out of the beds to curl up on the floor together.

So when he opened the door, he saw Delli but neither of his partners… He screamed.

Now, while Conrad was calming our sylphs, his parents were calming theirs. Mark was almost hysterical, Set not a lot better. Go explained, “We know you don’t want us sleeping together, and we apologize, but-“

“No, no,” Julie said to her. To all of them. “We don’t care if you sleep together. We won’t make you have sex for our entertainment. But if you want to pile like puppies at night, we’ll just get you a great, big bed. Okay?”

They were petting and soothing as fast as giant hands could go.

Eventually, everyone’s breathing was steady and tears dried. Dark nameless dreads reassured. Pride swelled in my heart, guilt faded from Delli and Cher’s.

“Cake,” Conrad said. His parents looked up. “Cake,” he said louder. “I’m going to take my sylphs, because no one needs to be alone right now, down to Willis’ bakery for a cake. Chocolate cake. And not one for performing, but maybe for drilling down into, or mining.”

He stood and stepped to the bottom of the stairs. I threw myself down the steps two at a time to his waiting hand.

We passed the kitchen on the way to the driveway. The three sylphs were in a pile in a kitchen towel that I think I recognized. It had been in this kitchen for over a decade, and it was soft and smooth from wear.

Julie cupped the towel and Wade’s arm was around her shoulders.

“I’m not sure if that’s a Rockwell portrait or an Addams cartoon,” Conrad said, then we were outside.

Delli started asking questions in the car. “Really, you felt us?”

“Yes, I guess I did.”

“I thought sylph familiars were like Bushido!” she protested.

“Huh?” he asked.

“One aspect of Bushido,” I explained, “is the belief that you only have room in your soul for one weapon.”

“Oh, yeah!” he said. “I remember that!”

“You do?” Cher asked, stunned.

“Yeah,” Conrad explained, turning down Lincoln Ave. “When you find the perfect match, you’re complete as a warrior. Like the final puzzle piece slotting into place.”

“He studied Bushido?” Delli asked me.

I wasn’t quite ready to be that impressed by his philosophical awareness. “Comic book or GI Joe, Conrad?” I shouted up to him.

“There was a time Spider Woman and Wolverine fought the Silver Samurai,” he said.

I relaxed in his pocket as the plot flowed past us. And I smiled. You can take the boy out of Springwater, but you cannot take the boy out of the boy… Conrad was Conrad and that was all I needed him to be…

-----

First thing in the morning, Cher was making an argument for having cake for breakfast. Conrad was backing him up, quoting a Bill Cosby routine. “It’s got eggs, flour, milk… It’s MADE of breakfast.”

Wade said it was outstanding logic. Julie asked what his blood pressure had been that morning. “Well, not for me!” he protested. “And we won’t ever buy cake FOR breakfast, but if we have leftover cake AT breakfast time, I’m sure we could do worse than that.”

She rolled her eyes but agreed. “But one day soon, we’ll have to brief the sylphs on your heart condition so they can help keep an eye on you.”

“Heart?” Conrad asked. “That’s one of the important organs, right?”

“Somewhere in the top fifteen,” Wade said, waving his hand negligently.

I hadn’t heard about any of this. I got up and walked across the table to lean on his wrist. “Has something happened, Wade? Or are you trying to keep something from happening?”

“I’m fine, Electra,” he said. He touched my back with a fingertip. I tilted my head. “I’m fine!” he insisted. “Doctor doesn’t like some of my numbers. So I’m on drugs with five-syllable names.”

“What are you supposed to be having for breakfast?” I asked.

“I have some boring cereal, maybe some toast.”

“I’ll have some of your boring cereal, Wade,” I said. “We’ll share.”

“Me, too!” Go said brightly. Mark and Cher stood up shouting agreement.

Soon it was unanimous, we were all going to have toast and boring cereal.

“Don’t sylphs need sugary food, for more energy?” Wade protested.

“Well, we need our favorite giants to last, too,” I said.

“I’m one of your favorite giants?” he asked.

“Top fifteen, easily,” I said with a dismissive wave of my hand. I just couldn’t keep a straight face like he had. I leaned over his wrist, hugging him tightly.

“Um… Electra! Not in front of the wife!” he hissed.

“The wife is fine,” Julie assured him as she went behind him, headed for the pantry. Delli came over and nuzzled his palm. Go and Set sat on his forearm and gazed up at him.

Mark wondered aloud if he could be Better Heart Loudon. Cher said it had a nice ring to it.

Wade laughed. “It’s not that big a deal!” he insisted. “I’m not at death’s door!”

He picked Mark up to hold him close to his eyes. “How about we name you Albert or Winston or something, and you just have permission to remind me once a day that I should take my medicine?” “TWICE A DAY!” Mom shouted.

“Then what’ll the other two do?” he shouted back.

“Diet,” Go said. “I’ll be in charge of diet.”

“Take me for a walk, Mr. Wade, sir?” Set begged.

“Oh,” Wade moaned. “You guys are going to be the life of me.”

“Okay,” Set and I said together.

