Consulting




At our house, I told them to wait while I made sure Mom was ready to receive visitors.

“What,” Chip joked, “you think she might have her hair in curlers?”

“I just hope she’s not practicing with her throwing stars,” I said. They stared. I sat still for a second, then scooped Electra out of my pocket to place her on the tape holder between the front seats. “Be right back.”

“So,” Chrissy was asking as I got out of the back, “do you listen to the doctor demon stuff?”

She probably said ‘yes, but not voluntarily,’ but I was already halfway up the drive.

Mom was making cookies when I got inside. I asked if a couple of friends could come in and listen to Dr. Demento with me.

“When you say ‘friends,’ Conrad,” she asked, leaving it hanging there in the air. I wasn’t much of one for having friends come over.

I explained about the class president and his girlfriend and the talent show. I did not mention that one of them used to date someone who lived at this address.

No one’s business but Electra’s, really.

Mom was kind of excited to be hosting friends of mine and told me to bring them in.

They were standing beside the car when I went back out. Chrissy was holding Electra and softly stroking her hair.

And smiling. Her smile got wider when she saw me coming down the drive.

“She’s telling you about the red miniskirt I wore last year, isn’t she?” Chrissy started to giggle.

I introduced everyone to Mom. I completely forgot that Mom had overheard Electra wanting to congratulate Chip. Her eyebrows popped up when I said his name.

She covered, saying she recognized his name from the elections last year. Then she asked Chrissy how she knew me.

“Oh, Conrad was a life-saver.”

“I was?”

“He was?” Mom, Chip and Electra asked.

“Yeah, when people try to tease me about my name, I just say, ‘Conrad already thought of that one,’ and they shut up.”

“You teased Chrissy?” Mom asked.

So did Chip. I thought that was a bit ironic, since he’d been the first one to call me ‘Gonad’ back in the day.

But more importantly, Mom’s voice was low. She started to shift to what Dad calls her Gunfighter Stance.

Chrissy jumped to my defense, explaining about the day we met and it was all in good fun and, like she said, turned out handy in cutting jerks off at the knees.

“Well, that part I believe,” Mom said.

We went into the den. Chrissy kept holding Electra, sitting on the couch next to Chip.

I brought out the milk crate of records. “Okay, there’s spoken skits and songs. I really like spoken, such as Who’s On First or Dead Parrot, but I have been listening to them for 15 years. So the dialogue may take a while to fully commit to memory, while-“

“Stop sounding like a professor in lecture,” Electra shouted. “If you were producing this act, what would be easiest to do?”

“Gitarzan,” I said instantly. “I’ve always thought that would be perfect for high school.”

“Let’s hear it,” Chip said cheerfully.

“Please,” Chrissy said.

Ray Stevens released a ‘novelty’ song in the 60’s called ‘Gitarzan.’ There are four speaking roles, all performed by Ray Stevens. He is the Narrator, Gitarzan, Jane and Monkey.

The Narrator introduces the other characters and describes Gitarzan’s desire to form a jungle band, learn to play a guitar, and become a rock star.

“I figure you, Chip, could dress like Tarzan, carry a big inflatable guitar-“

“I have a real guitar,” he said.

“An inflatable would be funnier,” I said, “plus you can jump around the stage without worrying about dropping it.”

“What about me?” Chrissy asked.

“Well, technically, the song says Jane is homely and plain, so you COULD wear bad makeup, or go really… Um…”

“He wants to say ‘sexy,’” Electra said with a laugh.

“I own a zebra-striped bikini,” Chrissy said. Both girls laughed after that.

“I love the way they stopped breathing for a second, there!” Electra chortled. I mean, seriously, I didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘chortle’ until my pet laughed at Chip and my expressions.

Little weasel. “Let’s just listen to the song,” I said, playing with the stereo controls. After it was done, I said, “So, you get someone in a monkey costume to do the ook ook ook parts, and someone in, I dunno, an explorer’s outfit to be the Narrator?”

“I know someone who owns a a pith helmet,” Mom said. She walked in with a plate of cookies and a handful of sodas.

“Yeah, sure,” I said. “I can loan you guys… Why is everyone smiling at me?”

“Because you know every word of the song,” Chip said. “You didn’t miss a beat.”

“No one could learn it that well before the show,” Chrissy said.

“I think Miss Willis wants me to MC the show,” I said.

“So, you get the performer for the act before yours to introduce your act,” Mom said. “You can change during their act.”

“Nah,” Electra said. “He’d much rather wear the Explorer outfit all evening, let them think he’s being eccentric, until suddenly he takes his spot on the stage.”

“That… Sounds cool,” I said softly. It did. It really did. Two hours of ‘what the fuck?’ followed by an instant of dawning realization… Would Miss Willis let me get away with it, though?

“But this was your talent show act,” I protested.

“And your idea,” Chrissy said.

“You’re the only one who can convincingly DO the Narrator,” Chip said.

“Your mission, should you choose to accept it?” I asked.

“Yes,” Electra told me. She turned to Chip. “And he says yes, too.”

“Hey!” I protested.

"It's not going to happen without you, and it's going to happen, therefore you're going to do it," she explained.

“So, is there a part for Miss Electra?” Mom asked.

Chip and Chrissy both looked expectantly at me. So did Electra. Mom just looked at me with confidence.

“Mr. Peanut,” I said. “I have a chimpanzee hand puppet. Fit it with some balsa wood and springs, she can make his arms wave while the Monkey part plays.”

“Perfect!” Electra squealed.



-----
Index

15. Consultant

17. Talents