Blackadder of Starfleet
Blackadder: Bureau of Starfleet Personnel
(As names fade in and out across the bottom of the screen, a starship with the classic design of most Starfleet vessels appears in the distance and approaches swiftly. At closest point of approach, it turns back to the stars, and a small object falls from it. It screams down through the atmosphere. The camera turns and sees Commander Blackadder narrowly escape the crash of the cargo pod to the surface. He shakes a fist at the sky, then kicks the pod. It falls open to reveal an object. Each episode has a different object, which is at least slightly relevant to the plot.)
(Pod Contents: A poorly hand lettered sign that says: DoN"T Ferget the PROP)
(Blackadder's office. Blackadder and Baldrick working on computers at their respective desks.)
BLACKADDER: What is it now, Baldrick?
BALDRICK: (points to a message window on his screen) My brother is coming to visit!
BLACKADDER: You don't have a brother, Baldrick. You don't have any family. It's hard enough to imagine that you had parents.
BALDRICK: It's my long lost brother, sir. (Leans to the screen to read) He says he has searched much and long to find me, and expects to be here within the just a day or two.
BLACKADDER: Well, he certainly writes like a Baldrick… How does he know you're related?
BALDRICK: It doesn't say, sir. Just that he has proof, and he'll be here to show it to me.
BLACKADDER: How long has he been lost?
BALDRICK: Well, mom left about 5 years after I was born, and I didn't have a brother then, so he must have come some time after that.
BLACKADDER: And at the risk of finding out way too much about your personal history, Baldrick, when did your father leave?
BALDRICK: About two years before I was born, sir. (Blackadder just stares at Baldrick after this revelation for a while. Then he turns back to his work)
BLACKADDER: Well, good luck with the reunion, Chief.
BALDRICK: Thank you, sir. I can't wait to introduce you to my brother, sir. He's coming to meet me here at the office.
BLACKADDER: Excellent, then after you introduce me, I can return the favor and introduce you.
BALDRICK: Yes, sir, that'd be great. (Blackadder shakes his head as the irony is lost on his assistant)
(Scene fades, then returns, same office, slightly different details. A caption reads 'within a just the day or two later, or nearly')
BLACKADDER: Baldrick, have you seen that report on-
(Door opens, and a Packled enters, carrying a stained cloth satchel. He looks slowly from Blackadder to Baldrick)
BALDRICK: Can I help you? Oh wait, you're a Packled. (Raises voice and speaks slowly) CAN… I… HELP… YOU?
SASH: My Name Sash. Oh, wait, you human. (Yells) MY NAME SASH! YOU BALDRICK?
BALDRICK: SASH! Commander, this is my brother!
BLACKADDER: Somehow, Baldrick, I'm not surprised. (Baldrick smiles then looks at Blackadder. Blackadder stares back. Baldrick nods his head at Sash. Blackadder stares back. Nod. Stare. Nod. Stare. Nod)
BLACKADDER: Baldrick, I gave you standing permission a year ago to 'go for a potty' without my express consent.
BALDRICK: No, sir. My brother…(nod)
BLACKADDER: What the hell do you want, Baldrick? You look like a Bobble Headed doll trying to entice Barbie behind the toy chest for a quickie.
BALDRICK: You said you'd introduce us, sir.
BLACKADDER: Oh, god. All right. Baldrick, this is your brother. Your different-species, distant-planet, brain like a squash brother. SASH! THIS… IS… YOUR… BROTHER… BALDRICK.
SASH: ME KNOW. ME FOUND HIM THROUGH INTERNET!
BALDRICK: Thank you, sir.
BLACKADDER: Okay, this is going to get old, fast. Whoops, there it went. Look, can you follow conversation held in a normal voice?
SASH: YES. CAN. YOU? (Blackadder's face darkens but he doesn't comment)
BALDRICK: You said you had proof, didn't you?
SASH: Oh, yes. Look this! (Pulls a sandwich out of his satchel. An old, stale, dried up, bulletproof sandwich) What think?
BLACKADDER: What the HELL is that?
BALDRICK: It's me mum's sandwich, sir!
BLACKADDER: And your mum always made sandwiches just like that, eh?
BALDRICK: It's not 'like' me mum's sandwich, sir. It is her sandwich.
BLACKADDER: How many sandwiches has your mum made, Baldrick?
BALDRICK: Just the one, sir. She used to clean up in a cooking school, sir. One night, they forgot to lock everything up, and before she left, she made this. Her one effort at gourmet cooking. She treasured it forever. Kept it on a shelf.
BLACKADDER: And you're sure this is that sandwich?
