The Enemy

  You must understand that the actual opponent in a Mage Knight battle does not wear armor, fight from horseback, swing a weapon, or actually bleed. The battle can actually be won even if your army is worse, your dice hate you, and your battle plan incomplete. A few simple behavioral efforts will bring you into contact with the true enemy, usually while he is still trying to fight on the field below....

     NOTE: That the use of a given gender is not meant to exclude, promote, suppress, enflame, subjugate, empower, ostracize, offend, kiss-up to, reflect personal experience or otherwise indicate internal prejudice on the part of the author. Nor are any gender specific terms meant to characterize a particular outlook, belittle, pass moral judgement on anyone, or get me in trouble with my wife. It's just I'm an old man, and my speech patterns are kinda hard-wired. When I say 'he' I certainly mean to allow 'she' in most cases. I do not exactly believe all PERSONS are created equal, but I am willing to die for the concept that everyONE deserves equal opportunities.

NOTE: Also that for some reason the various units of software used to create, upload and provide this web page to you do not like each other. Sometimes the quote characters seem to arbitrarily change to question marks., so "huh?" becomes ?huh??...aggravating, but i fix every one i can find....

NOTENOTE: New ones added at the bottom. Sorry for any inconvenience. Well, no i'm not, that's just how i want to do it, sorry. Well, no...

How to drive a Wargamer Crazy, Mage Knight Edition:


Or having problems with other people...
  1. Address anyone you aren?t fighting at the moment as ?Worm".
  2. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
  3. After setting up the terrain, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
  4. Announce that you will play, but only under protest until obscure political/economic issues are resolved, such as the President authoring legislation to fund research for all-weather adaptation of biometric face scanning technology for Alaskan oil pipeline pumping station maintenance crew equipment access security. Make sure everyone is clear on your stance.
  5. Announce you are springing your 'trap.' Do this on his turn.
  6. Around Christmas time, belch the tune to jingle bells. Have a friend with you who can sing the words to it.
  7. Bet the other players you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  8. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other players.
  9. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the game. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
  10. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
  11. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Challenge the warlord to find the section on musical instruments during games. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
  12. Bring a pillow.
  13. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
  14. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
  15. Bring personal cheerleaders, to stand beside the table.
  16. Bring pets.
  17. Claim that your 11001000-point army is tournament legal, because you know Binary.
  18. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
  19. Come into the game wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
  20. Comment on how sexy the warlord is looking that day.
  21. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other players that this is your "personal space."
  22. Every so often, tell him how this reminds you of a scene from a James Bond movie. Describe it in detail.
  23. Every time someone tells you something, ask 'Do you want fries with that?'
  24. Every time your opponent starts to move his figures, announce loudly 'It's your turn!'
  25. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
  26. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the game.
  27. Give religious tracts to each player. (Be prepared for long arguments.)
  28. Have one of your cheerleaders sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as enter.
  29. Insist that all of your figures are from the same faction, no matter what their design states. 'He was stolen at birth from the Atlantis Guild by Necropolis Sect gypsies and raised by a former Elemental League Cavalry Officer who befriended a band of .....'
  30. Insist that your opponent recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you.
  31. Just before starting, invite everyone out into the parking lot for a ritual sacrifice. (Note: Be prepared for several people to take you up on this offer, depending on the store.)
  32. Keep shouting, "Do Over!" after any loss.
  33. Leave the plastic strings on new shoes and walk around the store taking 3 inch steps.
  34. Make paper airplanes out of the rules. Aim them at the opponent?s left nostril.
  35. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
  36. Meow occassionally.
  37. Never speak to your opponent directly. Make all communication as if talking to the army, yours or his. If you need to ask or tell him/her something directly, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
  38. Only roll one die at a time.
  39. Pass out dental floss.
  40. Perform a play by play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice. Do color in Pee Wee Herman's.
  41. Play battle music. "Battle of New Orleans" is my personal favorite. Put it on repeat.
  42. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
  43. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly, like the logistics notes.
  44. Rent advertising space on your banners and shields.
  45. Replace his figures with Goblin Volunteers or Candyland kids when he is not looking.
  46. Reply to EVERYTHING with "That's what YOU think."
  47. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  48. Shave.
  49. Show other players a wound and ask if it looks infected. For extra credit, use a plastic Halloween July.
  50. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the game, you should start crying for mommy).
  51. Sit and stare at the game, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person across from you.
  52. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
  53. Start a brawl in the middle of the game.
  54. Start a sing-along.
  55. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain 'that's what Custer would do'.
  56. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another player: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
  57. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
  58. Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.
  59. Two words: "DICE FIGHT!!!"
  60. Two Words: Fuzzy Dice.
  61. Two Words: Turrette?s Syndrome
  62. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.
  63. Use action tokens 3x as big as your figures.
  64. Use food as terrain pieces. Take bites when no one is looking.
  65. Use the phrase "from Hell" as often as possible. 'wow, that's the die roll from Hell. This, this is the strategy from Hell. Dude, that's like the Noble Archer from Hell, man.'
  66. Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries: Play (or hum) it every time your turn starts. Insist on finishing it every time.
  67. Wear a feather boa and ask everyone to call you "Snuggles".
  68. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
  69. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
  70. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
  71. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
  72. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Occasionally shout 'C'mon, Everybody!'
  73. Write a battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.


