Annie XL Dates from Hell

(Chronological index: Between their first date and the wedding)

It was their first night together after the proposal. Annie had suggested everyone taking some time off from seeing each other, to clear their heads and make sure no one was making a mistake.

"Maybe a week? Two? Just to be sure no one's acting in the heat of the moment, or thinking with the wrong nerve collections."

Ray had suggested putting Annie in a pickle jar until she could behave in polite company. Denise offered to help stuff her in. Pet offered to hold the lid.

Everyone, even Annie, was very impressed that Pet felt comfortable enough to join in on teasing her fellow sylph.

They did decide to have a few relaxed dates. A little time to let the significance of the emotions sink in, before making announcements or starting the planning.

Ray and Denise worked together to cook dinner. They let Pet pick a movie and Annie pick the movie snacks.

No one was really surprised when they ended up with a romantic comedy and heavily buttered popcorn.

When it was over, Ray put on some music and sat on the sofa. Denise curled up with her head on his shoulder. Annie and Pet sprawled on his chest. They just drifted in the moment for a long, relaxing while.

"What was your worst date ever?" Ray asked, thinking about the movie.

"When she fell down in the mall and nearly died and went to the hospital and I almost got eaten by a CAT!" Pet answered.

Denise stroked Pet's back. "Calm, little one. We agreed that wasn't a date."

"Oh. Yeah. Well, then it was probably Chester."

"Yeah," Denise agreed. "Certainly the shortest."

------

Denise opened her apartment door to find her boss' fix-up standing in the hall. He had a bouquet of flowers and teddy bear.

The toy was bright gold, with enormous eyes and red dots on the cheeks. It wore a jumper that glowed in primary colors.

Denise's first thought on seeing it was that it was something child molesters would use as a lure. But she shrugged it off. She knew Chester had never been around kids or sylphs and didn't know any better.

"Hey, Chester, come on in." She stepped back and gestured towards her living area.

"Hello, Denise." He offered the flowers. "These are for you."

"Well, thank you," she said with a smile. She stepped to the sink and put them in water. He was leaning over Pet on the end table when she came back to the front room.

"And this is for you, Pet."

"Thank you, Mister Vekkain," she said slowly. She was recoiling from the toy.

"Oh, call me Chester, Pet." He shook the bear at her. She let out a tiny 'eep' and ran behind the lamp.

"That's a little big for her," Denise pointed out.

"Well, yeah," he said. "I didn't think she could cuddle it, but maybe sit on the lap?" He put it down and gestured. Pet looked up at Denise. Her owner nodded and she tried to climb up onto the bear's leg. She looked like a tourist on the Lincoln Monument.

He rocked the bear back and forth, laughing at her attempt to keep her seating.

"Let's go eat," Denise said, putting a hand out to collect her sylph.

"Okay, sure," he said. He held the door for her.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"It's a surprise," he said.

"Well, is this dress okay?" She spun in the hall to show him what she wore.

"Oh, it's fine," he said, pulling the door shut. "But, uh… Isn't your sylph supposed to be naked?"

She turned to explain that sylph clothing was optional except on airlines, military reservations and Jerry Springer.

Then she noticed how he was staring at Pet. She turned just in time to see him lick his lips. She stepped to her door and unlocked it.

"Did you forget something?" Chester asked.

"No," she said. "Realized something." She tossed the bear at him and slammed the door.

-------

Pet rolled over and hugged Denise's finger. "That was a scary bear," she said. She kissed the fingertip.

"What happened to Chester?" Annie asked.

"He lectured my boss on how immature I was. Something about territorial feminism, if I remember right. But I never saw him again." Denise played tug of war with Pet for a while, then rubbed her cheek on Ray's shoulder.

"What was yours?" she asked him.

"My what? Teddy bear?"

"She means your worst date," Annie said. "And by that, she means Mary Cagney."

"Oooooooh," Ray said. "Mary." Then he sat quietly for a moment. And another moment. At the third silent moment, Denise drove a knuckle into his ribs.

