The USS Rhode Island
Oh 08 October, 2000, on my last deterrent patrol, someone was passing
around a list of reasons that woking at McDonalds was better than making
patrols (The only one I remember was "If the deep fat fryer catches on fire,
you LEAVE.") Half an hour later, I came up with the following list:
Reasons that Patrols on the Rhode Island are better than cruises
on Star Trek's USS Enterprise.
- The Enterprise lost an average of one crewman a week.
- On average, two personnel die during every security violation on the Enterprise.
- When our computers work improperly, they stop. They do not become a threat to all life on board.
- In 18 patrols, the Rhode Island has never been eaten by anything classified as biologics on the sensors.
- Kirk's XO is smarter than a laptop. Imagine his qualification interviews.
- Picard's third in command IS a laptop. See #5.
- On the Rhode Island the quartermaster's navigation errors do not lead to time travel.
- Food Replicators, Food Processors, Food Packs; on the Enterprise, meals are the responsibility of Engineering.
- Stealthy as they may be, Russian vessels never actually turn invisible.
- On the Rhode Island liberty ports can be enjoyed without worrying about the Prime Directive.
- Life forms detected by the Rhode Island sensors are distractions, never a threat to all life on board.
- Or probes (SSXBT's) do not come back. They especially do not come back reprogrammed by alien machine civilizations to become a threat to all life on Earth.
- On the Rhode Island, Alien means a movie to see after watch, not something that has a good chance of sucking our brains out with a straw.
- On the Enterprise, if the department head can't do it, it can't be done.
- On the Enterprise, some of the department heads are telepathic. See #5.
- Shuttlecraft, Transporters, Runabouts: on the Rhode Island, no one has ever been killed for leaving the ship during an ion storm.
- Nothing in the Access Hatch will scramble your molecules.
- On the Rhode Island, they do not let engineering play with anti-matter.
- On the Rhode Island, insane crewmen do not pilot the ship beyond the explored boundaries of human knowledge (They have, however, been known to lock themselves in the Officer's head).
- Every single officer in Starfleet is an Academy Graduate.
- None of the recreation facilities on the Rhode Island can become smart enough to become a threat to all life onboard.
- In the Navy, your ID card is sufficient to verify your identity. No one has to use quantum physics to check your identity.
- The Rhode Island seldom draws the attention of omniscient and omnipotent beings with time on their hands.
- The Enterprise's deployment cycle is 5 years.
- On the Rhode Island, nohting spilled in the storeroom has ever compromised reactor containment, threatening all life onboard.
- On the Rhode Island, problems with identity usually come from typographical errors on the access lists. Not even the TRE Team is actually in the wrong universe.
- On the Enterprise, the helm is smarter than the helmsmen, while on the Rhode Island...Um, wait...oh, never mind.
- Our CO has never, ever, contacted, confronted, contradicted and then pissed off an actual GOD (of past or present worship) creating a threat to all life onboard.
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