Patrols


The USS Rhode Island

Oh 08 October, 2000, on my last deterrent patrol, someone was passing around a list of reasons that woking at McDonalds was better than making patrols (The only one I remember was "If the deep fat fryer catches on fire, you LEAVE.") Half an hour later, I came up with the following list:
Reasons that Patrols on the Rhode Island are better than cruises on Star Trek's USS Enterprise.
  1. The Enterprise lost an average of one crewman a week.
  2. On average, two personnel die during every security violation on the Enterprise.
  3. When our computers work improperly, they stop. They do not become a threat to all life on board.
  4. In 18 patrols, the Rhode Island has never been eaten by anything classified as biologics on the sensors.
  5. Kirk's XO is smarter than a laptop. Imagine his qualification interviews.
  6. Picard's third in command IS a laptop. See #5.
  7. On the Rhode Island the quartermaster's navigation errors do not lead to time travel.
  8. Food Replicators, Food Processors, Food Packs; on the Enterprise, meals are the responsibility of Engineering.
  9. Stealthy as they may be, Russian vessels never actually turn invisible.
  10. On the Rhode Island liberty ports can be enjoyed without worrying about the Prime Directive.
  11. Life forms detected by the Rhode Island sensors are distractions, never a threat to all life on board.
  12. Or probes (SSXBT's) do not come back. They especially do not come back reprogrammed by alien machine civilizations to become a threat to all life on Earth.
  13. On the Rhode Island, Alien means a movie to see after watch, not something that has a good chance of sucking our brains out with a straw.
  14. On the Enterprise, if the department head can't do it, it can't be done.
  15. On the Enterprise, some of the department heads are telepathic. See #5.
  16. Shuttlecraft, Transporters, Runabouts: on the Rhode Island, no one has ever been killed for leaving the ship during an ion storm.
  17. Nothing in the Access Hatch will scramble your molecules.
  18. On the Rhode Island, they do not let engineering play with anti-matter.
  19. On the Rhode Island, insane crewmen do not pilot the ship beyond the explored boundaries of human knowledge (They have, however, been known to lock themselves in the Officer's head).
  20. Every single officer in Starfleet is an Academy Graduate.
  21. None of the recreation facilities on the Rhode Island can become smart enough to become a threat to all life onboard.
  22. In the Navy, your ID card is sufficient to verify your identity. No one has to use quantum physics to check your identity.
  23. The Rhode Island seldom draws the attention of omniscient and omnipotent beings with time on their hands.
  24. The Enterprise's deployment cycle is 5 years.
  25. On the Rhode Island, nohting spilled in the storeroom has ever compromised reactor containment, threatening all life onboard.
  26. On the Rhode Island, problems with identity usually come from typographical errors on the access lists. Not even the TRE Team is actually in the wrong universe.
  27. On the Enterprise, the helm is smarter than the helmsmen, while on the Rhode Island...Um, wait...oh, never mind.
  28. Our CO has never, ever, contacted, confronted, contradicted and then pissed off an actual GOD (of past or present worship) creating a threat to all life onboard.


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