Charity Squares P3: It's How You Look At It


Circle went up to the middle of the top row, picking Nemesis to try to get another line.

“Nemesis, what is the costumed identity of the Batman villain named Arnold Wesker?”

“Villain?” Nemesis asked. He shifted in his seat. “I’m a supervillain. I spend time studying the heroes, not the competition.” He tapped his finger on the desk. “Let’s see. It’s not the Joker. It’s PROBABLY not Poison Ivy. Could be Pharaoh? Riddler?”

“Bad guy in over his evil head?” Supersylph taunted him.

“Hey, it’s not like you know the answer,” Nemesis snapped back at her.

“I do so!”

“Oh. Well, then, a little help?”

Supersylph jumped over to his square, striking a heroic stance. “Supersylph to the rescue!” Then she looked down at Nemesis. “Oh, wait, you’re the bad guy. I don’t rescue you, I drag you off to jail.” She leapt back to her cube.

“You rescue me eight times each season, you foolish woman!” he shouted after her. He spun to the camera. “Catwoman!” he snapped.

Circle disagreed. It turned out to be The Ventriloquist and Circle took that square.

X was forced to go to IQ to block.

“IQ, statistically speaking, what Monopoly property are you the most likely to land on.”

“Ah,” he nodded. “You said property. So that cancels out Community Chest, and Chance, and the Jail, the squares you can’t buy. That leaves… Um…”

“Twenty-eight squares,” Thog shouted. Everyone turned to stare in Thog’s direction. “Thog learn that from fortune cookie last week.”

“Twenty-eight,” IQ finally said. “Okay. Well, you know, Big Bang Theory takes place in Chicago, so out of loyalty I’m going to say it’s Illinois Avenue.”

Sam turned to X.

“No, BBT takes place in Pasadena!” he protested. “That would make Pacific Avenue the most likely. I’ll disagree.”

“Sorry,” Sam said. “Illinois Avenue is the right answer. It’s just that his rationale was kinda messed up. X does not get the square, but neither does Circle.”

Circle went back to IQ.

“IQ, you’re a sylph.”

“That’s right.”

“So you’re about 1/12th human scale.”

“Or one oneth of sylph scale,” he replied.

“Yes, well, what’s the numerical scale for a train built to HO scale?”

“One Hoth. No, wait, that’s a planet in Star Wars. Um.” He tapped his fingers, moved his hands as if estimating dimensions, scratched his head. “I’ll say one eighty-seventh, give or take a millimeter.”

Circle agreed and won that game. There was the repeat of the distribution of charity funds, the description of the charities, and we all waved good-bye to the camera.

That was it for the day, back to the suite.

The atmosphere at the pool was much the same as yesterday’s party. We voted for pasta for dinner and screened a couple of episodes of Big Bang Theory. IQ insisted on the episode I was on. I protested, but I was seriously outvoted. I think Cher voted twice.

Towards the end of the show, when they were tossing my character into a box to mail to Christmas Island, Froggie’s owner walked up to the table.

He placed a cotton pouch down beside her, closed with drawstrings, and walked away.

I saw that the side bore a label for a brand of rolling tobacco. “Wow,” I said, “that’s some habit you have!”

“It’s my duffel bag,” she said. “Looks like I’m sleeping here, tonight.”

“Oh?” I turned. Her master, Donald, I think, was walking out the door with a hand in the small of Jerri’s back.

“Me, too,” Sally said nearby.

“That’s fine,” I said, “we’ve got sofas and cushions and bean bags…” I stepped over to Froggie. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why?” she asked. She looked confused, glancing at Sally. Then she looked over my shoulder and said, “Oh…”

I turned to follow her gaze. Conrad was in some sort of card game with Samantha, Nolan and Thog’s handler.

“I hope the game doesn’t involve math,” I said. I turned back to Froggie. “What’s ‘oh’ for?”

“Oh, as in ‘Oh, yeah, she has a close relationship with her owner.’ I don’t. I’m his favorite toy, but I’m not a girlfriend.”

“Oh,” I said.

“See?” she smiled. “It’s very useful.” She shouldered the bag and went to pick out a sleeping spot.

The party kinda soured for me right after that. After Donald abandoned his ‘toy,’ and his toy was okay with it.

Suddenly, the table-top party was… I dunno. A diorama? An action figure playset? A bunch of toys playing with themselves while the owners played different games?

It probably didn’t help that Delli had done all the swimsuit in primary colors. “Like a beachball!” she’d bragged. Or like small children toys.

I took a deep breath, prepared to have a little bit of a meltdown. Conrad seemed to have placed me on the shelf with the kids’ toys while he flirted with the adults.

But then I saw IQ and Skippy fighting. I stepped a little closer to them.

IQ: “All I’m saying is that Star Wars has ships that can blow up entire planets!”

Skippy: “And all I’m saying is that when Kirk came across a spaceship that blew up planets? He blew it up!”

