Charity Squares P2: The Games Start


After lunch, Conrad carried me back to our hotel suite. It was pretty impressive. All the sylphs and their owners/handlers were invited to hang out there.

There were four bedrooms, assigned to Conrad, Samantha, and Nolan, with the fourth set up as a dorm for the sylphs on the crew.

The main room had a balcony and big windows overlooking the mountains.

And the en suite Jacuzzi had been converted to swimming pool for the short set.

Our set was on a coffee table next to the pool. Delli had already laid out a couple dozen swimsuits just in case anyone hadn’t packed one.

She had the advantage, of course, her swuimsuit and her birthday suit took up the same amount of room in her luggage.

She looked at Thog and shook her head. “For you, though, the best I can offer is to paint a pair of trunks on you with a magic marker. Just don’t stand in profile in front of the window.”

“Thog do okay with spandex performing suit,” he replied. “Thog brought twenty of them.” With that he ran past her and down the plank to the pool’s edge.

He was first in the water, but soon just about everyone was present for the party.

It was relaxed, friendly.

I noticed that owners, of cast or crew, all stayed in the suite, talking to other owners. The handlers made sure the sylphs were settled, then went out to explore the resort area in twos and threes.

Samantha thoughtfully provided little cards with the name and phone number of the hotel and a local taxi service, just in case anyone needed help getting back later.

I was breaking a potato chip up with a hammer when Sally walked up and helped hold the biggest piece.

“Thanks.” I finished breaking it up and took a fragment.

She took one, too. “So, uh, your owner?”

“Conrad?” I looked around. He was sitting on the sofa talking to Sally’s sister, Jerri. They were laughing about something. “Don’t worry, he’s harmless.”

“I wasn’t complaining,” Sally said. She stepped a bit closer. “It’s just, uh…”

“Yes?” She seemed hesitant. “Oh, come on, Sally, we’re old friends. We hugged HOURS ago! Just say it.”

“Okay. Someone told my sister that Conrad’s a virgin,” she said. Her tone was one of warning.

“Not quite,” I said slowly. I mean, there WAS that night with Mrs. Branch. Technically.

But he’d never really been in a relationship, or even a one-night stand, on a more equal basis. “I guess, kinda sorta, depending on how you look at it.”

She nodded, then took in my expression. “Would you like me to warn her off? Tell her he’s… Taken?”

That was a poser. It sounded like Conrad had quite the chance for an encounter. Did he want that? Did I have the right to make the choice for him?

“Can… Can I get back to you on that?” I asked.

“Sure,” she said. “Whatever you want, you can tell me. We’ve known each other all these day,” she smiled. Then she glanced at the sofa. “I’d hurry, though, if I were you.”

I was conflicted. Conrad and I were pretty much exclusive, but we’d never actually made any promises, set down no boundaries or rules.

It could be we were exclusive mostly because of lack of opportunity.

I knew I wanted him all to myself, but… Well. Would making that a demand spoil everything?

That’s when Conrad knelt beside the table. “Electra? Are you okay?” He’d felt me. Just when I needed him. And left a hot blonde actress to come see to me.

Maybe I already had him all to myself?

“Could we…talk?” I asked. His eyes widened as I made it a ‘significant’ talk.

He swept me up and carried me to his room (I would say ours, but I was sleeping out in the main room with everyone else tonight). In the room, he continued to the bathroom and started water running in the tub. We were as isolated as we were going to get. He put me down on the sink counter and leaned a bit so our eyes were even.

“What’s up, Electra?”

“You, uh… You and me? Would you… Would you mind terribly if I told other people, other women, to leave you alone? To leave you to me?”

His eyebrows shot up. “Someone’s expressed an interest?” he asked. “Cast or crew?”

“Jerri,” I said. “Someone told her you were a virgin.”

“Technically not,” he said, “but I can see how someone might say that.”

He didn’t look interested. He looked at me. Saw me wringing my hands together and looking anxious… and he smiled. “Silly sylph, you’re worried about Jerri Kims seducing me? Cutting a notch on her belt? Don’t you know what they say?”

