Undining


Chip and Chrissy were at the door before noon the next day. Somber when I opened it, they burst into smiles as the tiny horde squealed in reunion.

They came inside and the kids led them to the kitchen, where I’d been making pancakes.

They sat and said the usual things after a funeral. Nice turnout, lovely eulogy, people’s happy memories.

“Which reminds me,” Chip said to me. “There’s a song Dad used to always sing on fishing trips. I wondered if you might own a copy.”

“I’ll bet you five bucks I don’t,” I said.

“I’ll bet you do,” he countered. “It’s exactly the sort of song-“

“Don’t do it, Mr. Chip!” Ace warned him from her seat on Raven’s shoulder.

“It’s a sucker bet!” Brandy called.

Chip looked from sylph to sylph to me to sylph… “What’s going on?”

“If the song is ‘In Heaven There Is No Beer,” I said, “I used to own a copy of that. But the CD is in Raven’s suitcase.”

Chip stared, his mouth open, no sounds coming out. Advancing the conversation fell to his wife. “Why?” Chrissy asked.

“Ace won it off me in a poker game,” I said. “You might have warned me that she was a card shark when you dropped her off here.”

The kids laughed, the sylphs giggled. Chip goggled.

“We can’t take one of your CD’s,” Chrissy said.

“Sure you can!” Delli shouted from the sylph place in the center of the table.

“Feel free!” Cher begged.

“It really is no problem!” Electra added. She ran over to Chrissy’s wrist and gripped the woman. “NO ONE will stop you from taking that CD out of this house. You’re welcome to it!”

“And any other novelty collections that catch your fancy!” Delli shouted helpfully.

The kids laughed again.

“Philistines,” I snarled. “I’m surrounded by Philistines.” And yea, they did laugh with merriment for a long while.

“How did you know?” Chip finally asked.

“It’s kind of a ghost story,” I said. I looked around. “It’s noon, it’s sunny, we’re eating pancakes. Good. It’s not a campfire sort of ghost story.”

-----

The Obriens took off for home soon after that. We drove out several hours later, just before sunset. We had to meet Mia and Stephen at the studio.

We met in the parking lot next to a tow truck. We followed the truck out to a ravine southeast of Boise, on a side rode visible from the freeway.

The Coles rode in the Tantive IV with us, marveling at the scenery.

Well, maybe ‘marvel’ isn’t the right word. Native Floridians coming from a city that was basically a jungle, the vast distances between green plants out here caught their attention, anyway.

“IS it always this… color?” Stephen asked. I assume that he edited out ‘bland’ or ‘dead’ or ‘frightening.’

“Pretty much,” I said. “It does turn green in spring.”

“As long as you don’t blink, you might even see it,” Cher muttered softly. Just not so softly it might be missed by the human who chose to live in such a blighted wasteland.

“Never mind him,” I said. “He’s from the Great Woods of Canada.”

“New Hampshire!” he shouted.

“So, Canada, give or take a tiny state line.”

The Scout Troop was already there when we arrived. I waved to Glenda. Our security head presented her kids, the scouts she den-mothered, then the rest of the pack.

The pack had been cleaning the spot for two days. They’d taken a few ‘before’ photos of the site, and some of the ‘after.’ We got the truck dragging the rusty cars and the washing machine out of the stream and away. While Glenda and I saw to the last of the scrap, Mia stood on the roof of the Tantive IV and addressed the scouts.

She spoke of what an undine ceremony was, and what it wasn’t (rumors of Satanic worship were rampant those days). She explained what she thought Gaia wanted and what she’d give back.

And Electra explained that we were going to respect the ceremony without taking pictures. Everyone could ask for Mia’s autograph, or take their own before/after photos of the site, but not the ceremony itself.

They seemed agreeable, until Glenda started to walk around with a bucket, asking for phones.

“It’s getting dark! I’ll need the flashlight function!” was the first protest. Stephen looked to me, shaking his head.

“You called it.” He then opened a bag of hand-cranked flashlights we’d picked up for just this situation. Each scout got to keep one.

Then Stephen picked up Mia and picked out a place to hold the ceremony. She sat on his shoulder and started directing people.

I put the sylph carrier down at Stephen’s feet, opened the door, and started to mosey over to the car.

“Conrad?” Mia called.

I turned and replied, still backing away. “I, uh, wanted to see what this looks like from the side.

