And Thru The Woods Part 2


Somehow or other, the new sylphs became fixated on fried chicken and mashed potatoes. That was the comfort meal they all decided they absolutely needed.

Julie admitted that she had a great recipe for the chicken and as to the potatoes, this WAS Idaho. Even I had known twenty ways to cook potatoes, before I became too short to reach the oven controls.

She whipped up a shopping list and set out for the supermarket.

Wade and Conrad took us to the registry. Of course, there’s not that much of a registry presence in Idaho. The functions are performed as a subset of the DMV.

“Which will be great,” Wade said as he drove us downtown. “Sitting there in line, I’ll have lots of time to brief people on my heart condition.”

“No offense, Dad,” Conrad said, “but maybe we’ll wait on that.”

“Why wait?” he asked.

“Well, I’d rather you tell your story while Mom’s there to keep you honest. Not that you’d lie, not really, but you might…”

“Forget?” I suggested.

“Forget some details that’ll help bring everything into focus.”

“I have no son,” Wade muttered.

“TOP FIFTEEN!” I shouted, throwing my support to Conrad’s plan.

“Top five, right at this moment,” Mary said. Wade smiled down at the carrier.

We were all surprised at the DMV to run into Margo’s daughter, Lorelei. She was a few ‘now serving’ tickets ahead of us.

I recognized her. She’d been a Freshman when Conrad and I were seniors. She looked…. She looked like Hell, really. Pretty, but I was guessing there had been drugs involved in her stripper career.

But she brightened up considerably when she saw Wade.

“Mr. Louden!” She scooted on the bench and made room for him. He sat and introduced the newest secretary at his office to his son and all the sylphs.

“I heard about you guys!” she gushed. “Mom says she owes you all an apology.”

“She brought us bacon,” Mary said.

“We’re cool,” Mac nodded.

“Thanks, but she still… She got into a fight.”

“My money is already on your mom,” Conrad said. “What was the fight about?”

“After you guys left, one of the other waitresses told the hostess, don’t ever sit those sinful people at one of my tables.”

“Oh,” Wade said. “We didn’t mean for her to-“

“It was her choice, sir, she was defending you for giving me a second chance just as much as for giving one to the sylphs.”

“Okay,” Wade nodded. “Thank her for me, then. And… And if she can’t work at the diner anymore, tell her to come see me.”

“I… Sir, she doesn’t really know anything about being a secretary.”

Wade snorted. “Lorelei, neither do you.” He pat her on the shoulder. “Yet.”

Mac stepped over by me to whisper, “Are we causing problems for Mr. Louden?”

“Yeah,” I said, “but if you ask him, he’ll just say ‘yeah, ain’t it great?’ So don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, God,” Delli said. “They’re both like that.”

“Both?” I asked. “I don’t think Mom actually trawls for reactions, but she can hold her own in any arena.”

-----

The next night, we had reservations at the steak house I always associate with the Talent Show. It was a celebration.

Cher and Delli did everyone up to the nines. We were beautiful and dashing.

Delli talked Mary Ann into wearing a wonderful little black dress, on the promise that if she didn’t enjoy herself, she’d never have to wear a dress never ever again.

Mary, on the other hand, found that her skirt flared when she twirled and spent about a month in front of the mirror, practicing.

Mac and Cher were dignifined in matching suits.

Delli put the two of us in matching miniskirts. I was in bright red and she was in a light blue. I wondered how long she’d been working on these things. And who’d spilled the beans.

We all stepped out together to greet the dressed-up giants. They whistled appreciatively and clapped.

Then my owner bent down to look closely at me. I smiled and spun on my toes. “That’s my communicator dress!” he protested.

“Is it?” Delli asked, as innocent as a Vulcan protocol officer.

“If she does the eyebrow thing,” Julie said, “I’ll buy her off of you.”

“If she does the eyebrow thing, I might leave her here,” Conrad joked. I’m pretty sure he was joking.

Delli didn’t do the eyebrow thing. She might not have thought he was joking.

ANYWAY, off we went to the steakhouse.

Wade had made the reservations to include three sylph tables.

Delli and Mary Ann sat by Wade’s place, Cher and Mac by Julie’s and Mary and I by Conrad’s.

In the years since they started taking me there, the place even came up with a sylph menu.