Or BEING a problem for other people...
  1. Announce "you'll need this", and hand opponents cards with the suicide prevention hotline number.
  2. Arbitrarily shout 'Halftime!' Demand to change table sides, and clear the field. Arrange amazons and nightblades as cheerleaders.
  3. Arrange a protest before the game starts (i.e. Threaten the warlord that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
  4. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
  5. Bring an animal carrier for your 'familiar.' After a while, discover it is empty. Ask everyone if they've had their shots.
  6. Bring chopsticks. Use them to position your figures. If anyone touches your figures, shake your head and say 'You'll regret that.'
  7. Bring things to throw at the warlord when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
  8. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Opponent beans." Eat them, smiling at your opponent.
  9. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" while waiting for a match.
  10. Lean over to another player and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
  11. One word: Wrestlemania.
  12. Refer frequently to people who died while playing this game.
  13. Walk in with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.


Or having a problem with which game we're playing...
  1. Draw up AD&D-type character sheets for your army. Point out that if you kill one more goblin, your Magus goes up a level.
  2. Every time one of your miniatures has unrestricted LOS to his commander, say 'check'.
  3. If a figure with Flight jumps over another figure, take the piece you just 'captured.' If you make it to the far side of the table, demand that your figure be 'kinged.'
  4. Put NASCAR-style stickers on the chariots.
  5. Put Pokemon figures on MK bases, call it Extreeeeeeeeeeme Repaint. When you move them, say "Magus, I Choose You!"
  6. Remember, for all mounted figures: Up two inches, and over one, or up one and over two.
  7. When he uses a special ability, insist that you get a savings roll.
  8. When you completely command a piece of terrain, claim that you want to build some houses here.