BALDRICK: Yessir. Look at that tiny little tooth mark, on the edge. One day, when I was four, I very nearly managed to take a bite out of it. Oh, did she whale on me for that one, sir.
SASH: Yes. She threw me out an airlock once for licking it.
BLACKADDER: Out an airlock? Didn't that kill you?
SASH: Yes, but only little. Mum nurse me back to health next day.
(Blackadder stares at Stash with a look of suspicion)
BALDRICK: Can I leave early, today, sir? I want to show my brother around the station.
BLACKADDER: It is not possible, Baldrick, for you to leave my presence any too early. Go, have a good time. Just...be careful, alright? I mean, while anything is possible in a galaxy this large, and interspecies couples have… it's not real likely that he's… you see, he doesn't even look like (cut to view of the two of them standing next to each other, similar hunch, similar expressions)...okay, but you're not very…
BALDRICK: Just a minute, sir. Sash, have you eaten?
SASH: Yes. Almost daily most of life. Why?
BALDRICK: Just curious. Anything else, Mr. B?
BLACKADDER: (sighs) No, actually, have a nice reunion.
(They leave, with a small confusion as they both try to go through the door at the same time.)
(Melchett's office, the admiral sits at his desk. Caption: 'Around a while some later.' Blackadder enters)
BLACKADDER: You wanted to see me, Admiral?
MELCHETT: Yes, Edmund. We need to initiate a new manning initiative. Admiral Cartwright has been ordered to form a piracy interdiction force, centered around some piracy activity between Earth and Andoria. His manpower requests need to be filled with great urgency.
BLACKADDER: These pirates… isn't the rumor that they're Packleds, sir?
MELCHETT: Yes, but instead of the usual random outbreaks of acquisitiveness we associated with the Packleds up to now, they seem to be organizing. Almost as if they've developed a plan or something.
BLACKADDER: The idea of a Packled Plot paints a pretty preposterous picture.' Perhaps they gained a new leader? One that isn't Packled?
MELCHETT: Quite right, Commander. But where would they have found a leader, someone willing to lead such a race of… differently-abled members?
BLACKADDER: Well, it doesn't need to be anyone really smart, sir. Just someone smarter than the average Packled.
MELCHETT: Ah. True. For 'in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man would be king,' eh?
BLACKADDER: Actually, sir, I have found that in the land of the blind, a one-eyed man is the only one who's afraid of the dark. Not an advantage, really. But I'll get right on this matter, sir. (leaves)
(Blackadder's office. Caption: 'Blackoffice's Adder' Blackadder enters to find Percy at Baldrick's desk.)
PERCY: Commander, do you have any idea where Baldrick's gone? I can't figure out his filing system.
BLACKADDER: Baldrick files everything's under 'S' for 'Stuff I don't know Squat about.' Move over. (sits at Baldrick's desk, starts calling up files) As to where he's gone, I believe he's the victim of a plot so cunning, so devious, and so sly, only a man as stupid as my Chief petty officer would fall for it. Him or permacrete slab of equal weight and education. Ah! Here it is.
PERCY: Here's what?
BLACKADDER: His first email from his long-lost brother. That explains a lot.
PERCY: How so, sir?
BLACKADDER: I'm guessing that the Packleds searched long and hard for someone like Baldrick. They sent an email to people to see who would accept their story about a long-lost brother. I'm guessing they had a conspiracy to find an appropriate patsy.
PERCY: I didn't get any such email.
BLACKADDER: Well, Baldrick must be the only person in the Federation whose Spam filter is set to accept emails sent to 20 billion people at one go.
PERCY: Interesting, sir. But how do you know it's a Packled conspiracy?
BLACKADDER: Because the email source is 'Not a Packled conspiracy dot org.'
PERCY: But that says it's not a conspiracy, sir. What makes you think it is one?
BLACKADDER: (Stares at Percy for a moment) Do me a favor, Perce, and delete all the emails in your inbox for a while.
PERCY: Yes, sir. But, I thought they had proof? Some connection to his mother?
BLACKADDER: (still clicking across the screens) Yes, well, that's a bit trickier. Unless, of course, you asked Baldrick for his hobbies, and he listed time spent at the (reads from screen) 'How would you recognize a long-lost brother Discussion Forum. Including, it looks like, artist's sketches of what a Mommy Baldrick's sandwich would look like, suitable for replicating.
PERCY: So, they've got him, and convinced him to help someone he thinks is his brother to raid Federation shipping?
BLACKADDER: Actually, I'd prefer to believe that Baldrick thinks he's playing charades. Still, any organization on the part of Packled raiders is a bad thing.
PERCY: So, what are you going to do?