I started to laugh. Sure, it was a little silly, arguing over Trek/Wars superiority, but it was an adult topic to argue about. Adult nerds, anyway. And sylph nerds weren’t any less common than nerds among the human population. It just struck me funny, how ‘ordinary’ we were, after that little crisis I’d had.

People looked over at me oddly, but when I waved them off, they accepted that I was okay.

I had to sit down, but I couldn’t stop laughing.

Conrad hadn’t abandoned me. He was being wonderful, allowing me to have time with peers, friends I seldom saw, or had just met. A world I met on my terms and he didn’t intrude.

He’d be over in an instant if I asked, I knew. Not sure how I’d ask… We should probably start packing tiny signal flares.

The idea of indoor fireworks set me off even harder. I lay back, grabbed my belly and laughed until I couldn’t breathe.

IQ stepped up beside my feet. “Hey, Electra Leia! I need your help with the nerd, here.”

“Just… Just… Just a…” I stammered between laughs.

“I don’t think you need that kind of help!” Skippy shouted. IQ shrugged and walked off.

Kerri knuckled up and pat my shoulder. “There, there, it can’t be all that funny,” she said sympathetically. She glanced over at the giants. “Unless Conrad wrote it?”

I got control and sat up. “No, just an existential crisis. It struck me that we’re all toys.”

“Ah. Not the ‘we’re all pets’ one?” she asked.

“I know, such a freaking cliché, huh?” I sat up and looked around. Everything was back to normal.

A couple dozen friends playing in or beside a pool. A TV the size of a movie screen showing an episode of Supersylph. A slice of watermelon on a platter, with seeds I could use as small plates. A paperback book someone had set down nearby, twice the size of my bed. Mirrored sunglasses big enough that one of the sound girls was using the pair to check out her ass in her bikini.

An airline-sized bottle of bourbon equipped with block and tackle to pour drinks out of.

And in the distance, people the size of buildings played at cards on the top of a wooden plateau.

Normal.

“Come on,” Kerri said. “Buy me a slice of watermelon.” She held up her hands. “I can’t cut off a piece AND hold myself up out of the juice at the same time.”

“Okay,” I said.

-----

The first game of the next night started with X and X started with me.

“Electra? ELECTRA!”

"Huh? Oh, sorry, i was thinking about maybe interviewing Thog on the show."

"Thinking about questions to ask?"

"No, wondering where to do it? He’s not Jerri, but still, the set's not a dollhouse. If he doesn't fit through the door, we can't very well take off a wall..."

“THOG take off wall!” Thog volunteered.

“There!” Sam said happily. “Problem solved. So if we can get on with the game…?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah, sure! Whatta ya wanna know?”

“What is significant about the sylph spies in the Mission Impossible movies?”

“Oh. Tom Cruise will only work with sylphs that belong to Scientologists.”

“I’d heard that,” X said. “I agree.” And well he should. I’d been trying for years to get one of them on the show, but they were forbidden to do interviews.

So, X got my square, Circle went to Kerri.

“Kerri, Valerie Harper starred in the TV show, Rhoda, a spin-off from Mary Tyler Moore. She moved home to New York and lived with her parents.”

“I remember that,” Kerri said.

“Kerri, what was the name of Rhoda’s mother?”

“Ida Morgenstern,” Kerri said instantly.

Circle agreed and got the square. The camera lingered on Kerri. “I just… How is that a walking question? I always get walking questions…”

Skippy leaned into her cube to ask, “Hey, who was it that played Ida Morgenstern?”

“That was Nancy Walker,” Kerri said easily. “I always… OH! Oh, DAMMIT! Who wrote that question?” Skippy giggled and sat back down. Kerri remained incensed. “Did Conrad write that? Electra, did your producer write that question? Electra? ELECTRA!” she shouted.

“Huh? What?” I called back.

“Oh, never mind!” she snapped.

Circle had the center square, X went up to Thog.

“Thog.”

“THOG HERE!”

“Thog, Rome was built on seven hills. Can you name one of them?”

“Thog name all seven, Samantha. They Aventine, Caelian, Esquiline, Quirinal, Viminal, Capitoline and Palestine. “

X agreed.

“FOOL! Why you believe Thog! Thog dumber than crushed walnut!”

"I'm sorry, Bruce,” Samantha said, “Thog was mostly right, but the seventh hill is Palatine, not Palestine. Circle gets the square."

Circle went to Skippy for an early win.

“Skippy, according to Star Trek lore, what species got together to found the Federation?”

“Oh! That’s easy. The three species were humans, Vulcans, and Andorians all of which are represented on the bridge crew of my ship, the Inflict!”

Circle agreed, but Skippy had forgotten the Tellarites. X picked Skippy to block.

“Skippy, what speed is referred to as Transwarp?”

“That’s when you exceed Warp Ten,” he replied. X agreed and won the square.

Circle went to Froggie.

“Froggie, what’s significant about the March, 1955 issue of Playboy?”