“What do they say?”

“Once you go small, that’s always your call.”

“No one says that,” I told him. But I had relaxed. I kept talking, unable to stop myself, because I was so relieved. “No one’s ever said that. Not on any talk show or any sitcom or stand up act. No one says that because it’s not true. I know it’s not true and I can give you several examples.

“I knew it wasn’t true even before your parents went small and-“

“LALALALALA!” he said, hands over his ears. “Not talking about my parents’ sex life! I mean, I love the trio like stepbrother and stepsisters, but no!”

“No, aye,” I said. “Okay. Okay, I just… Conrad, I don’t want to deprive you of an opportunity, but I have to tell you, I’d be insanely jealous.”

“I would, too,” he said. “So we’ll make a pact. I won’t sleep with Jerri Kims, and YOU won’t sleep with Sally.”

“EUGH!”

He laughed and turned off the water. Back in the main room, someone had set up a volleyball net in the shallow end of the pool. The humans were voting on a movie to watch on the big screen. Jerri looked up to smile at Conrad. I saw that she was holding Sally in her hand. That sylph looked from me to Conrad’s face, then gave me a thumb’s up.

She ran up her sister’s arm to talk into her ear. Jerri nodded and smiled at Conrad again.

It was a friendly smile. Just friendly, not predatory.

I like seeing people being friendly.

------

Sure enough, Nolan walked into the suite the next day, just before lunch, Kerri in his hand.

Conrad grabbed his suitcase and showed him to their room while Samantha brought the sylph over to the side of the pool.

“You made it!” I said happily as I hugged her in welcome.

“Yeah, I was going to be here if I had to walk the whole way!” she said. Introductions were made to the very few sylphs that hadn’t met her before. Then she started eying the pool. “How’s the water?”

“Thog gotta ask how buoyant little woman is.”

“Oh, Nolan packed my float!” On cue, her owner came out with her rubber donut, the one with a net across the bottom.

Delli helped her into a one-piece and soon we were all splashing around in the pool.

So, of course, once we were comfortable, Amelia announced that it was time for rehersal.

We splashed some water at her and ignored her.

“Dammit!” she shouted. “I thought I was working with professionals!”

“Why the fuck would you think that?” Froggie replied. “I mean, sorry, can’t hear you, water in the ear!”

“Both ears!” Supersylph shouted.

Amelia didn’t reply. She just walked over to one corner of the pool where there was a little decorative urn.

The urn turned out to be fake. She did something and it fell apart, revealing a bottle of bath bubbles.

Bubble baths were cool when I was a kid. A human, anyway. As a sylph, bubble baths are like going blind in a fog.

You have to pop each individual bubble just to breathe, while treading water, with no idea which direction the ladder was.

And your mouth and eyes filled with soap, no matter what you did, even if you dove to try to rinse it off.

It was a palpable threat, like a Bond villain’s death trap.

“Yes, miss Amelia,” we all said, like naughty school children, moving to the ladders.

-----

Cher took one look at the nine of us, hair still wet from the pool and dropped to his knees. “Thank God it’s a rehersal,” he prayed.

Nolan and Conrad were talking in the corner as we started to cross the table, moving around the cameras and over the cables. Well, cables to us. Wires to the real world.

“Hang on,” Conrad said. We all paused to look up at him. He waved for Sam to step over, then pointed at Nolan. “We had a thought. A lot of Kerri’s humorous quips are going to depend on the fact that she’s, um…”

“You can say knee-challenged!” Kerri shouted.

“That,” he said. “But her booth hides her amputations.”

“We’re worried the humor might be lost,” Nolan said.

“You want to change her desk?” Sam asked.

“No, no,” Conrad said. “We were thinking, usually the show introduces each guest in their square, but what if we had each guest run up to a little spot or a little stage up front, get introduced, then they climb up into their squares?”

“And Kerri goes last,” Nolan said. He was talking to all of us, bringing all of us in on the idea. Conrad, the village idiot, was just talking to Sam. He really should have known better.

