What are the ten best things about being atheist?

• sleep in on Sunday
• No fear of dying
• No one else tells you how to believe
• No collection plate anyplace you hang out
• If you see a contradiction in your favorite book, you are allowed to point it out
• Your dietary restrictions are between you and your doctor, not a document 2000 years old
• If you hit your thumb with a hammer, you can say whatever the s*** you feel like saying
• When people say the constitution is based on the 10 commandments, you can point out which commandments are unconstitutional
• blasphemy is a victimless crime
• the sabbath is just something that happens to other people....

What are the 10 worst things about being an atheist?

• Your Dad thinks you're a Satanist.
• Your Mom keeps inviting you to church functions to 'meet someone.'
• You have to keep explaining that no Xian 'did some evil thing' to drive you away from God
• Your aunt doesn't believe you can be just as happy without God as she is with
• You don't get the name/rank/serial number references to scripture
• You feel guilty about bowing your head for group prayers
• You feel rude about not bowing your head for group prayers
• Every time you hit your head and say 'goddammit' your uncle says he thought you were atheist
• You laugh at christian jokes...just not at the right parts...
• It's so embarrassing that every time you explain your beliefs, the stigmata acts up.....

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So, this dairy farmer attends a lecture on astrophysics at the local museum. The lecturer started with a discussion of the Big Bang. The farmer thought about it, and about inseminating cows, and about the size of sperm, and decided that the idea of a big bull coming from a little bit of nothing wasn't too different.
Then the lecturer covered the dispersal of matter, and the way the physical laws developed, and clouds of matter gathered to form galaxies, and the galaxy clouds coalesced into stars and their systems, and the solar cloud formed into the planets. The farmer thought about this, and figured just like egg and sperm, a little bit of nothing can contain everything it needs to become something huge and complicated.
The lecture was finishing with the theory that the matter in the universe would cause it to collapse back into the monobloc until a future cycle. Here it was interrupted by the laughs and guffaws of the farmer. When he could finally control himself, the lecturer asked what was so funny.
The farmer answered, "I've been working my farm for 60 years, man and boy. I reckon I've seen God's hand in the big and the small. Now, I've helped bring plenty of cattle into the world. I can buy the big bang being like a fertilized egg coming out as a calf. I can see the universe developing like a growing calf becoming a bull." Then he pointed to the slide showing a collapsing universe, "But I never seen one of them cows going back where it came from...."

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