"Oh! Okay, Mary. Mary was a blind date that Thomas' wife, Susan, set me up with." He adopted a fairly poor imitation of a commercial narrator. "There we were, my Senior Year at college…."

------

Annie was in Ray's pocket when he picked up his date. "Mary Cagney?" he asked when a woman opened the sorority door.

She giggled, then closed the door.

"Not a good sign," Annie muttered as Ray waited on the porch.

"Sororities," Ray said, as if it explained anything. Annie would complain, but she knew she couldn't say 'men' in the same context. Not without starting a fight, anyway.

The door opened again and a girl in full-bore Goth dress stepped out.

Ray took in a black cowl over a floor-length black dress, long straight black hair and blue lips.

There was a large Celtic Cross on her necklace, two smaller crosses on her earrings and a crucifix charm on the ring piercing her lower lip.

"I'm Mary," she said.

"I'm Ray," he replied. She offered her hand, palm down for Ray to kiss. He raised it to his lips for a brief peck.

Annie was looking up a this and realized she had stigmata tattooed on her palm. She wondered if Susan had made a bet or lost one in this fix-up.

"Susan told me you had a sylph," she said as Ray opened the car door. "Has she been baptized?"

"I refer all questions of Annie's spirituality to Annie," he said. He shut the door and moved to the driver's side.

"Who's Annie?" she asked as he sat down.

"Yeah," Annie asked. "Who is Annie?

They had that sorted out by the time they got to the restaurant. And had established that she had been baptized in her family church before The Day.

"But not since?" Mary clearly drew a spiritual boundary on Annie's soul status before and after sylphing.

Annie had firm opinions on the sort of god that would have sylphed her and Mia, but she wasn't allowed to give her speech until the fourth date.

Sixth date, if any of those dates involved a church. Memories of the…unpleasantness while helping Jennifer set up tables for the Methodist Bake Sale would last a while.

They were escorted to their table and seated. Ray took a moment to let Annie see the desert menu. They'd been here before, but it never hurt to make sure they hadn't added Passion Cakes in the interim.

After they ordered, Mary held her hands out to where Annie stood by Ray's water glass.

"Annie, do you want be right by the Lord?" The intensity of her gaze was more than a little unsettling. Annie responded to the pressure easily enough.

"My Lord's left handed," she said, hooking a thumb over her shoulder.

"You know what I mean," Mary said. Annie was pretty sure she did, but she was also sure that Mary was a few pretzels short of a party mix.

If any blood started to ooze from, well, anywhere on that woman, she was going to scamper like a bunny.

Mary didn't miss the sarcasm. She just shook it off. "I understand your mockery, little sylph. Your shrinking is a challenge the Lord has placed on you. It is difficult to see the blessings afforded you."

Behind Annie, Ray was signaling the waitress to speed their drink order. The table shook under her feet as his arms waved.

"Yes," Annie said slowly. "The blessings of being able to drown in a toilet are difficult to isolate."

"But our meeting was fated, Annie. Have you ever heard of Rebirthing?"

"Like…being Born Again?" Annie asked.

"But not metaphorically," the whack job said, loud enough to draw stares from the next few tables. "The Lord has shrunk you so that I may take you up into my body for a real, second birthing."

"Your what now?"

"My womb is on fire for the Lord," she shouted.

Ray made eye contact with the waitress. She saw that he wanted her but wasn't about to move from the alcove. He gave up waving.

"You can be a spear from my quiver, hardened by my blessed uterus! Sharpened within my soul, you can strike out, a weapon for Our God Above!"

"Is this performance art?" Ray asked. Mary glared at him. "Just asking, see, because if it is, I'm really impressed." He waved a hand in the air, keeping her attention high as Annie jumped to his lap and burrowed into his pocket.

"Everyone's impressed. It's very brave, doing this for a bet? Or do you want to get funding for a stage act? 'Cause I'll give you twenty bucks right now to shut-"

"GOD has BLESSED ME!" Mary stood and raised her hands to the sky. The hostess started to step over but chickened out.