“It had a young Nancy Walker on the cover,” she replied with a smirk.

“DAMMIT!”

“Huh? What?”

“No,” Froggie went on, “that issue was misprinted as the April issue. It’s a collector’s item!”

Circle disagreed.

“Good. It wasn’t a misprint, they skipped that month. It doesn’t exist. Circle gets the square. Jeremy?”

X went to Supersylph to block.

“Supersylph, we have a Leap Day because the Earth’s seasonal year does not quite match a calendar year.”

“Okay…”

“Why do we have a Leap Second?”

Supersylph blinked a couple of times, then quietly said, “Nemesis knows about stuff like that.”

“I do!” he chortled. “I suppose you want to be rescued?”

“It’s for charity,” she pointed out.

“Damn. Wish I’d thought of that when I needed help.” He shrugged and stepped over to whisper in Supersylph’s ear.

“Oh! That’s cool!” she said. She turned to the camera. “A Leap Second is caused because the Earth’s rotation doesn’t exactly match a 24-hour day.”

X wanted to disagree, but “My kids will stop speaking to me if I disagree with Supersylph. I’ll agree.”

“And it’s correct!”

Circle went to Nemesis.

“Nemesis.”

“Fire away!” he said, obviously feeling smug.

“A leap second is applied to the UTC time reference. What does UTC stand for?”

“Coordinated Universal Time,” he said, still smug.

“That doesn’t sound right,” Circle said. “But Supersylph says he knows these things, and my kids will also stop speaking to me… I’ll agree.”

“He’s right,” Sam said with a shrug.

Nemesis explained, “The acronym seems backwards because it’s an international standard, not just one for English speakers. English suggested CUT, while the French wanted TUC. UTC is what they finally agreed on.”

“Huh,” Sam said. “Learn something every day.”

“And you’ll forget it by tomorrow,” Nemesis predicted.

X had to go to IQ to block.

“IQ. You’re playing the game of Risk-“

“No, Samantha, I’m playing Tic-Tac-Toe,” he corrected her.

“No,” Kerri said, “THEY’RE playing Tic-Tac-Toe. You’re playing Charity Squares.”

“I stand corrected,” he said, stressing the verb, ‘stand.’

“Oh, har-dee-har-har!” Kerri snarled.

“IMAGINE you’re playing Risk,” Sam said, raising her voice slightly.

“Okay.”

“And you’ve conquered all of North America.”

“Including Pasadena?”

“Yes, IQ, including Pasadena. How many additional armies would you get for owning North America?”

“Five,” he said. “One for each time zone.”

“That’s not how it works,” X said. “But I’ll agree with his answer, if not his rationale.”

“Good choice,” Sam said. She looked at the board. “Okay, there’s no way anyone can get three in a row, so the first person to get five squares-“

“One for each time zone! I’m telling you!” IQ shouted. Sam ignored him.

“-Wins the round. Circle goes first.”

“Obviously, I’ll pick Sally.”

“Sally, who was the first costumed superhero?”

“Betsy Ross. She used to sneak around in a sort of Wonder-Woman costume, cutting British troops’ suspenders with her golden scissors so they’d be bare-assed in battle. That’s actually where the flag design came from!”

“Is that your ultimate answer?” Sam asked.

“Whoa, skirting copyright, there. No, Superman was the first.”

Circle agreed, but it was actually the Phantom. X got a chance.

“Sally, She-Hulk got her green shape-changing powers from her cousin, the Hulk. What is She-Hulk’s day job?”

“She’s a scientist, just like her cousin, Bruce Banner,” Sally said. “They never spent all THAT much time on superwoman origin stories.”

X agreed, but She-Hulk is a practicing lawyer in the comics. Circle got another chance.

“Sally, in the Marvel comics, the Chameleon is a spy and a master of disguise. What other character is he related to?”

“Kraven the Hunter,” Sally said. “They set it up that way, Kraven doesn’t blend in to the city environment when he hunts Spiderman, but Chameleion blends in ANYWHERE.”

Sally hadn’t gotten many things right so far, so Circle disagreed. But this time Sally had the right answer. X got yet another chance.

“Sally, who was Reed Richard’s roommate in college?”

“Ben Grimm. That’s how he got the job as Reed’s pilot.”

X disagreed. Turned out to be Dr. Doom, so X won that round. Sally breathed a deep sigh of relief.

So, another delay for describing the winning charity, then we were on to the last round.

X started with Froggie.

“Froggie, what fruit is known as the ‘Fruit Of The Testicle Tree?’”

She got a wicked smile on her face and softly said, “I always thought of them as cute little kiwi fruits. I was famous for a wicked fruit salad I used to-“

“This is not a cable show!” Sam shouted desperately. She turned to the woman at X. “Kiwi. She identified Kiwi.”

“I disagree, I think it’s the avocado.”

“Very good, you’re correct. X gets the square.”



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Index

141. Charity Squares P2: The Games Start

143. Charity Squares P4: Groping In The Dark