BLACKADDER: Much as I had hoped I'd never need to say this, Perce… I need to find Baldrick and bring him back.
(In a Federation drinking establishment, (Caption: The Bar. Or maybe other one.) the standard alien types mingle freely. Blackadder sits at the bar. Lt. Cdr. George Colhurst St. Barleigh takes a seat next to him. Neither look at each other.)
BLACKADDER: So, George, hows spying?
GEORGE: Tip-tops, Blackadder. Spiffy.
BLACKADDER: Excellent, George. I need some help from Starfleet Intelligence. I need to infiltrate a certain alien species.
GEORGE: So you need our intelligence reports, some medical prosthetics, and some undercover backup, as well as-
BLACKADDER: Not to interrupt, George, but I'm infiltrating Packled pirates. I need a small ship, a general direction to travel, and a paper hat that says 'I am not a spy' written on it.
GEORGE: Ah. Packleds. The pirates in sector 27?
BLACKADDER: I suppose. Are they really becoming more of a problem?
GEORGE: Well, as long as the ship captains shove their valuables under a blanket and put tasty snacks in the safe, no real harm done, but incidents are increasing noticeably.
BLACKADDER: Ever since about stardate 2122.04?
GEORGE: Well, yes. Is there something significant about that date?
BLACKADDER: Yes. Someone named Sash fumigated my office.
(At the hideout entry (caption: At the hideout. Oh! Not supposed to tell!), carved rock cave, Packled Belt stands guard in passage. Blackadder enters. A paper hat on his head has 'I am not CDR Blackadder. I am not a spy' written on it.)
BLACKADDER: Hello. Who are you?
BELT: Belt. Me not guard of secret hideout.
BLACKADDER: Is this the secret hideout?
BELT: Not supposed to tell.
BLACKADDER: All right… if this WERE the secret hideout, what would the password be?
BELT: Pan-galactic gargle blaster.
BLACKADDER: I wish to enter the secret hideout, and the password is Pan-galactic gargle blaster.
BELT: Okay… wait! How I know you not a spy?
BLACKADDER: Um, my hat?
BELT: (reads hat) Huhhhh… okay. Anyone vouch for you?
BLACKADDER: Yes. Tippy. (raises hand from pocket. A face is drawn on the side, lipstick on forefinger and thumb, a small wig on the knuckles, and a tiny paper hat says "I'm not a spy, either"). Tippy says (high pitched voice): Nooooo, he's no spy.
BELT: Okay. You can come in. (Blackadder starts to step around BELT, who blocks his way. Points at Tippy) He has to stay outside. (Blackadder looks sharply at the guard, then down at his hand)
(Inside the hideout cave, (caption: After a little or bit later) Blackadder enters a large room, wiping his hand with a cloth. Looks around, then moves towards a group of pirates. Outside, BELT is wearing the paper hat and wig, the face is drawn on his hand.)
BELT: So… you from around here?
(Back inside the hideout cave, a crowd parts to allow Blackadder into the center. Baldrick is waving his arms while Packleds guess)
Packled1: A duck.
Packled2: The Hindenburg.
Packled3: The Gettysburg Address.
Packled4: Rhode Island.
Packled5: Little Women.
Packled4: Pepper Spray.
Sash: AH! Close on the ship in a pincer movement, disrupting their warp field and disabling their engines for long enough to board! Permanent engine destruction is unnecessary if operatives can control the bridge quickly enough.
BALDRICK: No, I was breaking the wishbone of the Christmas turkey.
ALL: Oh, yeah. (assorted mumbles, nods. Sash makes notes on a pad.)
BLACKADDER: Come along, Baldrick, time to go home.
BALDRICK: Commander Blackadder!
SASH: Blackadder? Where? (Looks around, including past Blackadder. Other Packleds jostle around, and knock off Blackadder's paper hat. He is discovered.) YOU! What you doing here?
(Blackadder is grabbed)
BLACKADDER: I didnt come here to not not not not not not not release Baldrick from your clever plan to exploit his superior mental abilities.
BALDRICK: My what?
SASH: SO, you think to fool us with candor. But we know double negative is positive, so 'didn't not' means did, but 'didn't not not' means didn't so (begins counting on fingers. So do all the other pirates, releasing Blackadder)
BLACKADDER (puts his hat back on, motions Baldrick out the cave door): C'mon, Baldrick. (At the door, he turns back to see Baldrick also counting on his fingers, mumbling 'not not NOT not' with the rest) BALDRICK!
BALDRICK: Oh, yes, sir.
(They pass out of sight through the cave door. A second later, we hear a voice)
BALDRICK: Tippy! Long time no see!
(Caption: It ends)
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