After breakfast, we sat in silence for a minute. Someone was going to start asking about names, that was supposed to happen today, but no one wanted to pressure them.

Conrad asked the sylphs what they’d most enjoyed doing the previous day.

At first, I was sure it was an obvious ploy. Memo: Attention sylphs, please list the ways my parents can best satisfy or indulge the new people in their life. But then… Well, the way it turned out, I’ll never be sure if it was planned or not.

Mark started talking about how much he’d enjoyed watching the TV Oldies channel. They’d happened on an episode of M*A*S*H which the sylphs kinda remembered from their childhoods, before sylphing, before being sold to to trainer. They’d cheered for the show and loved some of the advertisements for other shows on the network.

Mark mentioned how he’d wanted to grow up to be MacGuyver. “He had the coolest job.”

“You want to pick that for your name, Mark?” Conrad asked.

“Oh, god, no, no, no,” Mark said in a panic.

Julie reached down with a finger to his back, soothing him at her touch. “No one’s going to ask you to perform feats of miracle engineering, even if your name is MacGuyver, Mark,” she said.

“Well…”

“I like that!” Go shouted. “I want to be Mary Ann!”

“We can do that,” Wade assured her.

“Aw! I wanted to be Mary!” Set complained.

“Mary Ann?” Julie asked, finger still stroking Mark.

“No, Mary Richards!”

“Then be Mary,” Julie said with a nod.

Wade agreed. “We can learn Mary and Mary Ann.” He looked down at where Mark was still anxious, just not as badly. “And maybe ‘Mac?’ That was his nickname. We don’t have to tell anyone the full name, so no one’ll tease you about rewiring the house or landing a plane.”

“I’d… I’d like that, sir,” he said.

“So,” I said. “Wade and Julie Loudon, I’d like you to meet Mac, Mary and Mary Ann Loudon.” God, did Conrad look so SMUG over there at his side of the table. Like it was all his idea.

And frankly, I’m not THAT sure it wasn’t…

“OKAY!” Delli shouted. “Now I know WHO I’m dressing, who wants to get dressed!?”

“We’d better,” Conrad said. “She’s been planning her attack on King’s Mercantile ALL NIGHT.”

“It’s not an attack!” Delli protested.

“Who,” Cher asked, “has been giggling ‘none shall be spared’ in their sleep?”

“Good thing we left her battle flags at home on the ramparts,” Conrad said.

“Okay, Loudons,” Wade said. “Better mount up for the Loudon attack on King’s!”

-----

On the way to King’s, they purchased a carrier. It had a roomy interior with a single overstuffed couch. The sylphs had no interest in privacy, at least not from each other.

The ability to shut the windows and hide from the view of giants, though, was a novelty Mac and Mary Ann never grew tired of.

During the drive to the next store, Wade would slowly and silently ease one of the window covers open then laugh when someone inside squealed and slammed it shut again.

Julie sat in the front seat, next to the Conrad, holding our carrier and pretended to be disgusted by the childish behavior. “Did we rescue three sylphs or am I raising four children?” “He’s an office manager, Julie,” I said. “They don’t get many chances to play.”

“True,” Julie nodded. There was another shriek and slam from the back seat. “True,” she sighed.

At the department store, Delli took the new sylphs in hand. Julie took Delli and Wade’s wallet in her hands.

Conrad left them to it, carrying Cher and I to the toy department for anything that might appeal.

“We probably need a new stencil,” he mused.

“What are we stenciling?” Cher asked.

“He used to draw ‘kills’ on my carrier,” I explained. “For when someone suffered a satori, a stunning moment of enlightenment during one of my interviews.”

“No,” Conrad said slowly. “Just for every time someone came away from Electra’s presence less ignorant than when they’d arrived.”

“I stand corrected,” I said, rolling my eyes towards Cher. He tried hard to keep a straight face.

“I just thought,” Conrad went on, “we could track Delli’s scorched-earth trips through any single store.” He examined some dollhouse furniture, pressing to see if the cushions were soft or just fabric over a hard plastic frame.

“What would the stencil be?” I asked.

“A burning tank?” Cher suggested. We grabbed the hem of the pocket as Conrad dropped to crouch by a lower shelf, looking at some action figures. “What do you need with action figures, Conrad?”

“Stunt doubles for Electra,” was the reply.

“I don’t do any stunts!”

“Because you don’t have a staff to support it,” he said. He lifted a figure of a blonde woman, armed to the teeth with futuristic weapons and high-tech armor. “What if your interviews took place during a paintball fight?”

“That would detract from the sylphs I’m there to meet!” I shouted.

“Plus, Kerri would kick our ass,” Cher said.

“Well, of course, Kerri,” Conrad acknowledged. “The woman knows no fear.”

“But I do!” I said. “I am NOT going to support staining Delli’s creations with paint!”

“Oh.” Conrad dropped the figure and stood. The jacket shifted as he looked side to side, possibly in fear of his thoughts being witnessed.

“Just back away slowly,” I said in soothing tones. “No loud noises, no sudden movements.”