“You know, every account I’ve ever read of an undine ceremony was from a participant. I want to stand apart, see what there is to see.”

“You think it’s fake?” Stephen asked. “Some group hallucination or something?”

“Not at all!” I protested.

“That’s why he’s so scared,” Electra said. She knows me too well. I guessed that she could explain. I turned back just in time to step over the little stream, then climbed the other side of the ravine, up to the road.

Headlights zoomed by on 84. In the other direction, flashlights bobbed and formed into a diamond pattern, then added a square…

I never saw the column of light that they reported, or saw it change to a column of water. Just at one point, suddenly, there was a splash and everyone was giggling about being wet. A little weird, the water coming out of nowhere, but not that supernatural.

But right before that…

I hadn’t wanted to come to the attention of a world. I mean, I’ve been on Get Up America, and I was visible for brief moments on Electra’s premiere. And while both shows had some outstanding market shares, it wasn’t a whole word looking at me.

I wasn’t prepared to face that kind of notice. I frankly wanted nothing to do with a world-spanning intelligence. I have no idea where the fear came from, but it was real.

So I stood by the car, peering at the goings-on, when I felt…something. Someone, standing beside me.

I had no idea what Mia had summoned into our presence. Was it Gaia? Mortimer? Some other ghost?

I felt kind of exposed, there on the road. Friends were far away from me, and their attention was centered on…

On the Earth Goddess.

So, whatever it was that I felt, I couldn’t let it transmit to Electra, Cher, Delli. I’d never forgive myself if I ruined this for them because of a perfectly valid panic attack in the dark.

For their sakes, I ignored the invisible scary god-only-knows-what that was slavering at my elbow. As long as it held off the attack until they were done, I concentrated on how much I loved the three sylphs, hoping for them to enjoy the ceremony.

And I wondered what we’d do if just one of them became an undine tonight…

Three of them would be fine. Just redesign the sets, some new furniture. MAYBE change the name of the show…

Same if it was just Electra. Or just Cher. Make the hair/makeup chair more adjustable in height.

Delli being twice the size of Cher would probably ruin their relationship, though. Cher liked to be in charge.

On the other hand, she’d have to replace her whole, entire, under-utilized wardrobe, so SHE would just be giggling the whole way home. Cher would be happy for her, but they’d have to recalibrate their partnership.

This chain of thoughts didn’t take as long to think about as it just did to type. But however long it did take, I was distracted from my fear for the whole ceremony.

Splash! They were all laughing, and I was alone again.

I didn’t feel anything and stole a look around. And shone the flashlight down. I was half-expecting footprints in the dirt behind me, but there was nothing.

------

It was a chatty bunch on the way back to the studio.

No one had become an undine, but three kids no longer needed their glasses. And everyone’s acne had cleared up.

And they’d all seen the Face that everyone spoke about.

They talked about what they’d seen, what they’d felt, what thoughts occurred to them (Delli distinctly rememberd thinking she’d have to sew an entirely new wardrobe for Electra, but couldn’t imagine why).

And they all told me… Well, long before we got to the outskirts of Boise, I slowed down enough to say, “Look, one more person says ‘Conrad, you shoulda been there,’ I’ll wrap this car around a tree.”

There was a sudden and shocked silence.

“Okay, you’re right,” I amended. “Not a tree, but a telephone pole or a concrete pillar. Nothing alive. It wouldn’t be right after not participating in such an event.” The silence stretched. Then Mia realized I’d been joking and started laughing. Everyone laughed.

But NO ONE said that I shoulda been in the ceremony after that.

Mia was wiped after the ceremony, and Stephen wasn’t really concerned about their rental. We promised to give them a ride to the studio for the filming and just dropped them at the hotel.

And then I was alone with my family for the first time in days.

It felt pretty good on the drive home. Everyone was still very happy, even joyful. No one was coming down from the ceremony high.

I got home and fixed a light snack for people who’d been up way, way, way past their bedtimes.

I drizzled warm choclate sauce over an ice cream sandwich and spread spoons around.

They dug in, smiling happily. About halfway through, Electra put down her spoon and looked up at me.

“I saw you, Conrad. During the ceremony.”

“Sylph hearing is phenomenal, but sylph eyesight would NOT have allowed you to see me all the way over there, across the ravine and down by the cars.”

“Not with my eyes, Conrad. Through someone else’s.”

“You’re going to freak him out,” Cher cautioned her.

