Talents




Dad caught one of the rehearsals in our garage. He’d helped design the arms for Monkey, adding counterweights and springs to reduce Electra’s work load.

Then watched Chip and Chrissy dance and sing, me present, and Electra wave her wands.

“If only you knew Chemistry as well as you know Ray Stevens,” he said with a shake of his head. But he applauded the act and complimented us all on the idea.

On The Night, I started out introducing acts while wearing khaki pants and a black t-shirt. After a few acts, I added a khaki shirt. Then a photographer’s vest after a few more acts. Then a bandana, and finally the pith helmet.

I never made any mention of the costume, not ‘and now we’re exploring the question of why girls just wanna have fun.’ Nope. Not a word of explanation.

Then, like she suggested, I came onstage after the Jareggi twins with a bamboo box. And the music started.

Chip came out in a loin cloth made from the chamois he used on his car, with a leopard-print sweat band in his hair. The plastic guitar was an inspired choice, if I do say so myself. It was freeing and empowering. He went crazy as a rock star. It was very seldom that he had both feet on the stage.

Chrissy was a sensation when she came out in the bikini. She found a bouffant blonde wig, and also a ham bone for her microphone.

When I introduced Monkey, Electra stood up on top of the bamboo box.

When the audience realized that it was Electra in the Monkey suit, they cheered her about as much as they’d cheered Chrissy in her bikini.

We slew. If they’d used an applause meter to pick winners, we’d have gotten first and second place.

In the end, the judges went with actual talent for the top prize, as none of us actually played an instrument or spoke. But we got second.

After they handed out the awards, Chrissy took a very sweaty sylph to the ladies dressing room to change and wash up.

Chip put on a shirt, I took off the vest, we were done. We stood by the exit, waiting for our ‘women folk.’ We just stood there in a companionable silence, feeling satisfied with our act. “Thanks, Conrad,” Chip said.

“Thank you, Chip,” I said. “We had a blast.”

“Um… Chrissy told me about the day you teased her about her name.” He didn’t slug me, so it must have been okay.

“Okay,” I said.

“I, uh, I’m sorry for Gonad.”

“Oh, that’s alright. If it hadn’t been you, it would have been someone else. It was an obvious choice.” I actually considered it low-hanging fruit, as far as insults went. And it felt good to be better than Chip was at SOMETHING.

“I still… I am sorry,” he said. “You could have held a grudge and not…” He waved towards the stage.

“I’d be more likely to punish you for wondering if Electra was contagious.” I had to remind him of his remark following her sylphing.

“Oh, uh, I only meant…”

“Stop,” I said. “I got past that.” I waited for a moment. “And I never, ever told Jennifer.”

He let his breath out in a big sigh. “Thanks,” he said.

“But unless you’re making a pass at me,” I said then, “that’s about as emotional as I ever want to get, okay?”

He slugged me in the shoulder. I screamed as if it hurt. That is, of course, when Chrissy walked up.

“Why did you hit him?” she asked. Chip opened his mouth but nothing came out.

“I made a pass at him,” I said. “All those muscles…”

Chrissy slugged me. And she meant it. I whimpered like a little girl. She gave me the carrier and I limped out to find my parents for the ride home.

The carrier giggled all the way to the parking lot. I hope she appreciated my humor, not my pain, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask.



-----
Index

16. Consulting

18. Votes