Or 'My reality is better than Yours.'
  1. Always have a Grave Robber, on the sidelines if necessary. Give IGOR instructions and lisp his replies.
  2. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
  3. Ask everyone to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
  4. Ask if the shoulder pads make your Mending Priestess look butch.
  5. At the start of every match, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about a minute. Then, one match, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
  6. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's your army and look really attentive.
  7. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. (Be prepared for people to join with you.)
  8. Call all your figures only by their first name.
  9. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  10. Check your shield maiden's makeup before the battle, and after every scuffle. Retouch with real makeup as needed.
  11. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
  12. Complain that one of his figures is 'watching' you. If he actually turns it away from you, claim that it's sneaking peeks.
  13. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
  14. Conduct long internal dialogues (talk to yourself). Digress. Spend a lot of time listening.
  15. Crack open your dice bag or figure box, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
  16. Deliver your commands through a hand puppet. If someone asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Master can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
  17. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.
  18. Eat McDonald's packets of ketchup, and tell other people that they are astronaut food.
  19. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If your opponent asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
  20. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
  21. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
  22. In a rules dispute, check several copies of the rules, just to make sure they don't change in each book.
  23. Keep asking if his female figures are virgins. If he gives an answer, ask how he knows. When this stops bothering him, ask about his orcs....
  24. Keep asking your opponent if he/she is a virgin. After any answer, ask how they know......
  25. Leave one figure behind at the starting area. Every so often, demand silence. "I think he's gonna start, now." Wait patiently for a moment, then continue the game.
  26. Make ALL measurements with a yardstick. Convert to metric, and back, each time. Check your work.
  27. Name your dice. Get upset when people confuse them. "No, THAT one is Roknar Ace of Vengance, THIS one is Fluffy."
  28. Offer name tags to everyone entering the store. Wear yours upside- down. If someone points this out, wink at them like a conspirator.
  29. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
  30. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty. Explain it to your opponent, and to your army.
  31. Place a large Bible on the table, and try to 'save' your opponent. Get really agitated at any Necropolis figures, or other demonic influences.
  32. Put up traffic signs around the terrain. If your opponent doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate your opponent's dice until he/she pays the tickets. Pretend the Warlord will back you up.
  33. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of one of the following on your side of the table, loudly proclaim that it inspires you: (a) a pop star from 10-15 years ago (b) any cereal box character (roughly rip the cover apart and frame it) (c) the British Royal Family (d) just use the picture that came with the frame. This is especially useful if the price tag is attached.
  34. Sob uncontrollably when removing dead uniques. Except for the one you secretly hate. Cheer when the enemy finally kills the "viper in my midst."
  35. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your opponent it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili. Alternately, tell him you're not sure which god....
  36. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
  37. Start each game with a national anthem. Your army's, not yours.
  38. Try to bribe his units over to your side.
  39. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
  40. When ever performing a Heal or Magic Heal action, Listen to the figure with a stethoscope
  41. When the store is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
  42. When you destroy one of the enemy uniques, pull out an eyedropper, and drip Gatorade on your most powerful figure.
  43. When you return from a restroom break, complain that everything has been moved. Move them back.
  44. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
  45. When your opponent reveals his army, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

New, Dec 01:

  1. Wear headphones and plug them into your belt. Every so often, say "time to change the station" and move the plug to a pocket, buttonhole, behind your watch, your nostril, etc.
  2. Wear a Secret Service-like earpiece and constantly watch the crowd. Whisper into your dice bag. Stand suddenly, say "Sir, we had better get you out of here." grab your Magus, and run.
  3. Set up mosquito netting around the table.
  4. Drop a marble and say, "Oh !! My glass eye!!"
  5. At a local hotel lobby, gather handfuls of pamphlets and brochures. Cram them around your gaming supplies, and litter the area every time you go into your bag.
  6. Leave your zipper open for an hour. If anyone points it out, say "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
  7. OR, Leave your zipper open for an hour. If anyone points it out, say "Sorry, THEY really prefer it this way."
  8. Babble incoherently at a fellow gamer then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
  9. While waiting for a turn to game, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. When they glare at you, be sure to look them right in the eyes.
  10. Every time an Atlantean Golem dies, act out the "2001: A Space Odessy" scene where HAL sings 'Daisy' slower and slower... If a Flesh Golem dies, sing "You are so beautiful to me." (It was the theme to 'Struck by Lightning', a SHORT lived sitcom about the Frankenstein Monster, about 1979.)
  11. Twitch a lot.
  12. Quote someone. A lot. Get it wrong. Refuse to be corrected.
  13. Walk and talk backwards.
  14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
  15. Fake a heart attack. When your opponent gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
  16. Smile. All the time.
  17. Leave a declaration of war on your warlord's counter. Include a list of grievances.
  18. Shoot rubber bands at your opponent while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
  19. Whenever he/she is about to move, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
  20. Speak into a walkie-talkie in trucker's terms.
  21. Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room.
  22. Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers.
  23. Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince you opponent and everybody else that if they do not wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray arrows.

