Annie VIII: Shorts

(Chronological index: Mostly Ray as College Sophomore)

"Sir, what's the compression rate for CPR on a sylph?" Ray asked. The instructor looked stressed but not shocked. Annie figured that he'd been expecting the question but hadn't come up with an answer for it.

"Well, uh, you'd have to, uh, determine their normal heart rate at, uh, rest. Then compare it to the heart rate of a normal sized person. Then, well, the proportions for the rate would be the same."

"Same as what?" Ray asked. "She's about one twelfth her 'normal' height, but she's about one seventeen hundredth of her 'normal' mass. So would it be one twelfth the compression rate or one seventeen hundredth?"

"It'd be twelve TIMES as much," Jefferson, a classmate of Ray's said. "Or seventeen hundred times faster, depending. Her metabolism has to be faster, not slower."

"But she's smaller," a woman between them asked, "wouldn't her pulse have shrunk when she did?"

"You, well, should probably contact the Thomas Jefferson University Hospital for any information on that," the instructor said, trying to regain control of the class. It was…different teaching engineers.

"Oooh!" Annie shouted happily. "Yes, let's go to Philly!"

"Shuttup," Ray said calmly. Calculators were coming out as people discussed her actual size ratio and the implications of surface mass ratio upon body heat retention, thus metabolism.

"ANYWAY! Ahem. Anyway, if I could have your attention?"

After the demonstration of proper CPR procedures, everyone was walked through slowly. The test was to be an emergency scenario.

The class sat at the back, desks turned to face the wall. The CPR dummy was on the floor in the front of the classroom. The instructor walked around behind them.

He tapped Ray and Jefferson on the shoulders. "Hey!" he shouted, "What's wrong with that woman?!?"

The students rose and ran to the front of the room. Annie held tight to the shirt pocket as she was jostled back and forth. When Ray got close he dropped to his knees and slid to the dummy.

The floor was slicker than he'd thought so he shot across, hit the dummy and both of them ran into the wall.

Annie fell out of her pocket. She shrieked as she went head-first into the gaping mouth.

As she was upside down, wrestling with the rubber tongue, Ray's voice called down to her.

"ANNIE! Are you okay!"

"FINE!" she snarled.

There was a moment of silence. Jefferson turned to the instructor. "You never told us what to do if she DOES answer the question…."

----------

"Three tens," Annie said and turned the cards over one at a time.

"Dammit!" TJ said and threw down his hand. "How does she keep doing that?"

"Told you not to play poker with Annie," Ray said from his bed. He was reading Shogun and trying not to let the game distract him from Feudal Japan.

"I think she cheats," TJ accused.

Thomas collected the cards and started to shuffle. "And how the hell would she do that? She can't bottom an Ace-"

"Well, you'd have to put it down where I could sit on it," Annie said as she shoveled her chips over to her side. Susan helped stack them once they were there.

"She can't see your cards," Thomas went on. "Unless you pick her up or turn them around. Then it's not cheating as much as 'you fucked up,' you know?"

"And you brought the cards," Susan said. "So unless you marked them AND used a pattern she already knew…"

"I'm going to buy a Bundt cake," Annie said. "And fill the center hole with chocolate. And hold my breath and dive in."

"Diving for sunken treasure?" Susan teased.

"Diving IN the treasure," Annie replied. "Then eat my way to the surface."

"We nearly saved her," Thomas said as he put the deck down for Annie. She carefully pushed against the side and started to split the deck. Thomas cut it where she started and dealt. "…But she fought us off bravely and stayed in the sauce until it was too late."

Annie picked her cards up by the edge and glanced under. She had to use a rack for gin, but five cards were easy enough to keep track of. She had a pair of Jacks and not much else.

The other players looked at their cards. Annie tracked them without staring. To her, everyone else's pupils were the size of dinner plates. Their respiration blew across her like hot, humid air conditioners. And twitches they probably weren't aware of almost changed the shape of their faces as far as she was concerned.

Thomas was quite excited about his hand. Susan was hopeful and TJ was disappointed.

The first round of bets was pretty desultory. Thomas was once again trying to lull his victims.

Annie took three cards. They didn't help. If anything Thomas was more excited when he looked at the one card he drew.