I had an order of chicken parmigiana the size of my forearm, with a side of a perfectly done green pea and a bit of lettuce confetti for a salad. And no one else at the table even had to have chicken for me to have it!

Which was great, since Conrad considers peas a crime against humanity and will never order them.

The new sylphs had the oddest skill sets, too. They could discuss how the restaurant was doing, financially, just from glimpsing the way the salads were prepared, but they didn’t know which was the salad fork.

“We’re never brought out until everything’s been cleared away,” Mary said to me.

“That’s fine,” I assured her. “It’s not like they bought you as a protocol sylph. Just relax. Enjoy the company.” I glanced up at the humans then whispered, “Flash your legs, see if you can get a giant to do a spit-take.”

“We’re in range of a spit take!” she pointed out.

“Chicken,” I said.

“What?” Conrad asked.

“I said I really like this chicken!” I told him.

“Uh huh,” he said. He didn’t sound convince. I bent over my plate and worked the chicken for a bit.

Dinner was soon over and everyone was full. Even sylph tummies were stretched out beyond the possibility of snacking.

The waiter cleared the plates but hadn’t brought the bill when someone wove into view from a neighboring table.

“When’s the show start?” he asked. He was an older man, thinning hair, dressed up like we were. He was vaguely familiar, but that’s kinda true for every adult in Springwater.

Dad’s face froze. He smiled, but it wasn’t in his voice. “Move along, Howard,” he said frostily.

I rarely heard that tone from Wade. Some sylphs on the table had never heard it. Even when Margo was being a little bitchy, he’d had more life in his voice.

“You got what, two men, four women?” this Howard person went on. “Is that three couples or two threesomes?”

“Go away, Howard,” Wade said. “Now.”

“Come on, everyone knows you bought three sex sylphs. Wouldn’t your insurance cover Viagra?”

“Wouldn’t know, Howard,” Wade said, now cheerfully. “You’d have to tell me about that part of the company plan.”

Conrad scooted his chair back from the table ever so slightly. Julie reached over to touch his wrist, shaking her head.

I don’t know if she was saying ‘no fighting’ or ‘this is your father’s fight.’

The insult had gone over Howard’s head, though. He pointed directly at me. “Or is your goddaughter going to fuck them on her show?”

I spun to face Conrad and screamed, “NO!”

“Waiter took my steak knife, anyway,” Conrad said, eyes locked on the intruder.

Howard seemed to suddenly notice him.

“Oh, hey! I guess it’s no longer the fashion to buy hookers for virgin sons, but buy sex sylphs? Or are you tired of the blonde?”

“Holy motherfucking crap,” Cher said into the sudden silence. I looked around. The whole dining room was silent and staring at our table. No one, guest or staff, was coming to intervene.

“Well, that’s enough of that,” Julie said. She took her hand away from Conrad’s. “Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war.”

Howard and Conrad both looked at her. “What?” they said in unison.

“It’s Shakespeare,” I said.

“It means she won’t stop either of us at this point,” Wade said. He stood up. “Howard, let’s step outside.”

Conrad stood up. “No, no, he’s mine.”

Thing is, neither one really surged to their feet. Just got up like someone at the dinner table said ‘someone has to turn the oven off,’ or ‘no, no, I’ll get the dessert.’ They turned to face each other, like the point of protocol was more important than Howard.

“I’m hosting the meal,” Wade said.

“But he’s insulted my Electra,” Conrad said.

“We brought my car.”

“OH!” Conrad said. “So while you fight him, I should go get the snow chains. Got it.” He headed for the door.

“Wait a minute, chains?” Howard asked. “What about chains?”

“Nothing to worry about, Howard,” Wade said, “you’ll be unconscious by then. Outside?” He turned his back and walked towards the front.

Howard stayed near the table. Julie lifted the carrier to her placemat. “Now boarding,” she said. We scurried to the door.

“You running away, too?” Howard sneered.

“No, Howard, we’re going to go out to the parking lot to watch the fight. Or, more likely, to wait and watch you sneak out the back RATHER than fight anyone you’ve insulted tonight.”

Dad was handing money to the maître d’ when we reached the lobby. Conrad sat by the door. Julie sat next to him.

The host apologized and went into the dining room. Once we were alone, I leaned out the window. “Was that a coworker?”

