How Many....?

How Many....?

How Many....?

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Congregationalist: Three - one to change the bulb. The other two make sure the power doesn't go to their head.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholics: None. They always use candles.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans do not believe in change.
Amish: Hey Parson, what's a light bulb?
CALVINISTS: None - God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray that the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.
Reformed Calvinists: It is YOUR FAULT that the bulb burned out, you scum!!
TV EVANGELISTS: Only One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today!
WORSHIP LEADERS who use guitars: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
Members of a Southern Baptist church: TEN - One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much better they liked the old one.
National Baptists: One to raise $4 million for new light bulbs, and 1 million to forgive him for embezzling the money. Not a single light bulb ever got changed.
Christian Scientists: "It is only due to the limitations of your mortal mind that you think the room is dark."
Eagle Forum: "Dear Readers, last week, Madeline Murray O'Hair sued the government to stop the use of light bulbs in public schools. Please send us money to fight for Jesus on this important issue."
Christian Coalition: "The Bible says that Satan can appear as an Angel of Light. You're better off in the dark."
Campus Crusade: "'Burned out bulb' sounds so legalistic. Light bulb changing is not a set of rules to follow, it is a relationship. You don't have to throw your brain out the window to use OUR light bulbs. You may have been to church all your life, but you really don't understand light bulbs until we explain them to you. God commands you to share our light bulbs with everyone you meet, asking merely that we be allowed to control every detail of their life in return. Light bulbs are the free gift that costs you everything."
Catholic Grandmothers: "Don't mind me, I'll just sit here in the dark...."
Jewish Grandmothers: "Don't mind me, We've always just sat here in the dark...."
Catholics: Three. One to change it, one to lead the prayer, and one to call the priest so he can bless the new bulb.

How many Christian Celebrities does it take to change a lightbulb?

Bob Jones University: Just one, but he must be careful not to mix "soft white" and "colored" bulbs in the same fixture.
George W Bush: "My faith based program will make every light bulb WANT to change!"
Judge Roy Moore: "Light bulbs worked better when we were a Christian nation."
Rev. Moon: I WILL TELL YOU when it is time to change the bulb.
Boy Scouts: "Gays and Athiests can sit in the dark for all we care."
Billy Graham: "God accepts the burned out bulb 'Just as it is'".

How many creationists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Young Earthers: 3, one to research scripture for light references, one to search for the appropriate 'kind' of bulb, one to explain to the clerk that any variations in bulbs are micro-adaptation, not a fundamental change in bulb technology.

Old Earther - 2, to search scripture until finding a verse that indicates the Lord God created all light, thus moving from doctrine to evidence, we find that the Lord put the light in the bulb, and the Lord is infallible, thus the darkness is a curse put on us by the Lord, in his might and love. Evolutionists should stop ignoring such evidence, and stop teaching electricity in the schools.

Intelligent Designers: 1, but with the understanding that God informed and inspired the creation and development of all bulbs, and created fillaments. So there.

Kent Hovind - Did you know that electricity doesn't really exist? Ask an Engineer! First, ask him what makes the light glow, and he'll say electricity. Then ask how much electricity goes into a light bulb, he'll say something like, oh, an amp. Then ask how much electricity comes out of the light bulb? However much electricity they think they measure going into a bulb, the SAME AMOUNT comes out the other side! So the bulb was lit with FREE ENERGY!

Jack Chick: God made a perfect world, and there was no darkness in Paradise. Then the Bi* got Man thrown out. Years later, the Catholics burned out your bulb to appease Satan. Here, read a comic book about it.
How many Non-Christian theists does it take to change a light bulb?

Hari Krishna: 35,000. One to change the bulb and 34,999 to ask people in airports around the world to contribute so they can buy a new light bulb for a needy family.
Scientology: "For $5,000, we will send you to an introductory seminar on how to change light bulbs. There you will learn that you have been changing light bulbs the wrong way. Future (pricier) seminars will teach you the right way."
Satanists: Why do you think the bulb burned out in the first place?
Zen Buddhist: "It is the natural state of light bulbs to burn out. Why does this trouble you?"
Hindu: Just wait. The bulb will be reincarnated.
Unitarians: Three. One to change the bulb, and two to discuss the ethical implications of bulb-changing on a multi-cultural society.
Zen Masters: Three. One to screw in the bulb, one to not screw in the bulb, and one to neither screw nor not screw in the bulb.