Ray pushed back his chair and readied himself.

------

"Evidently," Annie said, "she had a vision while she was masturbating. The vibrator told her she was a sacred vessel."

"My God," Denise whispered. "How did you get out of there?"

"When she climbed on the table," Ray said, "I threw her over my shoulder and carried her out."

"Wow," Pet said. "Then what?"

"Took her to the sorority. Her sisters laughed a lot, but they helped pry her off the dashboard and took her inside."

"What did you do to Susan?" Denise asked.

"HAIL MARY!" Annie shouted. Pet squeaked and jumped up in fright. Denise caught her and held her. "I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL! AND WHAT A SNUG TUNNEL IT WAS!"

She continued demonstrating the act that she'd performed for Susan. Denise laughed. When Pet realized it was parody, she started laughing, too. Denise put her back down.

"It was our last fix-up in college," Ray said. He ruffled Annie's hair, tipping her over and ending the rebirthing rehashing.

"OH!" Pet said. "Denise, tell them about that guy with the hat."

"Hat?"

"The fuzzy hat that stuck out weird!"

"That was a toupee, silly." Denise tickled Pet for a few moments, until Annie dragged her friend over to her side of Ray's chest.

"This guy from a business class? He told me on the first date that girls that don't put out by the third date probably have an STD."

"Men," Ray said sourly, a split second before Annie could. She stood on his ribs and glared at him. He avoided eye contact.

"That's not the worst," Pet said. She sat at Annie's feet, curled up with her arms around her knees.

"No," Denise agreed. "He then said, if he was sleeping with me on our third date, he should be allowed to sleep with Pet on our second.

"Eugh!" Pet shivered.

"Poor thing," Ray said, putting a finger to the girl's back and rubbing.

"How would that even work?" Annie asked. "I mean, would you be watching TV while he exposes himself in the bedroom?"

"I don't know," Denise shrugged. "We never even finished the first date. I told him he was at no risk of getting STDs on the third date. Or any other date. Then I took Pet and caught a taxi."

They all shook their heads for a while. Then everyone's eyes drifted to Ray again.

"My turn? Hmm."

---------

"She's just a little shy," Chipper insisted. Ray rubbed his chin, looking at Annie.

"What would that be like, I wonder," he mused.

"Oh, har, dee, har, har," she said without looking up from the plate of honey mustard wings. She was particular about her wings and wanted a drumette that was just right.

"So, I think her getting to know Annie would be great. She can feel comfortable around you two."

"Because she can overpower me," the sylph said, picking a wing and dragging it onto her plate. When she was clear, Ray slid his plate over and began eating.

"No, no," Chip protested. "She'll see what a gentle guy Ray is, and she'll feel confident that he won't hurt her or anything. So, will you do it?"

"I'm willing," Ray said. "But you're going to have to make it worthwhile for Annie, too."

"I will?"

"Unless you want me to antagonize her during dinner," Annie said as she hacked at the outer shell of her wing with her cleaver.

"Well…what do you want?" Chip glanced up at the sylph's owner for help. Ray shook his head.

"You want a favor from me so that I can do you and your cousin a favor?" he asked. "You've known Annie since my second day at work. You know what she wants."

"Five pounds of Easter candy?" Chip offered Annie. She chewed and held up one hand, flashing all her fingers twice. "Ten pounds? How long will it take a tiny little thing like you to eat ten POUNDS of candy?"

"My agent gets a pound," she said.

"And how long," Ray asked, "will it take Patsy to recover if Annie takes a dislike to her and acts out on it?"

Chip rolled his eyes but finally agreed.

-----

Patsy wanted to meet at the restaurant rather than be picked up. "That's great," Annie said. "Hasn't met you and she's got an escape route planned."

"Be nice," he ordered. She nodded without looking up from the digital scale.

"You know, I think he stiffed me!"