“My boss,” Wade said easily as he sat down. “God, damn, kids, I’m so, so sorry about this.”

“It’s okay, Wade!” Mac assured him.

“It was out of your control, clearly!” Mary Ann said.

“We’re just glad no one got hurt!” Cher added.

“We’ve seen lots, lots worse,” Mary pointed out.

“I’m a kid?” Delli laughed.

“I, well…” Wade shrugged. “You guys are my responsibility, I should protect you from… From…” He searched for the word.

“Fucksticks,” Julie said. Wade and Conrad both stared at her in shock.

“I second the label!” I shouted.

“Move to vote!” Delli shouted. It carried unanimously, with two humans abstaining, still in shock.

We waited while adrenaline boiled off. After a few minutes, the carrier rocked as Julie tensed. We looked out to see an older woman enter the lobby, carrying a big set of keys.

“Moving the car around to the alley, Drew?” Julie asked the woman. I figured this was Mrs. Howard.

“We weren’t going to jump him in the parking lot,” Wade said. “Just going to look him in the eye.”

“That’s mostly what he’s afraid of,” Drew said, marching quickly out the door.

“We’ll give her a few minutes,” Wade said.

“Well, if there’s not going to be a fight,” Delli shouted, “I could sure use some ice cream. If it’s over? For sure?”

“I think her few minutes are up,” Conrad said, opening the door and holding it. “It IS an ice-cream emergency.”

By the time we made it home, burning off the adrenaline had bored holes in everyone’s stomachs. Julie’s stash of French Vanilla came as a welcome cap to the evening.

Wade kept apologizing for Howard’s rudeness, we all kept insisting there was nothing to forgive AND we forgave him anyway.

Wade found an episode of Gilligan’s Island and we zombied out in front of the TV for a while.

I saw Mac whispering something to Cher. They’d been spending their evenings together, though Mac slipped into bed with the Mary’s to actually sleep. Cher didn’t seem to take it personally.

Now it looked like the trio wanted to go straight to the puppy pile tonight.

Cher smiled and gave his friend a loving and supportive hug.

Then he came to sit by Delli and me. The trio made their goodnights and everyone started to troop off to bed.

Conrad kept looking from the box that was serving as the puppy bedroom for right now, over to Cher and back.

“If, uh, if you’re feeling protective,” he said softly. “We can sleep down here, nearby. If you want?”

“You…” Cher cleared his throat. “I’d appreciate that, but you don’t have to stay down here, Conrad.”

Conrad nodded and offered a hand to me, the other to Delli. She shook her head, while I climbed up.

We were in bed in minutes. I lay on Conrad’s chest as he stroked my back. The reaction I’d been ignoring all evening built up into a rage. “God DAMN it!”

“I know,” he murmured.

“Ten years! Ten years on the idea that sylphs are PEOPLE and that ASSHOLE sees us as sex toys!”

“Fuckwit,” Conrad corrected me. “And asshole wouldn’t have made a point of telling us his opinion.”

“I stand goddamned corrected,” I snapped.

“Just trying to help,” he said calmly. He continued to rub my back with fingertips, spreading my flesh like jelly inside the sack of skin.

It was hard to stay mad while he did this. But I managed.

“And in front of your MOTHER!”

“Who can hold her own quite well,” he pointed out.

“But still! What generation is he FROM that thinks it’s okay to say such things in front of a man’s wife? Or a man’s MOTHER!”

“A fuckwit,” he said. “He’s obviously fuckwit years old.” He sighed. “I’m sure part of it was alcohol, and part was jealousy.”

“You think? Why? He’s your dad’s boss!”

“And Dad’s not afraid of him. Drives some people bananas.” He yawned. I think I felt my ears pop. I told him to go to sleep. I’d be awake for a while, fuming, but I was secure in the knowledge I had his support and by then I was talking to a sleeping giant.

I did fume for a while, staring at the dark, wondering if there was anything we could have done better in the last decade. A way to reach out specifically to people who knew people we knew.

So I was the only one on the upper floor who was awake to hear when Delli started screaming.

“ELECTRA THEY’RE GONE!” The cry snapped me out of my funk. I rolled to my feet and ran to the edge of the bed. Conrad snored on behind me. Well, behind me, under me, above me…

ANYWAY, my pajamas are usually a leotard, so I was already dressed to run downstairs.

