humor stuff


Just plain joke stuff i found funny. Or just found.



Ten things terrorist just HATE hearing the hostages say:

    To another hostage:
  1. "No kidding? You were in Special Forces, TOO?"
  2. "Yeah, I read about these guys in TIME, they've been infiltrated for YEARS!"
  3. "Does that look like a sniper scope to you?"

    To the terrorist:
  4. "Oh Yeah? Well, Allah told ME that you'd let me GO!"
  5. "Does your mommy know you're playing with guns?"
  6. "Yeah, I saw where the detonator fell. So?"
  7. "Hey, man, did you ever catch that old TV show, 'SWAT'?"
  8. "You know how many women I know that could kick your butt?"
  9. "I'm sorry, one one carry on allowed. Check the gun OR the bomb at the terminal, please."
  10. "Does that look like a sniper scope to you?"



Many years ago:
An indian chief decides that his tribe needs a car. They collect the money, make the purchase, and he decides to take it for the first drive.
About an hour down the road, one tire goes flat. The chief is not sure what to do, but after dealing with white men in general, and the car salesman in particular, he's pretty sure its going to cost him some bucks. Problem is, he has almost nothing on him.
So, he builds a fire in the sagebrush, and sends a smoke signal: "Car broke. Tire Flat. Send someone with $200 to my location."
The tribe sees the signal, acknowledges it.....and then asks "But Chief, why so much?"
Just then, one of the first nuclear test blasts goes off. A giant column of fire and smoke rises up and briefly outshines the sun.
The tribe immediately sends: "Hey, sorry, Chief, we were just ASKING!"


Signs that 'Political Correctness' has gone so far to the left, it is starting to creep back up on itself from the right:
  1. Company Policy removes all 'gender type' signs from the workplace. You have to check for urinals to see if you're in the right bathroom.
  2. You are told that your "knock-knock" jokes are inherently insulting for the many people in the world that do not have doors.
  3. You are told that your vocabulary is too large, and offensive to less educated persons. When you stick to pointing and grunting, you are offensive to people with communication issues.
  4. Someone spills hot coffee down your back, and your reaction gets you in trouble for being insensitive to persons with Tourettes Syndrome.
  5. Your suggestion to take a thesarus to all docuMENtation, and replacing all words with "men" in them, to show support for the 'womyn' in your office, is impleMENted ....
  6. ...no matter how many times you MENtion that you were joking...
  7. ...even in your acceptance speech for the "Annual Intergender Boundary Reduction Award"
  8. The lunch room doesn't have chow mein for lunch anymore because of China's crimes against humanity.
  9. Attempts to show chow mein was invented in San Francisco are seen as sympathizing the totalitarian regime.
  10. You stop referring to your spouse at work, as it offends:
    • single persons
    • divorced persons
    • persons married, but with issues
    • persons that feel marriage is slavery
    • persons that feel that 'marriage = slavery' belittles the experience of actual slaves
    • persons that support marriage, but are offended that the state restricts certain types of persons from marrying
    • persons that support marriage, within state restrictions, but are offended by the thought of polygamy (or lack of it)





Ten things sailors say that drive the LPO insane:

Ten signs it's time to retire from the Navy:


So, there's this moose, about to roll a joint and smoke it, when a rabbit runs out of the woods and cries, "Don't do drugs, Mr. Moose! Come and frolic thru the forest with me and be happy!" So, the moose thinks, what the hell, and follows the rabbit. They skip a while, and come up to a group of squirrels in a circle around a pile of cocaine.
The rabbit cries: "Don't do drugs, you squirrels! Come and frolic thru the forest with Mr. Moose and me and be happy!" So, the squirrels talk it over for a minute, decide, what the hell, and follow the rabbit. They all skip a while, and come up to a mountain lion melting a crystal of crack.
The rabbit cries: "Don't do drugs, Mr. Mountain Lion! Come and frolic thru the forest with Mr. Moose and the Squirrels and me and be happy!" So, the mountain lion thinks, what the hell, and follows the rabbit. They all skip a while, and come up to a grizzly bear well into a bottle of Jack Daniels.
The rabbit runs up to the grizzly. and cries: "Don't drink hard liquor Mr. Grizzly!"
As soon as he starts speaking, the bear turns to the rabbit, grabs it and throws it across the meadow. Then he runs over and starts jumping up and down on it: The other animals run up and say, "Don't do that! He was just trying to help you!"
"Are you KIDDING?" asks the grizzly bear, "Every time this bunny is high on Ecstasy, he's got me running thru the forest like an idiot..."