"How much?"

She did the math in her head. "About four jelly beans."

"You throw out the jelly beans!" he said. "They always end up in my part of the take."

"It's the principle of the thing." She circled the scale to make sure everything was on the plate.

"There may be some settling during transit," he said.

"That's volume, not mass," she said. "How dumb do you think I am?"

He looked her over. "You know, it would be really easy for me to make you a blonde. A cup of bleach, some Q-tips. Maybe some rubber bands for restraints. Lay you over the towel rack until it dries. Then you'll believe everything I tell you."

"Hardly," she shouted back. He reached out for her. She skipped backwards across the kitchen table. "Okay, okay! I'll accept this as full payment! I'll play along!" She reached the edge of the table and he picked her up. "I'LL BE NICE!"

Ray lifted her up in front of his face. "Please," he said. "I'll add four Kisses."

"It's okay, master, you don't have to," she said, hands up and palms out. "Really. I'm not going to pick on one of your dates. Not until she starts it, anyway."

"Close enough," he said. He kissed her gently on the face.

-----

Annie had suggested that she might be distracted at the Roadhouse Grill. Ray had acknowledged the threat and made the reservation.

That night, he waited patiently at the table as Annie played in the tin bucket of peanuts.

She tossed shells of interesting shapes out onto the table and fished around some more.

Patsy showed up only a few minutes after they'd agreed, quickly sitting down and picking up the menu.

Ray and Annie made eye contact at that. Then he shrugged and waited to make introductions.

Before she put the menu down, though, he realized that someone was watching him.

A pair of beady eyes looked at him from just at the top of the menu. Actual beads, little black glass orbs sewn onto white eyeballs. A dome of pure white hair arced over it. He glanced down at Annie but she hadn't noticed.

"Um…Hi!" he finally said. "Who are you?"

"I'm Ongkanon!" it said. The head rose a bit and he saw that it was a small hand puppet. "I'm the Angel of Communication!"

"The hell…?" Annie said softly from the bucket.

"Pleased to meet you, Ongkanon," Ray responded. "Are you having dinner with us?"

"Yes, if you don't mind. But thou needn't worry, as an angel I do not actually eat. I'm just with here for the company."

"Well, you're welcome," he said.

"Hello, Annie, Chip told me about you. It's nice to meet you."

Annie was positioned to look behind the menu. She bowed and started talking with Patsy.

For the rest of the evening, Patsy maintained two conversations. Ray talked to a hand puppet, Annie talked to a shy young woman.

Speaking with Ongkanon wasn't as weird as it might have been. Ray was used to talking to tiny little faces that tended to keep low to the table.

Annie seemed to be making a connection with Patsy. The one time he'd have hoped to have to take Annie's side, she was on the other one.

As a technical matter, Ray was very impressed with Patsy's skills. Even when the waitress took the menu away, she maintained two separate areas, like invisible conversation pits.

As a date, he figured she was nuttier than librarian chasing a howler monkey holding a bullhorn.

When the steaks arrived, she had a difficulty handling a knife in the puppet's little hands. Annie offered to keep Ongkanon company while the humans ate.

Patsy hesitated. The Angel encouraged her to enjoy the meal while he waited with Annie. Which added some itching powder to the howler monkey in Ray's mind.

She finally nodded and slipped the puppet off her hand. For the next twenty minutes she was almost as silent as the motionless Ongkanon. The only difference was that he wasn't occasionally tapping a plate with silverware.

When she was through with the meat, she slipped Ongkanon back on her hand as she ate the veggies. He didn't speak, just nodded every so often.

After everything was done and the desert declined, the angel bowed low. "Thank you very much for having us, Master Ray. I hope you enjoyed this as much as Patsy and I have."

"It's been great," Ray said.

"We'll have to do this again some time?" Ongkanon asked.

"After the Rapture?" Annie suggested. "When the Tribulation is over and the Dead shall rise up, unblemished…."