But quick as I was, it still took time. Time I spent thinking.

There was no question who ‘they’ were. Had the three of them escaped? Where would they go? Why would they want to?

Delli was still screaming for me when I got to the top of the stairs. “Coming!” I shouted back.

Then the familiar jumping and falling of these stairs… Soon I was on the floor, headed for the temporary box. “What happened?”

Cher was crushing the box around the doorframe in his hands. “I just poked my head in to see if they were okay. They were gone. They’re not in the toilet box, they’re not anywhere else in the living room.”

“Okay,” I said. “Okay, we have to find them, see what’s up.”

“Should you get Conrad?” Delli asked.

“Oh, no. No, I’m sure this is a misunderstanding. But if we tell the giants the sylphs ran away, they’ll lose trust. And if we lead the giants to track them down, WE lose trust.” I took a deep breath. “If we can’t talk them into coming back, THEN maybe we’ll turn them in.”

“If the TV Three escape,” Cher said gravely, “and we don’t stop them OR tell the owners, then the humans won’t trust US, either?”

“No,” I said. “I’ll take responsibility. They may not trust me, but they will understand my reasons. Now, come on, the only way out of the house is through the garage.”

I’d never escaped, or truly considered escaping. No where to go, no matter how depressing Conrad got. And once we actually made friends, I never even had the thought.

But I had explored. There was a lose panel of wainscoting near the door to the garage. That led through the wall to a piece of drywall that was only taped in place.

As we pushed through, Delli asked, “How did they find this?”

“Doesn’t matter,” I said. “It’s just the worst possible thing they could have done, so we assume that’s where they went.”

“Kind of a situational triage,” Cher observed.

“Kind of,” I agreed.

We hopped down the steps to the garage floor then started running for the big car door. The rubber gasket at the bottom was loose in a couple of places.

“Hey!” Cher called. We jogged over to where he stood next to a tiny puddle of oil. Three footsteps tracked through the puddle in the general direction of the door.

“Good news, right?” Delli asked. “We know where they’re going? Right?”

“We know for SURE they’re outside,” Cher said. “In a city where the stray dogs and cats fight coyotes and snakes.”

“Ooooooh,” she whimpered.

“Come on,” I said, running again.

We went under the door and stood at the top of the driveway. It spread out in the moonlight, a vast plain of gravel.

This was as far as I’d ever actually gone, the whole time I lived here.

Just to look, just to consider the possibilities.

Then a dog would bark or an owl hoot, I'd wet my pants and run back to Conrad’s bedroom.

Someone in the distance a cat hissed. I couldn’t run back, not this time. As to wetting my pants, I thought I’d just put a pin in that for the moment.

“Okay, which way did they go?” I asked. We looked left and right. Can’t see much of the street from the top of the drive. I was trying to remember what was close.

“Which way’s the school?” Delli asked.

“School?”

She pointed to the spire of a nearby church, just visible above the trees. “If they hide in the church and get caught, they’ll either be returned to the Loudon’s by law-abiding citizens, or burned at teeny little stakes in the parking lot.

“But, if they flash the boobies at a teenaged boy, he’ll be glad to keep them and never tell the law about escaped sex slaves.”

“Good point,” Cher said. “I think we passed the high school up that way, didn’t we?”

“Yeah.” I took off running down the driveway. Running on gravel isn’t really a good choice for sylphs. The boulders will spin at the slightest opportunity. I was tipping over for the fifth time when Cher just picked me up and carried me to the side of the lawn.

“Grass is easier,” he said. “And we’re less visible to birds.”

“Oh. Thanks.” We ran down the grassy verge to the street, dropping down onto the curb.

Delli spotted what might be footprints in the sand the winds had blown there. “Hasn’t rained in a while,” Cher said. “They might be the guys, they might be anything.”

“We’re still working worst case,” I said. “We go on this way.”

A very few cars drove by as we went down the road. There was plenty of warning in each case, to jump up the curb and hide in the grass until they went by.

“What if someone picked them up?” Delli wondered. “Maybe we should be flagging people down?”

“There’s almost no chance that we’ll get picked up by the same people,” Cher said. “And there’s the chance that whoever finds US will keep us.”