"I fold," she said when the bet came around to her. Susan was a quick study. She didn't know how the sylph knew she was outgunned, but she knew she wasn't the one with a winning hand. She folded right along with Annie.

TJ braved it out and contributed nicely to Thomas' funds for his and Susan's date.

The cards went to TJ. He shuffled but kept staring at Annie. She tipped her ante up on its side and rolled it to the center.

"You say it's skill or luck?" he asked.

"Luck," Thomas said.

"Skill," Susan replied with a wink down at the sylph.

"Let's see," TJ said. He slapped the deck down on the table by Thomas. "Let's up the bet. Winner take all."

"ALL my chips?" Annie said. "What about my cake?"

"No, no, you can keep the money," TJ said. "I wanna bet for you."

"Me?" she replied in a small voice.

"If I win this hand, I get to take you back to my place for the weekend."

"Ooooh," Susan said. "I don't like the sound of that."

"And if I win?" she asked. "You have to buy me a Bundt cake and a bottle of chocolate syrup." She turned and walked back to her chips. "And you don't get to watch me eat it!"

"Done," he said.

Everyone glanced over at Ray. He didn't look up from the paperback. "Leave me out of it," he said. "Ninjas."

TJ swept up the deck and dealt. Annie kept a close eye on the man. She could tell when he was sure he had the winning hand. The confidence, the surety, the absolute knowledge that his was superior almost reeked.

Trouble is, he hadn't looked at his cards yet.

"What I can't figure, though," Annie said out loud, "is how you're cheating?"

"What?" Susan asked.

"How do you know he's cheating?" Thomas asked.

"Oh, she's just trying to get out of paying up!" TJ said. He reached down for his hand.

"Are you guys still playing with TJ's deck of tapered cards?" Ray asked. He stood and collected the unused portion of the deck. "There's a very slight taper between top and bottom on these sorts of cards."

He sorted through the deck as everyone stared. Or glowered, in TJ's case. Taking four cards out, he turned them over, then shuffled the deck.

"Here," he said, offering the stack to each player. "See if you can find the Queens." Susan swept her hand along the deck and two Queens came out.

Thomas stripped out another. TJ didn't move. Annie stared when Ray put the deck down on the table. When she looked for it, she could see that one card sticking out from the others.

"I think…" Thomas said slowly, "that the game is over."

"The jig is up," Susan said.

"Okay, I'm going," TJ said, reaching for the cigar box with the cash.

Thomas brought his hand down swiftly on the other man's wrist. "I think that the traditional procedure here is to give you back your money, but break both of your legs. Would you like to be traditional, or perhaps you'd prefer to walk out?"

"Annie," Susan said, "I think I'd like to see a Second Degree Black Belt fold TJ into an origami figure. What do you think it should be?"

Annie shook her head and moved slightly to her right. Susan picked her up just in case things got violent.

Thomas and Ray escorted TJ to the door. There were low words exchanged, including a reference to a dean.

Susan stroked Annie's hair until the guys came back. Thomas glanced at the stacks of chips and divided the cash.

A small pile of cash remained at TJ's place when he was finished. He glanced at Susan, she shrugged. He slid the stack over to Annie's place.

"Date?" Thomas asked Susan.

"Double date?" she asked Ray.

"Hungry?" he asked Annie.

"Sundaes are on me!" she said as she straightened her bills.

----------

"Hey, guys, what's the Will of Landru?"

Ray turned around to see one of the other students in the computer lab looking around helplessly. Ray didn't recognize the guy.

"Star Trek," Ray said helpfully. "That planet that was run by a computer? Landru was the computer." The other guy stared. "So," Ray continued, "what the computer decided would be The Will of The Computer, or Will of Landru."

"Great," the guy sneered. "What does that have to do with where my report went?" He gestured at his screen. Ray saved the program he was writing and walked over.

"The desired report," he read aloud, "had too many run-on sentences that went on and on and on with no end in sight and, it should be added, a significant number of subordinate clauses that, in the mind of many scholars, notably those working with translators at the United Nations, probably indicates a certain amount of brain damage, possibly stemming from malnutrition in youth, indicating that the User is either from Ethiopia or perhaps Kentucky. The effort has been quarantined on a hard drive that cannot be accessed by this terminal. This is the Will of Landru. Please restart the User's educational career, this one has been a waste. So says the Apostle of Landru."