"Oh, Annie," Patsy said. "You're a post-tribulationist?" She shook her head sadly, nodded at Ray and departed.

The sylph stared at her departing back. At the door, the puppet appeared over her shoulder, waving goodbye. Then they were gone.

No, Ray reminded himself, then SHE was gone. And boy, wasn't that a redundant observation. He put out his hand and collected his pet.

"What did you say to her?" he asked.

"I dunno! Something they used to say at church, smiling and hopeful. I don't really remember the details."

"Huh. Well. I gotta say, of all the women I've broken up with over you, or over sylph issues? This time, you're completely worth it." He kissed her belly.

"Thank you, revered mas- EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

-------

Pet kept holding her hand up like it was inside a puppet and talking through it. Or trying to, she was laughing too hard to actually say anything.

Just when she seemed to be gaining control, Annie turned around and made her hand wave bye-bye over her shoulder.

Pet laughed so hard she fell over and rolled down Ray's chest and belly. Just as she reached the belt, her owner caught her and held her up.

"So," Denise asked, "was there another date?"

"Chipper was in my cube when I got to work. Said he'd heard and was sorry. 'Should have told you about her views on the Rapture,' he said.

"'Rapture?' I asked. 'You didn't see fit to warn me about Ongkanon?'

"Then HE asks, 'Ongkanon? Who's that? What the hell happened to Uriel?'"

They all laughed for a while. Then Denise snuggled closer. Ray reached over to the carrier for a sylph-sized quilt. Annie and Pet cuddled together over Ray's heart.

"Denny? Was that like the guy that took you to the beef place?"

-----

Denise showed her dining pass, then took the tray and looked for a place to sit. A man in a chef's uniform walked up and looked over her tray.

He was cute, she noticed. Chiseled features and deep brown eyes. Wide shoulders under the white jacket and just a bit taller than she was.

She wasn't sure if he was part of the cafeteria staff or a culinary program or some cooking nut wandering loose, but she hoped for the best.

After a second when he didn't move out of her way, though, she started planning worst case responses.

If he tried anything, she'd stiff-arm the entire tray into his face. If she centered the bowl of soup on his chin, the splash would get face, neck and-

"Excuse me, but do you enjoy this food?" he asked.

"It's the right price," she said with a shrug. "Already paid for."

"But do you enjoy it?" he insisted.

"I, uh, have had better, sure. But I can't afford-"

"Oh, that's no problem. You can eat much better than this. Let me take you out tonight and show you." He smiled. Rows of straight teeth glinted at her. She suspected they may even have sparkled.

"Uh… I don't date anyone before I know their name," she told him. She didn't really want to be cautious. He was asking her out, and apparently didn't know about Pet. She'd like to encourage that sort of thing.

Denise didn't have a self-esteem problem, but she liked knowing if she was the reason for someone's interest or just a pretext.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," he said. "I'm in Hospitality here." He showed her his student ID. They moved to a table and sat down.

Tom Pell was a year ahead of her at the university. After a few minutes they found they even had a few classes in common.

"I just saw you, and thought it'd be nice to know you, and then I got distracted by your tray."

"Well, flattery will get you a first date," she said. "No promises beyond that."

"Great," he said, flashing that stunning smile again. They made arrangements to meet.

Then he was gone. Denise glanced at the time and started to wolf her food.

-----

Pet had been helping Sheila with an art project. Tied to a puppet's cross with elastic string, the two had performed a quick act they called 'last minute desperation.'

Sheila returned Pet with a wry smile. "My professor said the only thing original about my act was the title." She gave Pet a quick kiss and handed her over. "But she said Pet was so adorable, she gave us a B."

"A B minus!" Pet said enthusiastically. "That's more than a B, right? It's longer. So that's better? Right?"

"Right, Pet," Denise told her with a laugh. "Now, come on. We have to get ready for dinner."

She described the pick-up for her roomies. Pet wasn't sure why her absence was more important than her presence, but if Denny was happy, she certainly was.