    New for MID DECEMBER '01!

  24. "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
  25. "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
  26. "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
  27. "By the power of Greyskull..."
  28. "Everybody rhumba!!"
  29. "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"
  30. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
  31. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..."
  32. "Marvin Martian" accent. 'Where?s the Kaboom? There's supposed to be a dragon-shattering kaboom!'
  33. "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
  34. "OK, everybody - heads down on the tables until you show me you can behave."
  35. "There will be a short quiz after my attack..."
  36. After a loss: "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
  37. After a win: "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
  38. After rolling a 'kill' against an enemy: "Tag - you're it!"
  39. Answer every question with a question.
  40. Black tie only.
  41. Bring a thermos of kool-aid and lots of dixie cups. Charge 25 cents a cup.
  42. Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary.
  43. Bring your pet boa.
  44. Call your opponent "sweetie".
  45. Claim political asylum.
  46. Do a "show and tell".
  47. Door prizes and a raffle.
  48. Dress in top hat and tails.
  49. Fashion show.
  50. Firewalk. (or, crumple lots of paper and throw down charcoal. WHEN they ask, announce a firewalk.)
  51. Flex and show off those massive pecs.
  52. Go into labor (especially for men).
  53. Group prayer. Pick a god(dess) by rolling dice and consulting a chart.
  54. Hand out 3-D glasses.
  55. Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
  56. Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not killing my orcs."
  57. Have a seance.
  58. Have a sing-a-long.
  59. Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
  60. Imitate Groucho Marx.
  61. Instant replay.
  62. Invite the homeless.
  63. Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always knew he was such an aggressive child")
  64. Lead the specators in a Wave.
  65. Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
  66. Live radio and TV coverage.
  67. Look for trapdoors and hidden escape routes.
  68. Mime.
  69. Mosh pit.
  70. Offer a toast.
  71. Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
  72. Pass the collection basket.
  73. Play mageknight drinking games. Drink for each kill. Drink for each resurrection. Chug for each fumble. This goes for the audience as well.
  74. Print out this list, leave copies lying around.
  75. Puppet show.
  76. Release a flock of doves.
  77. Sell those big foam "We're number #1" hands.
  78. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of the army, terrain, dice, etc.
  79. Shadow puppets.
  80. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
  81. Spontaneously combust.
  82. Stage your own death/suicide.
  83. Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
  84. Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
  85. Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
  86. Tell Mageknight ghost stories. ('These two kids were playing MK in a cabin, miles from town...')
  87. Try to sell Tupperware to enemy amazons.
  88. Two words: Strip Mageknight.
  89. Two-drink minimum.
  90. Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
  91. Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".
  92. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.
  93. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And a formal business suit.
  94. Whine piteously, beg, cry...
  95. Snap your gum
  96. Announce when you're going to the bathroom. Use the grade school number system (I have to number two!)
  97. Chew other people's pencils
  98. Wear lipstick stains in odd places. (ODD! Not Suggestive!)
  99. Tell people they have bad breath.
  100. Tell people who here has the WORST breath.
  101. Shake with your left hand
  102. Quote commercials.
  103. Rewrite the rules book. Demand everyone uses your copy.
  104. For terrain, use a board game. Life or Candyland are especially appropriate. Become cross when his army moves. ("you have to roll (spin,draw), first.")
  105. Remove the label from a can of soup. Relabel it "Whup-ass." Leave it by your dice, "just in case."

Return to the Big Index

Role Playing game index.