Pagans:
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those Christians came along.
I think it's three, majickal number you know...
Three or thirteen or nine or five...There's No Wrong Way!
Who is casting? Do we have enough candles to see to put the new bulb in? Maybe we should wait till the full moon..
I don't know if tying ribbons on the bulb and circling it as if it were a May Pole will do, that's another Sabbath...
Lets see, counterclockwise to bannish...clockwise to bring in ... no I don't think we should sprinkle sea water on the new bulb before we put it in...

Gardnerians:
Sorry, that's a Third Degree secret.
(in a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know...initiate?"
Exactly 13, composed solely of male-female couples.
Golden Dawners: One to hold the ladder, one to hold the bulb, three to decipher the Light Bulb Ritual from the Secret Chiefs, one to publish it, and one to sue all the others.

Druids
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.
Thirteen. One to screw in the bulb and twelve to chant in Gaelic.
Thirteen. One to hold the lightbulb and twelve to drink until the room spins.
Family Traditionalists: Go ask your own grandmother!
Solitary Traditionalists: (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)
Frost "School of Wicca": "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."

Discordians:
Five Tons.
2-One to hold a ladder and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored east german machine tools.
Wiccans: Four. One for each direction.
Ceremonial magicians: One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.
Kabbalists: 261.
toads: One, if you can remember which one used to be the electrician.
New-agers: (in a flaky voice) We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our quartz crystals and they glow.
witches: Into what?
shamans: None. They just change shape into a cat or bat, and can see in the dark
Tarot readers:
One. But all she has to do is reverse the bulb's orientation.
None. The bulb is fine, but it is 'covered' by darkness.
None. But if YOU want a reading, you'll have to provide the light.
Don't worry about the darkness, dear. It doesn't mean what you think it does.
Psychic Friends:
One. But it takes three to explain why they didn't know that the bulb was GOING to burn out.
I can't tell you until you give me your credit card number.

Note: The following require a slight change of wording in the question:

How many Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
That's Not Funny!
Are you making light of the Goddess?
Four. One to change the bulb, two to run the creche, and one to check that no men have sneaked in.

How many Aradianic Faerie Witches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least two, but they've got to be really small to fit in that light bulb!
How many christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Pro-Lifers: One married heterosexual couple. They don't believe that anyone else should be screwing.
Conservative Presbyterian: One. If there were two involved, someone might think they were dancing.
Catholic: Two, married to each other, but they can't wear gloves or any other protective devices.

How many tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?
2, as long as the lamp is by the bed...**

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

How Many Scientists Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Mathematicians: None. The answer is intuitively obvious.
Or: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
Mathematical logicians: None. They can't do it, but they can easily prove that it can be done.
Classical geometers: None. You can't do it with a straight edge and a compass.
General relativists: Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
Analysts: Three. One to prove existence, one to prove uniqueness and one to derive a nonconstructive algorithm to do it.
Numerical analysts: 3.9967 (after six iterations).
Number theorists: I don't know the exact number, but I am sure it must be some rather elegant prime.
Quantum physicists: None, once they have observed it is out it has already changed.
Astronomers: None! Astronomers aren't afraid of the dark.

Astrology

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
II

How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?

How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"

How many members of the Office Coffee Club does it take to change a light bulb?

It's just isolated troublemakers. None of the other members mind the dark.
First pay your dues, then we'll let you get your hands on the lightbulbs.
Me. Why not? I have to do everything else around here!
Um, me, I guess, but I can't get to it right now. You'll just have to wait, or change it yourself.
You know, for a room where 15 people use the light from this thing, I seem to be the one that replaces it a lot more than once every 15 time it burns out....
Yeah, I know we usually use 100 watt bulbs, but I thought the 45 watt pink one would be a nice change.

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