They met Pell at the cafeteria entrance. He was mildly surprised by Pet, but made a point to ask her out to dinner as well.

She giggled when he air-kissed her cheeks. Denise took it as a good sign.

He was secretive about their destination as he handed Denise into his car. With his old-world manners, she was willing to allow him a little leeway.

As he walked around the car to get in, Pet quickly expressed her 'dreamy' evaluation. Denise appreciated the comment, but then again, Pet was easily impressed by people talking to her as if she was a person. It never occurred to Denise that she was just as impressed by people treating her sylph that way.

They chatted a bit as he drove. Nothing consequential, not like some of her dates. He didn't reveal a desire to juggle Barbie dolls on the Gong Show or harvest sperm from wild grizzly bears.

But.

Until that evening, it had never occurred to Denise that one could actually tour a slaughterhouse.

-----

Tom made sure Denise got to see the animals in the pens, the animals being slaughtered and the butchers cutting them up.

The smell drove Pet down into Denise's pocket long before she saw anything that would be in her nightmares.

For her part, Denise was more angry at Tom than horrified at the slaughter.

"When you eat anything made of ground meat," he lectured her, "it's not just the steak you imagine. It can include anything from head to tail, including the head and the tail! Feet, rectum, anything that walks in here can end up on your burger."

"Yeah," she said, "and fig wasp corpses are in your Fig Newtons."

He looked a bit confused. "What?" she asked. "Am I supposed to be immobilized by the smell? The sounds? The blood?

"By 'eating better' I thought you meant quality. You're just stumping for a vegetarian diet, though, aren't you?"

"Vegan principles-" he started.

"If you have a logical argument for a dietary change or a world change," she said, stabbing a fingernail into his tie, "then offer it. This is just trying to shock people.

"Well, sylph activists have been trying to ambush me into an emotional reaction against owning Pet for years. This sort of underhanded appeal to emotion? Not something I'm interested in.

"Hang on, Pet, we're leaving." She turned and looked around the cold room. A butcher nodded his head towards a corner. Just outside of that exit was a phone on a shelf.

A very large sign on the shelf said that it was reserved for packing plant workers.

A smaller sign below that said that people who had been brought here by militant veggitivists could also use it. It listed the numbers three different taxi companies for their convenience.

-------

"Veggitivists," Annie said. "I think that's my new favorite word."

"Carla's new favorite word," Pet said, "is wedding." She felt Ray tense up beneath her. She heard Denise suck in a breath and hold it. "Oops," she said softly.

"Pet?" Annie asked. "Did you tell Carla these two got engaged?"

"I didn't mention any names," Pet protested. "I said someone I knew was going to marry someone I knew. And it made me really happy. And then Carla got really happy."

"Oh, my god," Denise said softly. "That's why she was so giddy when I got back from the restroom."

"I had to tell SOMEONE," Pet said. She started to scoot away from Denise.

"Of course you did, Pet," Annie said, hugging the younger sylph, holding her in place.

"She did?" Ray asked, eyes on his own pet. "You agree that she simply HAD to tell someone?"

"Yes," Annie said in an uncharacteristically defensive tone.

"Who?" he asked.

"Mom may suspect something of impending nuptials," she said softly. She shifted position slightly, hiding her face behind Pet's head.

When Pet realized what Annie was doing, she squeaked and twisted to hide behind the other sylph. They started wrestling, each trying to push the other to the front.

Ray kissed his fiancé, then picked up his sylph. Pet was still fighting when Denise picked her up. For a second she tried to push her owner's fingers in between her and her owner.

"It's a serious violation of the Agreement, Annie," he said. Then he hugged her to his throat. "But just this once, I'll let you off the hook."

"Well, if Annie's not getting punished, I can't punish you," Denise told Pet. She also got a hug.

"I wonder if we'll ever have any secrets in this house," Ray said.

"Well, you don't know what you're getting for Christmas yet," Denise pointed out.

"Um…" Ray, Annie and Pet said together.



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