Annie CXXII, Annie Taught Me
[size=150][b]Annie CXXII, Annie Taught Me[/b][/size]
There’s a series of one-liners, or really at least two liners, which covers ‘everything I needed to know ,Mom taught me. Stuff like:
• My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"
• My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."
• My Mother taught me logic: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,don't come running to me."
• My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
I was wondering how many could be developed for the master sylph relationship. Anyone can contribute, fire away.
--------------------
The professor asked, “Was anyone here home-schooled?”
Only Ray raised his hand. “Yes, sir.”
“Was it for religious or political reasons, young man?”
“I own a sylph,” Ray said.
“He does,” Annie pointed out from his pocket.
The professor blinked. “I’m sorry I... Did the schools in your district prohibit you from taking a sylph to school?"
“No, sir, I just didn’t need to. I own a sylph. I learned everything I needed to know from Annie.”
“What... What does owning a sylph teach you?
--------------------
Well, she taught me strategic planning. If I don’t get a good paying job, I won’t be able to buy her the good quality chocolates.”
“Cadbury,” Annie shouted. “Godiva. Lindt. Ghirardelli. The imports!”
“Ghirardelli is American,” Ray said.
“It’s from San Francisco! That’s [b]like [/b]a different country!”
--------------------
My sylph taught me ESP. She always knew when I was about to get into trouble.
“That wasn’t ESP, that was having an attention span!”
--------------------
Annie taught me to be flexible in negotiation. She wanted me to give her a can of Almond Roca a week or she’d tell Mom where I hid my porn. I bought her some porn of her own.”
“Mmmm... Out Behind The Barn, a classic.”
--------------------
She taught me about credibility. I was going to buy a shirt she didn’t like. She said if I wore it, God would throw a meteor at me. And, “Trust me on this.”
“And he did,” Annie added.
--------------------
She taught me the concept of justice. “If there were any justice in the world, Master, you’d be the one sitting in a cage in MY bedroom.”
--------------------
She taught me the subtleties of property law. Any chocolate she can reach is her chocolate. Any chocolate she can’t reach is still negotiable.
--------------------
She taught me religion. I bumped her off the windowsill one time, and spent twenty minutes holding her still form, begging God to make her still be alive.
--------------------
Annie taught me about envy. I said there were plenty of sylphs in the world that would trade placed with her. Living indoors, decent food, seven TV channels. She asked if I knew how to contact any of them.
--------------------
She taught me genetics. I made her a little house out of a birdcage, and she wanted walls, you know, for privacy, and I looked at my naked little sylph and asked, Why? And she said, “MEN!’
--------------------
She taught me philosophy. When I asked her if I should ask Mindy or Mandy to the dance, she said, “Why would I give a rat’s ass?”
--------------------
She taught me to identify a purpose in every endeavor. When she told me to buy the Toblerone instead of the licorice, she pointed out many times that “I’m not talking to hear myself speak, Master!”
--------------------
Annie taught me the value of different perspectives. “If you could see yourself from down here, Master, you’d trim your nose hairs.
-------------
Annie taught me about buying things on credit. If I was going to bribe her with toffee, I had to have the toffee on hand at the time. Just one ‘I’ll give it to you tomorrow,’ when you don’t have a chance to get toffee tomorrow, ruins your credibility.
-------------
She also taught me about verbal contracts. When she agreed to do something for one Almond Roca piece, the longer it took to pay her off, the more it turned out she had demanded in the first place. After five days, it turned out that I’d agreed to buy her a whole can.
-------------
She taught me the abbreviated Kama Sutra. I decided she was going to sleep on my desk, she protested. I explained how it was better for her, she said kiss my ass.
-------------
Annie taught me medical science. Chocolate has the power to cure paralysis, laziness, attention deficit disorders, amnesia, chills, fever and leprosy (at least, the lesser symptoms).
-------------
Annie taught me about story problems. I have two pets. One eats bird seed, the other is a hamster. How much birdseed can your pet hide in your bed until she gets human food?
-------------
Annie taught me about reverse psychology. I held up the water balloon. She said ‘you wouldn’t dare!’ And it turned out I would!
-------------
My pet taught me everything I need to know about negotiating from a position of strength. Before we’d even cleaned up the water balloon, she threatened to tell Mom. I bought her more porn.
-------------
Annie taught me the importance of Location, Location, Location. The cup holder of any given car is the worst place from which to: scout for food stops of choice, be a window-ledge driver, flip off [i]other[/i] drivers..
----------
She taught me The Theory of Relativity. My "walkable", is her time zone shift.
-------------
“Annie taught me sentence diagramming! It’s true! When my chemistry set started to burn green smoke and I threw it out the window and the rose bush blew up, she said, ‘You, underline YOU, are so very screwed.’ “
----------
“She taught me the alternate universe theory of the cosmos. After she called me a mean bastard, then found out I bought her a Dove bar, she said, ‘Can we pretend I never said that?’”
----------
Annie taught me all about fantasies. I took her shopping for sylph clothes and she said, “I’m in charge!”
----------
Annie taught me physics. A sylph at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by the serving of food.
----------
And thermodynamics. Heat flows from a warmer body to a cooler body until equilibrium is reached. Unless one body is a sylph. Then the heat flows to the sylph. Period.
----------
Oh! And the Uncertainty Principle! At any point in time after a package of chocolate is opened, there may or may not be enough left for a human to enjoy.
Back to the Index