“If he bolts now, we already have the ice cream,” Delli said.

“But he’s leaning on the table.”

“OH! He might spill the ice cream!”

“I love you guys,” Electra said, “but maybe we could tone it down a bit.”

“No, no,” I said. “I find their lack of sympathy calming.”

Instantly all three sylphs jumped up and ran to my hand. Cher hugged my wrist, Delli knelt between my fingers and kissed the back of my hand, Electra threw herself across my forearm.

“We sympathize,” Delli shouted. “We do. We just don’t want you to feel pressured about anything.”

“I know,” I said quite calmly. I pet them all, gently stroking backs and hair. “Really. I am a Praftfall American, joking is how I deal with stress. You guys joke about me, with me, for me… We’re good.”

So, once I’d calmed the people who were trying to calm me down, we had a quiet moment together.

Then I had to ask, “So…. Who saw me?”

“Earth, I think,” Electra said.

“I was too close to the ceremony,” I guessed.

“No,” Cher said slowly. “No, that wasn’t my take. It felt… It felt like…” He looked over at Electra, then Delli.

“I think,” Delli said, “that we’re all always under Earth’s scrutiny.”

“Yeah,” the others nodded.

She went on. “I think that the ceremony just lets us see that she’s regarding us. It changes our views, not hers.”

“That… That’s not a lot better,” I said. I thought about being watched everywhere. Everything I did, everything I’ve ever done. I started to shake.

“No, wait,” Electra said. “Gaia is life.” She spoke slowly, like I do when I’m looking for the words. But if Electra had to search for the words, this was a new and weird concept for her. Very unusual.

“She’s the whole biosphere. Everything alive makes her what she is. You’re not under the scrutiny of a powerful entity. You’re PART of the powerful deity.”

“That’s it!” Delli snapped her fingers.

“So when you watch Xander play with Brandy,” Cher said, “you’re Gaia, and you’re watching Gaia.”

“And when you tuck Raven in, you’re being nice to Gaia,” Delli said.

“And when we make lo-“ Electra started to say.

“I think that’s a step too far to contemplate,” I said softly. She zipped her lip. I stared at the table for a minute.

Finally I felt that they still needed to express their excitement for a little longer. “So, what was everyone’s favorite part?”

“You designing an undine makeup chair,” Cher said.

I probably laufhed a lot louder than really necessary, but then, I really, really needed to laugh about then.

-----

The next day, we filmed the interview.

First we filmed Electra, Cher and Delli talking about the ceremony in the living room of their set. Impressions, emotions, sights.

This was why we’d staged a ceremony first. To have our (by which I mean everyone on the sylph side of the camera) experiences to talk about, rather than other people’s.

“The face…” Electra said.

“She looked like she was glad to see us!” Cher said.

“Well, we did clean up the scrap and the trash,” Delli observed.

“No…” Cher said. “No, I think that just made it easier for us to see her. SHE was glad to see us, just because we went looking for her.”

“I think that’s right,” Electra said. I mean, all I did was wrestle one popsicle stick out of the dirt.”

“One that humans had stepped over a dozen times, without seeing,” Delli added.

“Yeah, well, I helped, but not that much. But I felt that Earth, or whoever, was looking at ME, welcomeing ME.” She glanced at the camera. “And looking at Conrad.”

I have added LED’s to the camera mounts. Part of their purpose is to let people know which camera is looking at them, and there’s another LED I can turn on when we’re ‘experiencing technical difficulties.’

When Electra said my name, I turned on the blue light as if there were problems recording her. “OH, pooh! Don’t be like that, Conrad!”

Then we moved to the Beach and introduced Mia. Electra gave a short review of the Mia’s troubled history from the top of her lifeguard tower, then leaned over to hug Mia in welcome.

“That’s good,” Stephen said softly in the control booth. That’s how we refer to the far end of the conference table. The sets are placed at the end closest to the door, and the monitors and my keyboard get set up in ‘the control booth.’

Anyway, I asked him about his comment. “It’s just that after her transformation, no one knows how to deal with Mia. Whether it’s safe to even touch her.”

“Like sylphing all over again,” I nodded.

She gave much the same talk as she gave the scouts, but not exactly the same. I realized it wasn’t a speech as much as her expressing her feelings more naturally.

Either that, or she was very good at giving speeches…

Whatver the truth was, it was a relaxed discussion. Electra brought up our suspicion that Gaia isn’t a separate being as much as a macro being, part of us and part of everyone else.

