Military Jokes

Here are some jokes that almost make a sub class of ethnic jokes, comparing the different cultures between the services, or even between ranks or ratings.




General Joe Whigham is ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps, and Air Force to discover why the services have trouble communicating with each other. He begins by saying that their first project task is to "secure" a certain building, and asks each of them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the project management plan and bring them to the meeting the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says, "Tell those swabs to:

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:




The CIA needed to fill an opening for an overseas coordinator of covert operations. They wanted someone absolutely ruthless and loyal, willing and able to follow any order.
Finally, they whittled it down to 3 candidates. Each was brought to the Director's office one at a time. When the first one walked in, the Director said: 'John, I think you're one of the best candidates for this job. I just want you to do one thing to prove it to everyone. Take this pistol, go in the room next door, and shoot the person in there.'
John takes the gun, opens the door, shouts 'Are you CRAZY? That's my WIFE!' Tosses the gun to the Director, takes his wife and storms out.
Second agent, same instructions, pauses briefly when he opens the door, steels himself and goes in. Director listens to the silence beyond the door for a minute, then the agent comes back, with his wife, puts the gun on the desk and leaves, shaking his head.
Third agent enters the room, pulls the door shut behind him. Director hears a few shots fired, and gets up from his desk. Then there is a horrendous noise of screaming and thuds. He runs to the door, yanks it open just as the third agent comes back. 'Some idiot put blanks in the gun, but I managed to beater her to death with the chair.'

A destroyer pulled into Borneo for liberty. Cut down to a skeleton watch, most of the ship was empty for the night. A few piers down, a ship was loading local cargo for export. Among the crates was an orangutan, who broke out of his cage. The ape traveled the waterfront in the dark, and finally reached the destroyer. He climbed the mooring lines, boarded, and climbed up the smokestack. Inside the stack, the confused animal made it down to the engine room, and started wandering around. He came to an electrical panel, opened for maintenance, ignored the safety ropes, and managed to make contact with an extremely high voltage contact. Bright blue spark and the ship is suddenly dark throughout.
A few minutes later, two hull techs are searching with their flashlights for the problem. They come on the dark burnt hairy body. They shine the flashlight on his long, long arms. They look at each other. They look at his short stubby legs. They look at each other. They look at his face for a long time.
Finally, the third class tells the seaman: 'Okay, his legs are too short for a machinist mate, his arms are too long for a boiler tech, and he's too hairy for an electrician. Call the wardroom, see if any of the junior officers are missing.'

Two Air Force fighter jets in transit to Reykjavik fly over a P3 Orion on subhunter patrol. They decide to have some fun, and fly down to either side of slower craft. They connect on the radio, and pass the time of day with the Navy pilot.
Then one jet pilot says, 'Hey watch this!' He shoots ahead to supersonic, points the nose up, pops up into the sky and disappears. He comes back into view behind them, screaming out of the sky, flies between the other two planes, pulls up just short of hitting the Atlantic, and eases back up to their altitude. He ends up in formation again.
The other jet pilot says, 'Hey, watch THIS!' Shoots straight down, to just-above-wave-level, tips over upside down, flies almost INTO a wave, turns over, sharp turn, spirals up until he actually circles the other two planes, then pulls into the formation again.
The P3 pilot says, 'That's nothing. Watch closely.' With that, he gets out of his seat, waves, and walks out of the cockpit back into the plane. A few minutes later, he comes forward again, sits down and dons the headphones. 'How was THAT?'
'What the hell did you do?' they ask.
'I put a burrito in the microwave, caught the score on the game, ate the burrito, and woke up my copilot. He's gotta fly this thing for a while.'

Which Service has the Dumbest Officers? *
  1. Well, in the Coast Guard the officers stay nice and dry on land, while the enlisted people head out to sea in all sorts of weather.
  2. In the Army, the officers stand behind the troops and shout, "Attack!"
  3. In the Navy, the officers stand on the bridge and steer the ship into action.
  4. In the Marine Corps, the officers stand in front of the troops and shout, "Attack!"
  5. And in the Air Force? Well, the officers go off to battle in their pretty flight suits, flying their expesnive toys, while the enlisted people head for the club for a long one.


* Or, conversely, the smartest enlisted people.