About the point I started to frown, he suddenly looked down and looked embarrassed. Good.

“But I’ll look really silly climbing that parakeet ladder,” Kerri said.

“Thog lower a rope ladder and swing you up to Thog’s level,” the Mite suggested. “Thog good for solving problems and lifting.”

“That’d work,” Sam said. “AND we use something for the stage that highlights how small the sylphs are. Bring home the fact that we’re using sylphs for this game.”

She turned to the table, the crowd of us and Amelia. “How’s that sound?”

“Nolan has a rope ladder wristband!” Kerri said.

“Top level sylphs go first,” Nemesis suggested. “So we’re all in place about the same time?”

Jerri had walked over during the discussion. She wordlessly placed her cellphone down on the table. Sally jumped up on it. “And Sally Kims, star of Legion, The Movie!”

“Starring in, not star OF!” Jerri corrected her, with a laugh. “There ARE a few other heroes involved.”

“Perfect,” Amelia judged. Samantha put a second phone down, so one person could climb up while the other was on camera.

We practiced doing the intro that way, then walked through a game or two. Everything went off without a hitch, so we started getting dressed and made up for the evening taping.

-----

The contestants turned out to be people from politics. Activists for various causes, trying to win money for their charity. I hardly recognized any of them.

To me, they were mostly just X and Circle.

I was the next to last sylph introduced, so I was the one that helped Kerri into her bosun’s chair, so Thog could lift her up.

Then I sat in my square and practiced having a vacant look.

The first game started with a coin toss, then Circle went for Kerri in the strategically valuable center.

“Kerri,” Samantha said, “In 1974, Philipped Petit completed a tightrope walk between two outstanding peaks. What were they?”

“Dolly Parton’s Breasts,” Kerri replied. She pretended to think about it for a second. “I don’t really follow walking as a sport… But I think he walked from one tower of the Golden Gate Bridge to the other tower, didn’t he?”

Circle disagreed. “That’s correct,” Sam said. “He walked between the towers of the World Trade Center. Circle gets the square.”

X went to a corner. Sally Kims.

“Sally, what is superman’s greatest weakness?”

“Well, I’ve always had good luck with a Sparkling Riesling and a pink baby-doll nightie,” she replied. She sighed happily, then added, “Kryptonite, of course.”

X agreed and got the square.

Circle went to Froggie.

“Froggie, what is the name for the trees that never lose their leaves?”

“OH! I know that! I used to see those in hotel lobbies all the time! They’re called Plastic.” After a beat she suggested, “Evergreen.” Circle took the square.

X went with Supersylph to block.

“Supersylph, can you do math in your head?”

“What? No! Have you ever tried writing on toilet paper? It falls apart under the pencil even if you don’t make a mistake! And what erasers do to toilet paper…” While she was talking, Nemesis had snuck over and was making bunny ears behind her head.

“No, no,” Sam explained. “The actual question is a math problem, are you okay with that? With doing it inside your head, not the restroom?”

“Oh. Sure.”

“How many days are there between Thanksgiving and the Twelfth day of Christmas?”

“Oh.” She bit her lip. Nemesis started to cackle.

“She’s Jewish!” he chortled. She slugged him in the gut. He laughed his way back to his square.

“I dunno, um, thirty days hath September, blah, blah, blah… Forty?”

X disagreed. She was close, but it was 41. X had blocked Circle.

Circle then blocked X by picking Nemesis.

“Nemesis, who was Sherelock Holmes most famous opponent?”

“Arthur Conan Doyle, he wanted to kill the guy off several times, but his publisher wouldn’t let him.” He stuck with that answer, staring at the camera.

Circle disagreed, though she looked uncomfortable doing so. She knew that the answer was true, but probably not what the question was really asking.

Sure enough, Sam was looking for Moriarity, and she blocked.

X then went to IQ to block Circle.

“IQ, what plaything was developed based on an ancient Filipino weapon?”

“Dolly Parton’s Bra,” he said, glancing up at Kerri’s booth. “No, sorry, it was a boomerang.”