"Well?" the user asked.

Ray responded to the surly tone more than anything else. "I don't know," he lied, "you certainly don't look Ethiopian."

Giggles broke out at a few computer stations. User aimed his glare around the room then back to Ray. "What are you going to do about this?!" he asked.

"Nothing," Ray shrugged. "I'm not the sysop. Did you schedule computer time to type up a report?"

"Yeah! It beats waiting for an electric typewriter at the library."

Ray reached down to cycle power to the terminal screen. "I'd go get in line if I were you."

The nameless user grabbed his notes and stormed out. Laughter followed him through the door. Ray signed off and collected his own material.

Two doors down the hall was the office of the systems operators, though anyone outside of the computer department would be hard pressed to tell.

He entered and found Susan chewing through the remains of a pencil stub as she scrolled through her code. Ray took the seat beside her.

"Hey," she said after a few minutes.

"Hey," he replied. "You got any idea where Annie is?"

"She went to sleep in her carrier a few minutes ago." After a moment Ray grabbed Susan's chin and moved her face from the computer screen to looking at the wall clock. "Oh! Uh, a couple of hours ago."

He moved the face further until she was looking at the carrier where it perched on a shelf of reel tapes. The silent, still carrier.

They found her in the Admin's office next door. She had a bamboo chopstick in her hand and ran diligently back and forth tapping keys.

Being the geeks they were, they bent to see what she was typing before stopping her.

"Master Control Program has appropriated the file space taken up by this report. It violated the logical functions whereby rational beings comport themselves and indicates the user to be a brain dead, mouth breathing, lip reading, cousin marrying, sister kissing, cow chasing, total waste of-"

Susan lifted up the chopstick. Annie growled and hung on until Ray stripped her off of it.

"This is not what sylph day-care was supposed to accomplish, Annie," Ray said.

"I could get in big trouble for this!" Susan said. "It's bad enough that I sneak a sylph into the building! If the dean finds out that you even have access to the system, much less know as much as you do…" She moaned.

"It'll be okay," Ray assured her. "The programmers are always screwing with the less computer literate users. You've got your hands full keeping the train on the rails, you can't be held responsible for lunatics putting Roman candles in the firebox."

Annie sulked in his grip. "I don't suppose anyone's going to hit 'enter' for me?"

Ray shook his head and reached for the delete key. Susan blocked his hand with the chopstick.

"What was the poor bastard's crime?" she asked.

"He quotes the Bible, the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, Aristotle and Marx to show that sylphs are God's punishment for mankind's arrogance."

Ray snorted and reached out again.

"And so," Annie said with a wicked smile, "they should be kept away from important affairs. Just like blacks, women and Catholics."

Ray paused. Susan pushed him to the side with her hip and took the chair. "What were you going for, here? Waste of air?"

"Waste of sperm," Ray supplied. Susan started typing.

----------

Annie swung out of the pocket and used Ray's tie to slide down to the table. He glowered at her a bit but didn't say anything.

Around them, Thomas, Susan, Jeremy and Jean were used to Annie's behavior and did no more than smile. The diners who were alum stared more than a bit.

She ignored them all and wrestled a roll out of the bread basket. She got it to the bread plate. Ray stopped cutting his meat and broke it open for her.

"Thanks!" she said and tore a piece out of the center.

The Culinary Arts instructor made a brief speech about tonight being Comfort Foods Night, introduced the student chef and the student co-head waiters then they got on with their meal.

"How'd you learn about this?" Thomas asked Susan. She turned and pointed to one of the waitresses.

"My roommate, Deliah. She's going to be head waiter next week, for Indian night. And she'll be chef on New Orleans night."

"New Orleans?" Annie asked. "Like, gumbo and stuff?"

"I'll have her get you a menu," Susan promised.

"How many of these one-night-stand restaurants do you think I'm taking you to?" Ray asked.

Annie's lower lip trembled. "If ewe wuuuuuuv me…"

"Stop dripping schmaltz on the table," he said with scorn, wiping at her face with his tablecloth. The whole table laughed. One of the older gentlemen took that as good as an introduction and leaned forward.