The Ultimate Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
  1. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
  2. Air Force, O-6 and above: "Get that damned snake off the fairway!"
  3. Chaplain. Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its ways.
  4. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
  5. Marines, Security: Kills snake, but looses bayonet in the fight. Gunny has Marine stand at attention, holding empty bayonet scabbard and snake carcass for four hours.
  6. Marines, ForceRecon: Eats snake.
  7. Marines, Gunny: Knows a few stories about people messing with snakes when they shouldn't. And they all died.
  8. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
  9. Military Police, Field: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of operations.
  10. Navy SeaBees: Build snake elaborate rec room, complete with secret still.
  11. Navy, SEAL: Expends all ammunition and several grenades, then calls for naval gunfire in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites the SEAL, and dies of salt water poisoning. Hollywood makes film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
  12. Navy Officer: Orders Chief to kill snake, and complete all snake paperwork.
  13. Navy Chief: Tells 1st class to kill snake, and clean up this place.
  14. Navy 1st Class: Has 2nd class kill snake, rest of division clean up 'the big stuff' then take off
  15. Navy 2nd Class: 70% chance he kills the snake (80% chance with something other than approved snake-killing equipment), 30% chance he decides it would be Really Neat to put the damned thing in a bilge and call it a Pet.
  16. Navy 3rd Class: Finds snake in the bilge, plays with it RIGHT up until the Executive Officer walks up.
  17. Navy Ensign: Volunteers to take care of the snake for the XO, confuses snake procedure with recipe for decaf coffee.
  18. Navy Corpsman: Treats Ensign for snakebite and Snake for irritability by dispensing a handful of Motrin to both.
  19. Para-Rescue: Lands on snake upon descending, thereby injuring it, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
  20. Pilot, Air Force, B-52: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
  21. Pilot, Air Force, Fighter, Generic: Mis-identifies the snake as a HIND and engages it with missiles. Crew Chief paints snake on airplane.
  22. Special Forces: Trains it to kill other snakes.
  23. War Correspondent. Decides snake is patriotic nationalist agrarian reformer being molested by imperialist U.S. forces, asks snake for directions to nearest bar. If bitten by snake, charges U.S. troops with neglect of duty to protect freedom of the press.



An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a seaman, and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.
'Sailor,' he asked, 'what would you do if someone fell over the rail?'
'Officer or enlisted?' was the instant reply.
'Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the side, what would you do?'
'Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery.'
'Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what would you do if an officer fell over the side?'
The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, 'Which one?'

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II.

When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the Commanding Admiral returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, and even one Commander and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief"


When I was stationed on a Tender, most of the work in our shop was concentrated on service to the submarines that tied up alongside. When the ship went to sea (or to river) my division was assigned a particular roving security/safety watch called Post 4. We were all submariners, so we stood the watch by submarine standards, or 6 hours each.

Rambling thru the ship one night, bored out of my skull from shining my flashlight into fan rooms and making sure the smokestack watch hadn't caught himself on fire, I was composing a sort of misison statement for the watch. As i ducked my head into a fan room, a voice behind me asked, 'Do you know what you're doing?' I started turning, rattling off:

Roaming all decks and levels forward of Frame 63, checking all rooms, voids, bilges and spaces for any sign or indication of fear, fire, famine, flooding, fornication or the plague...sir.

Turned out it was the captain.....who made me repeat it....three times....finally had me write it all down for him, and i watched him trundle down the passage, reading it to himself.....



My only drug story...in uniform

 Because i was SOOOOO clean and pure as a teen, I only really have one drug story. I learned it when a bunch of missile techs took the Master At Arms course. We were there for the nightstick training, but had fun with the drug curricula and other parts.

Seems a MAA was teaching Drug Recognition to some officers. He had a cigar box with three joints in it. They passed it around, with the instructions to crack it, sniff, and then open it to see what that smell was. This was so that as the officers toured their spaces, they might recognize the smell.

Anyway, it passes around once, and when it gets back to the instructor, it only had two joints in it.

'Ha ha. Very funny. Now, I'm going to pass it around again, and this time I want everything back.' Around it goes, comes back, now it has just one joint inside.

'This isn't funny. Everyone put your head down on the desk, when the box is passed to you, open it, put it back if you have it, close it, and pass it on. Keep your head on the desk so no one will see who has it.' Comes back with two joints.

'Dammit. Everyone into the hall.'. MAA goes down the hall, comes back with a German Shepherd and his partner. 'This is a drug dog. We're gonna do this one more time, then if the dog finds a joint on you, you're going to be arrested.' One at a time they went into the class, opened the box, closed it, came out again. MAA went into the classroom....and found five joints in the box.....

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He got a bit closer and shouted, 'Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him in about an hour but I don't know where I am!'

Man below replied "You are in a hot air balloon drifting about 30 feet off the ground, in a west-northwest direction, about 40 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

After a moment of silence, the balloonist replide 'You must be an enlisted man at the base.'

"I am," came the answer, "How did you know?"

"Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but i have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help."

"You must be an Officer." came back quickly.

"How did you know?"

"Well, you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are largely due to hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."



U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend the stationary bike as a valid test of fitness.

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work (unless someone is watching me and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.

______________________________
Signature, Date



U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart.I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."

I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

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Signature, Date



U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

_________________________
Signature, Date



U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment

I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight...cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH! So help me Corps.

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