Advice for
Invading Aliens

In case they didn’t watch
The Late Show
on their way here.





Treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

Chances are your planet can get women without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity.

Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan tunnel system.

Find a nice secluded cave.

Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly.

Do not try to ape human ways to infiltrate. It never works, and you look silly.

It is okay if all humans look alike. Learn the significance if they are dressed alike.

Start the invasion in rock bands. If you are discovered, no one will believe the reports.

Eat the press. It solves many problems before they crop up.

Do not use robots to invade. Their logic systems will be strangely vulnerable to people that cannot program a VCR.

Don't attack the hero alone or in pairs. The Queen hatched a million of you for a reason.

Learn human numbering systems. If you find something with a display counting rapidly DOWN, leave the area immediately.

If a lone human draws your attention, then begins verbal abuse, leave immediately. They have A Clever Plan.

Learn to distinguish Heroes from Sidekicks.

If the hero gives you a chance
to surrender or flee, take it.

Never hold hostages at point blank range. The attack speed of a human Hero is beyond belief.

Do not devour beautiful women. It just gets people mad at you.

Do not devour unattended children or puppies. They get worse.

Conduct all planning sessions in your own planet's tongue. A group of non-humans speaking English, no matter how outrageous the accent, are just asking for intel intercepts.

Inoculate before invasion.

Earth could be speaking Martian right now...

Distribute your power resources to decrease vulnerability. . . and don’t use glass. . .

And Remember:
Superior Technology,
Physiology or Numbers
don’t mean as much as you might think . . .


Another
Toy Tower
Production



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