"Hey, did you guys here about the sylph who-"

"Yes," Annie said. "If it's a short joke or a sylph joke, we've heard it. I've lived it. They're not funny."

"Well, this one-" the man started to say. The woman next to him, presumably his wife, placed a hand on his.

"I'll bet you," Annie said as she climbed up onto the centerpiece, "the price of tonight's meal that I know the punch line to the next ten jokes you can remember."

"Deal," the woman said. The man was looking at Ray. He shrugged.

"I can cover her. Two meals? You and your lovely wife?" The woman smiled.

"And I guess I pay for you and your boyfriend?" the man said, looking from Ray to Thomas. Susan started to look upset but Ray and Thomas just laughed.

"Whatever," Ray said.

"Brutalize him, Annie," Jeremy said. The salad course arrived and the joke-off was delayed until the wait staff retreated.

"How many sylphs does it take to change a light bulb?" he asked.

"Seven," Annie replied, "then you wait two beats and say, 'What? Have you seen the size of those damned things." She wrestled a baby carrot into the Thousand Island and nibbled on the end.

"It's hard to fly with the eagles," he pressed on.

"When they think you're bite sized," she said without a pause.

"Did you hear about the SW who played poker at the veterinarian's house?"

"She ended up owing more money than she had and had to feed the kitty."

"Why don't you let a sylph drive the car?"

"Because they like to ride on the shoulder."

"How can you tell if a sylph has been in your refrigerator?"

"Pitiful cries for help from the crisper."

"How do sylphs keep from being bitten by fleas?"

"They duck."

"That's not the way I heard it," he started to say.

"Yes, it is, Howard," his wife said. He shot her a glare. She returned it with full force. "Win fairly or just pay the young man right now."

"Ahem. Well, then, how many dead sylphs-"

"No, Howard." The couple traded glares again as the salad plates were removed. Susan flashed a thumb-up at Annie when the waiter blocked the gesture from Howard's view.

The main course was served, Howard continuing once the intrusion ended.

"How can you tell that a sylph has a drinking problem?"

Annie walked over to Ray's water glass, grabbed it by the stem and lifted. His hand hovered over the glass as she staggered back and forth on the table. She let it fall with a muffled clink on the tablecloth. "When she can't hold her drink."

"We would," Jeremy said, "also have accepted: Can't hold her beer, her liquor or her wine." He tipped his glass in Annie's direction. The man next to Howard actually proposed a toast to the little performer.

All this gave Howard more time to think up two more jokes but Annie was confident. Ray was eating his meatloaf without a sign of concern.

"How do you drive a sylph insane?"

"Seal her inside a Mason jar with a can opener."

"What do you call a sylph on a ceiling fan?"

Annie extended her arms and spun. "A girl that gets around... and around... and around... and around... and around..." She spun to a stop and skipped a bit across the table. Thomas put down his hand and steadied her before she fell in his potatoes. "Thanks. How many is that?"

"Nine," Ray said without looking up. "One more." She turned, crossed her arms and waited patiently for Howard. He thought, glared, chewed and finally spoke.

"What prevents a sylph from rising in a corporate business environment?"

"Well, I've heard a pun on the glass ceiling," Annie said, "when they say the punchline is the 'glass floor.' And there are a few sight gags about sylphs on table tops or desk tops." She tapped her chin. "But my personal favorite is: What prevents a sylph from rising in a corporate business environment? Stairs."

After the money was handed over, with ill grace, Ray put it beside his plate, looked at his sylph and tapped the cash. He nodded in Howard's direction. Annie pretended not to know what he meant. Another nod. A shrug. He glared. Finally she rolled her eyes and stalked around the drinks and butter plates.

"Howard? I have to say, I was certain you wouldn't have been able to even remember five jokes without help. Can I buy you and your wife a drink?"

"I think that's a lovely thought, Annie, don't you Howard?" Howard didn't respond. "I'm Estelle," she said, extending her hand. Annie shook a finger. "He'll have bourbon."

Ray stood, collected the cash and stepped towards the drink table. "Estelle?"

"A white wine, thank you."

While they waited, Estelle looked from Annie to Howard and back. "If you really want to get on his good side, dear, you need to tell college jokes."

"Oh! These two Gators walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it…"

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