“Do you see something?” I asked.

Across the street from the end of the block was a gas station. They were closed but still well-lit. I thought I saw movement near the trash dumpster at the back.

The road was a major artery for Springwater, so that meant there were several minutes in every hour where no cars were visible. We timed it carefully and ran like the wind.

“Thank God this isn’t New York,” I muttered as we crouched beside the concrete divider in the median.

A semi-truck went by, a rig with two trailers. The roar was horrendous. The road shook from the passage and our lungs shook from the sound of the engine. I think we all moved six inches down the divider from the wind.

We sat in silence for a minute afterwards. “Wow,” Cher said.

“I know, right?” Delli asked. “I though the world was over.”

“I thought I was through making deals with God,” Cher said.

“I peed my pants,” I said. I shrugged. “Well, that’s over with, now.”

After the truck went by, little things like pickups the size of aircraft carriers were nothing to worry about. We soon scrambled into the lot and jogged over to the trash.

As we got closer, I heard crying. A sylph crying, not a homeless person. We slowed down and walked up.

The three M’s were sitting along the wall behind the dumpster. They were dressed in the t’s and shorts from the day we’d met, and each had a bundle the size of a pillow case. They leaned on each other’s shoulders and looked like the dictionary entry for disconsolate.

I noticed one of Mary Ann’s shoes was a little bloody. Too much walking or maybe she’d stepped on a sliver of glass? We’d have to look at that.

In a minute.

We were all pretty bushed at that point. Delli and I didn’t say anything, just stepped over people’s legs to sink down against the wall on the far side of them.

Cher slumped down at the entry, blocking anything from entering.

We just stared at the back of the dumpster for a while, catching our breath.

Cher broke the silence. “Why the dumpster?”

“We were going to scavenge food,” Mac said. “Figured there’d be some in the dumpster.”

“But everything in there is GARBAGE!” Mary Ann wailed. We nodded at this observation and sat in silence for a bit longer.

Delli spoke next. “So, where are you guys headed?”

“The airport,” Mary said.

“Springwater has an airport?” Delli asked.

“There’s a private airfield,” I said. “About ten miles out of town.” I pointed in the general direction where this road was headed. “Not really an airport. A couple of hangars and parking for crop dusters and doctors who own their own planes.”

“Ten miles?” Mary Ann asked.

“I thought it’d be closer,” Mac said.

“Why the airport?” Cher asked.

“Oh, get picked up by a traveler, taken somewhere far away, new beginnings, no reputations, no one judging our owner for owning sex slave sluts,” Mac explained.

“Oh,” Cher nodded.

“But we don’t have any commercial flights at our airport,” I said. Then I thought about the ‘our.’ I hadn’t actually been part of this community for a decade, or a citizen of Springwater for about twelve years. Aw, fuck it, still a Springwater girl. Class of 85!

“So…” I said after a long wait. “Wade’s not going to have anyone to play the Privacy Game with...”

“THWACK! Giggle giggle,” Cher said sadly.

“He’ll be better off without us,” Mary said.

I shrugged. “I’m not one to make that judgment. But I know Julie will be asking what she did to drive you away.”

“Nothing!” Mary Ann and Mary insisted. “She’s great! They both are! You ALL are!”

“That,” Mac said, “is why we need to leave.”

“If that’s what we’re doing, then where are we going?” Cher asked. “Does the train stop in Springwater?”

“I think the bus station is downtown.”

“There’s no bus station,” I said. “Greyhound stops at the Woodburne’s Café.” I glanced at Delli’s stare. “I was going to run away from home a couple of times.” Of course, I had a better plan, and a checkoff sheet for packing, and the bus schedule…

“Okay. So that’s about two miles at giant size, 24 miles for us,” Cher said. “We’d better get walking.” He stood up. “Mary Ann, I can carry you for a bit.”

“Wait, you guys aren’t coming!” Mac protested. They stood up and faced Cher.

“Well, I sure as FUCK am not going to go home, not NOW!” Cher said. “Wade’s going to cry. I can NOT stand it if that man cries.”

“He will, too,” Delli said, then lied through her teeth, “I’ve seen it. It’s not pretty.”

“I don’t want him to cry,” Mary said softly. I put a hand on her shoulder.