X agreed, but it turned out to be a yo-yo. Circle did not get the square because that would have been a win. So they went to IQ again.

“IQ, what action figure had arms and legs but no body, not until 1964?”

“Mr. Potato Head!” And with that, Circle won the first game.

They talked about prize money and what charity got it, then shuffled people around.

The next game, the new Circle started and chose me.

“Electra,” Sam said. I continued to stare vacantly. “Electra? ELECTRA!”

“Huh? Oh, sorry. I was worrying about having Sally as a guest on my show.”

“What’s the worry?” Sam asked. “Different networks?”

“No, it’s my producer, Conrad. He’s easily distracted, and he might invite Jerri to my interview. I don’t have any big enough chairs for Jerri!”

The camera cut to a shot of the folding chairs of the ‘audience,’ mostly handlers and owners. Jerri laughed at the comment, then they showed Sally laughing, then back to me.

“But, but, go ahead. You had a question?”

“Yes, how many sylphs have been villains in James Bond movies?”

“None,” I said. “They’re all minions of the villain. It’s actually illegal in British law to portray a sylph as a successful villain in a movie, so there would be no suspense. They’d never win and the audience would know it.”

Circle agreed with me, though it was total bullshit. The actual answer was two, based on sylphs that were shown giving orders to command criminal activity.

X got my square and followed up by going above me to Thog.

“Thog?”

“THOG HERE!”

“Thog, on Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie wear striped shirts. One wears horizontal stripes, one wears vertical stripes. Which one is which?”

Thog waved his hands up and down. “Vertical is going up and down. Horizontal is going across.” And he gestured to demonstrate horizontal. Then he sat back with a satisfied smile.

X looked really uncomfortable when Samantha didn’t attempt to correct the confusion. I could see his problem. Thog’s statement was not wrong. Should he accept Thog’s misunderstanding or disagree because Thog hadn’t answered the actual question?

“I’ll….”

“There is a time limit,” Sam said.

“I guess I’ll agree.”

“WHY?” Thog shouted. “Thog dumber than a refund from a free clinic!”

“That’s true,” Sam said with a shake of her head. “Thog’s answer was correct, but what we were looking for was that Ernie’s shirt has horizontal stripes, while Bert’s are vertical.”

“They make Bert look more uptight,” IQ shouted.

“Up!” Thog replied. “That what Thog said!”

“Anyway, Circle gets Thog’s square.”

"Ha! Thog teacher say it not possible to square a circle! Thog square IS circle. Now Thog say HA to Mrs. Humphrey! HA!"

After a moment of silence with no further outbursts, Sam turned to Circle. Circle went to Kerri.

“Kerri, how many men have walked on the Moon?”

“All of them,” Kerri snarled. “Every damned one of them a member of the male patriarchy. Just ANOTHER example of men keeping the women downtrodden!”

“Yes, quite,” Sam said. “How many patriarchs, though?”

“More than I can count on my fingers and toes,” Kerri said. She waved her hands around for a second. “So, I’ll say twelve?”

Circle agreed, Kerri was right, Circle got the square.

X went to Ensign Skippy to block.

“Ensign Skippy?”

“Aye, ma’am?”

“Ensign Skippy, Trek captains go on and on about the Prime Directive.”

“Yes, they do,” he said confidently. We all were confident, we all knew what the Prime Directive said.

“Well,” Sam asked, “is the Prime Directive a law of the Federation or a Starfleet order?”

“Yes, well, Kirk made it clear that you could only violate the Prime Directive if you started by punching an alien in the… Wait, what?” He looked stunned.

I think we all were. The cameras shot from face to face, showing all the nerds’ consternation.

“Um… Wow. I know you could be court-martialed for violating it, but that goes for actual laws these days, doesn’t it?” He looked around. “I’m… I’m going to… To say… Um. Federation? A Federation law?”

“I’m going to disagree,” X said.

“That’s good, because it’s also called Starfleet General Order 1,” Sam said. “X blocks Circle’s win.”



-----
Index

140. Charity Squares P1: Assemble

142. Charity Squares P3: It's How You Look At It