“I do enjoy how he pretends to be afraid of us,” Cher said softly.

“He’s afraid of me,” I said just as quietly. “And if you ever find something you feel that strongly about he’d… No, wait. He DID instantly start to clean your chair when someone had sex in it, right!”

“But that’s not afraid of me!”

“He’s afraid of disappointing people he cares about. He’s afraid of losing your loyalty. He’s afraid you’ll draw a dick on his cheek in the night.”

“He never did take away Delli’s marking pen…” Cher mused.

While we were talking, Conrad wandered through the games, taking interest in a pool table.

“Where would you put it?” I asked.

“The garage.”

“We don’t have a garage!”

“Then maybe a table-top version?” He started searching the aisles. Eventually he lost interest in that idea and went to find his parents at the checkout. He glanced over their purchases.

“Never mind the burning tank,” he muttered. “Scrooge McDuck.”

“It’s not that much,” Wade protested.

“Yes, Dad, it is,” Conrad said. He raised his hands, palm out. “Not saying you can’t buy them a full wardrobe for everything from a wedding reception, state dinner, to pool party. But that is a lot.”

“State dinner!” Delli shouted. “I knew I forgot something!”

Conrad held his hand out. Julie deposited Delli in it. He turned and carried his costumer outside.

Cher and I took the opportunity to sink down in his pocket, out of sight and out of mind, we hoped.

There was a bench on the street, near where he’d parked. He sat there and held his sylph before his face.

“I’m… I didn’t spend more than your Mom said, Conrad,” Delli said.

“I know,” he said. “But maybe you’re trying too hard?”

“I just… I want them to be comfortable no matter where your parents take them,” she explained.

“My parents will never have grandchildren,” he told her. “So today, they indulged you and they indulged their new pets. They were soft touches and you knew it.”

I heard her pound his palm with her fists. “Conrad, I’m trying to help! Everyone told me to help! YOU told me to help!”

“Help, yes,” he said. “But, see, yesterday they were wearing Kleenex,” he said. “Now they have a wardrobe as big as Cher’s. Almost as big as Electra’s. Do you think maybe they’re going to worry about wearing the wrong thing?”

“Oh,” she said. “Like that movie. Where the guy comes from a land with nothing and freaks out in the coffee aisle at all the choices available.”

“Exactly,” he nodded. The shirt moved. I looked out to see tha the was waving his parents over from the store’s entrance.

“I didn’t mean anything bad for… Should we take something back?” Delli asked.

“Is Delli in trouble?” Dad asked as they walked up. “Did we get Delli in trouble?”

“No trouble, but I’m afraid she may be overwhelming people. How about, we pick a few things we know they’ll keep, and then we try to figure out what they MAY need in the future.”

“Like the company Christmas party,” Mom suggested. “They’ll dress up for that!”

“Right, right,” Conrad said. “So we’ll let everyone mull the choices for a day or two, then set up day to day wardrobe, special occasion wardrobes and returns.”

He unlocked the car and held the door for his mother.

Mary Ann leaned out the carrier window. “I, for one, think I’ll look silly in a dress!”

“Oh, sweetheart!” Delli said sadly. “With your legs?”

“I can’t help you there,” Conrad told Mary Ann. He got into the driver’s seat and started to hand Delli over to the carrier. “Keep in mind,” he told her, “you’re the advanced level.”

“Yes, sir,” she said contritely.

I had to laugh at her tone. “Conrad, you said she’s not in trouble, but you didn’t speak to her in THAT tone even when she wrote on you!”

“Wrote?” Dad asked. “What did she write?”

Conrad swore, but let me tell the story.

------

Julie was inspired by the night’s response to the old TV shows. When they got home she curled up on the sofa with the sylphs and some comfort-food cookbooks.

“Nothing fancy, but maybe there’s something you remember? Or miss? Or want to shout, ‘I haven’t had that in forever!’,” she explained.

Mary and Mary Ann watched from her shoulders, looking at the pictures on each page. Mac and Cher sat close together on the armrest, listening to the recipe titles. Delli and I lay across the back of the sofa, watching the girls watch the cookbook.

Wade wandered through the house, collecting marking pens and giggling at Conrad every so often. He put them all in the desk drawer that locked and sat carefully beside his wife.

“You know what we haven’t had in a while?” he asked. “Liver and onions!”

“EUGH!” Mary Ann protested.

“YUCK!” Mary complained.

“No WAY!” Mac voted.

“Three votes for sane menus,” Julie said, turning the page. “How about meat loaf?”

Something about that struck me. I rolled to my feet, staring at Wade. Then I turned to run to the end of the sofa, jumping to the armrest, Wade’s thigh, the carpet…

I ran up to where Conrad lay dozing on the floor. “Conrad?” I whispered into his ear. “Did you dad make a horribly unpopular suggestion just so sylphs would know they could express a negative opinion?”

“Sounds like something I’d do,” he murmured.

“Yeah,” I said, still softly. I looked up to catch Wade looking down at us. He winked. He fucking winked.



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Index