A FRIEND had left for the airport with barely enough time to catch her flight. Finding herself held up in traffic she began to pray, "Please, Lord, let there be a parking space near the door." The closer she got to the airport the more desperate she became. "Please, Lord, let there be a parking space as near to the door as possible." Finally, approaching the entrance to the airpoit terminal, still feverishly praying, she noticed with relief that there was room to park right in front of the door. "Oh, never mind Lord" she prayed, "I see a spot anyway."


AND then there was the commuter on the train who was looking everywhere for his ticket - in his pants pocket, his jacket, his wallet. He was searching with great frenzy, much to the amusement of the other passengers, who could see that he had the ticket in his mouth. The conductor snatched the snip of paper, punched it and gave it back. When he moved on, the commuter's companion said, "I bet you feel pretty stupid sitting there looking everywhere for your ticket when it was right in your mouth all the time." "Stupid?" replied the commuter. "I was chewing the date off. "


By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed. . . I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived. "Never better." John said. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time." "How'd you manage that?" "He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."


Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"


WE WERE on a trip to Scotland's Isle of Skye when our bus encountered some sheep resting in the middle of the narrow, twisty road. The driver could not get past them. He tried his horn with no success, then moved slowly forward trying to nudge his way through, but they remained quite undisturbed. He then opened his window, stuck his head out and yelled, "MINT SAUCE!" The sheep immediately all got up and ambled off the road into the heather, to the great merriment of the passengers.


8 simple rules for dating my daughter (Fantasy version)



The Pokemon Verses
Songs made up about my kid's favorite little pocket monsters at the time:

(The big purple thing that eats and sleeps all the time:)
On top of a SNORLAX,
All drowsy and snoring,
There's 18 more verses,
But they're very boring!

the end

Pollywhirl...(black, bug-eyed, and with a hypnotic swirl in the center of his, well entire body.)

Polly Polly Polly Whirl
Makes your toes and fingers curl
'Cause she’s fought a lot of quarrels
And her scars are mostly neural

Polly Polly Polly Whirl
She is such a silly girl
She likes places that are rural
So that she can play with squirrels

Polly Polly Polly Whirl’s
Breath can make your sails unfurl
Sail to Fiji, dive for pearls
Take Dramamine or else you’ll hurl

Polly Polly Polly Whirl
She is such a silly girl
She can knit and she can purl
And a scarf she will unfurl.

Polly Polly Polly Whirl,
Better than a duke or earl,
'Cause when royal flags unfurl,
Her little curtsey is a pearl.

Pollywrath - the 'evolved' form of pollywhirl

Polly Polly Polly Wrath
Never ever takes a Bath
She lives on a smelly Path
And everyone runs by her fast.

The central characters main familiar, the yellow ground squirrel with an electric attack:

Oh, my Pokemon, he has a name,
it's pik-a-pik-a-chu.
And when he grows he will evolve
and he'll be Raichu.

Oh, I love to charge him every day
cause when he zaps
my sister she says -
"Ooooooow!"

heeheeheehee

My favorite is Muk
...about 60 gallons of greasy, mucky, ugly glob. Muk is Cool. Lemme tell ya why:

When you first look at a Muck, my friend
It is often hard to seeeeee
Why it is such a faaaa-vor-ite
Of Po-ke-fans like meeeee!

Cuz it isn’t cute, and it smells real bad
And it seems composed of grime,
And that’s not even all of it,
As he leaves a trail of slime.

But he isn’t ripped
From another strip
Nor a copy
Or clicheeeee

He’s the ultimate
In diversity, and
A friend he'll always
Staaaaaaaaay

It is sometimes hard to have a pal
That’s described best as a “thing”
But i’ll take muk over a-ny-mon
That can fly or hop or sing.










Things you don't want to see on your fitness report:
There was once a typo on one of my early evaluations: under "Military Behavior" it was marked "Not Observed." My chief wasn't entirely sure it was a mistake.....

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