“Well, what did you think they were going to do? They worried when you guys had a nightmare. They’re going to worry that you’re out here, somewhere. They’re going to be sad you didn’t even say goodbye.”

“They’d have stopped us,” Mac said.

“Yeah, and that would have been horrible, wouldn’t it?” Delli said. “The third best sylph-owners in the world want you to stay and be happy and you want to run out and get eaten by stray cats and kidnapped by teenagers and fed to their snakes.”

“STOP IT!” Mary screamed.

“We can’t go back now, anyway,” Mac said. “We ran away. We broke their trust.”

“Not if we hurry and get back before they know we’re gone!” Delli said. Cher looked at her.

“Do you know what time it is? If NOTHING goes wrong, we’ll still never make it back before breakfast.”

“I dunno,” I said. Just then a car pulled into the parking lot. “You know, ever since we sat down, I’ve been absolutely terrified of the possibility that the Tantive IV needs gas.”

Headlights blinded us as the car approached. Then they were close enough that the wall and the dumpster eclipsed them. The license plate was centered in our view. “TNTV IV.”

The door opened and a shoe landed on the pavement. “Someone can tell me why I’m getting gas at a closed Stinker station?”

-----

“Hurry! Hurry!” I shouted into his ear. He didn’t flinch. But he didn’t speed up.

“We’re going to be fine,” he assured me.

“Okay, okay, but if they ARE up when we get there, I thought up this story.” I described the bare bones, knowing Conrad could add details as necessary to sell the story. He’s quite useful in that way.

“So, you had a nightmare that we needed gas and you got up to go put gas in the car, just to be safe, see, and I decided to go with you, because I had the same nightmare, and so did Delli and Cher. We all had your illogical fear of being gasless in, I dunno, a flood? Tornado?

“Anyway, when WE got up to go, we woke the trio and THEY wanted to come along. Okay?”

“Believable,” he said with a nod. That wasn’t a commitment to the story, though.

I wonder if he was still mad about not being told everything? I’d promised I’d explain everything later, but we needed to get home before the parents woke up.

Still, he wasn’t one to rat out a friend. We were safe. The Trio were safe. We just had to be sneaky for a bit.

He pulled into the driveway, shut down the car and sighed. He glanced at the horizon where the sky was just starting to get ready for sunrise.

Conrad was wearing his robe over his sleeping pants. He pulled out the pocket. “Everyone aboard.” We filed in and cuddled together in the terry cloth room.

He walked up to the door and paused. “Thing is, Electra? I was awake when I had your gas nightmare.”

He stepped inside and paused at the kitchen table.

Mom and Dad were sitting there with coffee cups. A third cup was in Conrad’s usual spot. He’d not only been up, he’d been talking to the folks when he got my message.

Crap, crap, crappity, crap.

“Did you find them?” Mom asked.

He put the edge of the pocket next to the table and we crawled out.

“Oh, thank God,” Dad said.

We stood there for a second, everyone looking at everyone. Mom and Dad looked up to Conrad. “Where did you find them?”

“I remember,” Conrad said, “a long time ago, when I started going to school events where there might have been alcohol, someone made a big speech about how me getting home safe was more important than the story about how I got into trouble.”

“I remember that lecture,” Dad said slowly.

“And if I remember rightly,” Conrad went on, “the promise was one freebie. One get out of jail, no qestions asked, as long as everyone’s safe, happy ending?”

“One,” Mom said. “We’d call it a learning experience.”

“Well, I never took you up on that.”

“You never did,” Dad agreed. He reached over to grab Mom’s hand.

“Electra’s going to cash in on that, though. Today. Everyone’s safe, no questions asked.”

Dad and Mom stared. They shared a look. Then nodded. “Okay,” Dad finally agreed. “One freebie for Electra.” They nodded to me. “No questions. As long as we’ve learned something from this?”

Cher stepped forward, holding Mary Ann. “Um, I’m not really sure of the rules, but if anyone were to ask ‘did someone step on glass last night?’ they might get an answer.”

“Oh, poor dear!” Mom said, reaching out for the victim. Dad was already up and headed for the bathroom and the bandaid kit. They’d had sylph-sized supplies since 84, to my certain knowledge.

I turned around to look up at Conrad. He’d been right. We were going to be fine. And he’d kinda put the blame on me, so the TV Trio’s relationship with the parents hadn’t suffered. Much.

I ran over to his wrist to hug him. “Conrad use his powers for good,” I whispered.

“Can Conrad use his powers for breakfast?” Delli asked. “I’m starving.”

Mom was pretty good at tending tiny wounds. They lay Mary Ann back across Dad’s hands while Mom cleaned out the wound and dressed it.

Conrad was toasting an Eggo waffle while this was going on, and putting butter, apple butter, jam, milk, another kind of jam, syrup, peanut butter and chocolate sauce on the table for anyone who wanted, well, anything.

Food and Mary Ann were both ready about the same time. We started seriously eating.

They watched us for a while, then Wade cleared his throat.

“Um. It occurs to me that you guys might not have the information necessary to fully process what happened last night at dinner.”

“Context,” Mom said.

“Right, right, the context.” He looked us over. We slowed our eating, though no one stopped. “I run the administration offices for the Tupperware plant south of Town,” he said.

“About 80% of my work force are kids with a summer job, or kids working through college. So I like to hire people who have ties to the community, a need for a steady job, and a willingness to learn. And to stay, after school starts up again in the fall.”

“Lorelei,” Conrad guessed.

“A perfect choice. I was the fifty-third place she submitted a resume, and now 53 is her lucky number.

“Howard, the fuckstick,” he said with a nod to his wife, “decided that my only reason for hiring her must be how she looks naked, along with a willingness to be naked.

“And he made a pass at Lorelei.”

“And she’s too desperate to file a sexual harassment charge?” I guessed. Wade nodded.

“But, I went to the company legal officer and asked, since the accusation impugns me, suggesting an adulterous relationship, can I file a grievance that he sexually harassed ME?”

“Can you?” Conrad asked. We all stopped eating.

“I don’t know. The lawyer said he was going to look into it. And reminded me that this was a privileged conversation, covered by client-attorney privilege, so it was secret.

“Which meant that Howard heard all about it inside of ten minutes.”

“That stinks,” Cher shouted.

“No, no, that was my plan. I didn’t actually FILE anything, but Howard got word that I could file something.

“And whether or not the case went to trial, or whether I was successful, There’d be no way that his wife would not hear about it. Floating the idea, that’s just me and the lawyer and Howard.”

“And his sounding board?” Delli asked, looking up at Mom. She smiled and touched Dad’s shoulder.

He leaned back from the table, picking up his coffee cup. “And he’s left Lorelei alone ever since.”

He looked smug, like the story was over. I looked around the table to see if anyone else had figured out the part he wasn’t saying. “I’m still lost,” I said.

“Dad,” Conrad said, “has now been impugned directly, in front of his wife and son, about sexual practices inside the Loudon home. Which means if Dad files a complaint, it’s a straight-up face-out.”

“Face-off,” I shouted. I was following his logic, but sports were still not his thing.

“Right, face-off. There’s no way Lorelei can get caught in the backlash, or asked to testify. So her stripper background doesn't come into play.”

“But his wife might have to testify,” Dad said.

“Can you sue for money?” Mom asked him.

“Not really interested in money,” Dad said. “I’ll have to state a sum for the damages, just to be taken seriously, but that wouldn’t be my goal.”

“Could you get fuckstick fired?” Cher asked.

Dad shrugged. “Maybe just a reorganization, so I don’t report to him nearly as often? Or, like, ever?”

Mom reached out and around the plate, one hand with a finger to Mac’s back, one with fingers against Mary Ann and Mary. “So, did anyone else hear him say that little sylphs are making WADE’S life better? Not worse?”

“What?” Dad asked. “Is that what last night was about?”

“Objection!” Conrad shouted. “Sounds dangerously close to a question, sir.”

“Oh. Yeah, well, sustained,” he grumbled, sitting back in his chair.

“Don’t worry, Dad,” Conrad said, reaching out to pet my back. “I’ll be taking the troublemaker out of your hair soon enough. You guys can get back to normal.”

“That’s true,” I said. “I am the troublemaker.” The other sylphs stared. Dad stared. Mom winked. I don’t think Mom was fooled in the slightest, at any point.

Which, these days, is how the universe is supposed to run, I think.



-----
Index