Mia didn’t quite agree, but that was mostly her impression, nothing she could point to as evidence.

“Well, I can only say that I don’t FEEL like, I dunno, a subroutine in a larger program.”

“But it would make sense, wouldn’t it?” Electra asked. Mia laughed at that. Electra just looked questioningly at her. She sat patiently through Mia’s laughter, waiting to hear the joke.

“A six-inch tall woman is asking a twelve-inch tall woman if there’s a reasonable explanation for a miracle!” Mia finally got out.

That set Electra off. I called up the before and after pictures of the ravine. I put them on the screen while they laughed in the background.

We turned the interview over to editing, with a copy to be made available to the Sylph Center. We always run an interview through the Anthonys if it’s something they asked us to do.

They almost never have any comments on our shows, but when they do, they’re good ideas.

With work out of the way, we invited the Coles out for finger steaks.

We got the looks we always get. I’ve never heard of finger steaks being served anywhere but Idaho.

Strips of beef cut to about the size of a French fry, dipped in batter and deep fried. I think the best places use sourdough batter, though Electra insists that the marinade for the steak is the critical distinction.

Delli argues that it’s the beef itself, and Angus is crucial. Cher just looks down his nose at the name.

Stephen and Mia were delighted by the ones we ended up with. Most of our guests are.

Stephen even asked if we had a recipe. I offered a family version, warning him to be careful when he cooked them.

“Ah, yes,” he said, glancing down to where Mia was nibbling away at her steak. “Spattering oil can really hurt sylphs and undines.”

“That’s not the half of it,” I said. “Every time I’ve made finger steaks, when you get to the end of the steaks, you still have batter. You start looking for other things to throw in the oil.”

“What have you fried in sourdough batter?” Mia asked with a smile.

“Sliced fruit, Hershey’s Kisses, marsh mallows, cookies…” I said, then slowed as I thought about it. “Salad.”

“Leftover pizza toppings,” Electra volunteered. “Pepperoni, Canadian bacon, mushrooms.”

“Poppers,” Delli added. “He ran out of HIS food, one night, so he threw OUR snacks in.”

“We weren’t able to stop him,” Cher said with a sad shake of his head. “We were hiding, just to be on the safe side.”

“Important safety tip,” Stephen laughed. “Hide anyone that might fit in the deep fryer when making finger steaks.”

“Well, we’d have to have Annie over when we try it,” Mia said. “We’ll have her bring the armored carrier.”

“That locks from the inside,” Electra warned her.

-----

As I climbed into bed that night, Electra gasped suddenly. I put her down on her pillow and lay next to her. “What’s up?”

“I might have turned into an undine last night!”

“Yes, you might have,” I said

“That would change everything!” she said.

“Not that much. Build a new set, find a new name for the show. You’d have to be careful how you hug your guests, tiny sylphs are fragile. You’ve hurt people before, you recall.”

“Fuck you,” she said absently. “I mean, I’d be An UNDINE! I’d have different responsibilities!”

“You mean, instead of helping people, you’d feel obligated to help people?” I asked. I shook my head. “Electra, we wouldn’t even have to get different business cards.”

“But… But… The show? We’d be out having ceremonies, not interviews! I couldn’t justify having a costume department for cleaning up pollution, or getting my hair done to curse someone’s AIDS!”

“That’s probably true,” I said. I pushed my hand down on her pillow, she rolled down the sudden slope to land on my palm. “But don’t worry, silly sylph, it didn’t happen.”

“But it could have. We should have thought about this before we did the ceremony.” She curled up and stared across the room.

“Before the ceremony, I knew a few things,” I pointed out. “Not all syphs become undines. But those that do, there are some things they have in common.”

I counted them out with the fingers of my free hand. “For one, there has to be at least half a ton of trash hauled from the site. We found a place with two abandoned cars.”

“Another, the ceremony has to be sincerely for Earth. That’s why ceremonies in LA fail, if they’re just hoping for a Fountain of Youthing. We had scouts, not starlets.”

She started to nod, but still wasn’t looking up at me.

“Third, the sylph must be loved. And she must KNOW she’s loved. Or the ceremony doesn’t work. Our ceremony worked.”

“You…” She sat up and looked me in the eye. “Were you TRYING to make me an undine, Conrad?”

“That wasn’t the goal, but if you were fated to become a healer, I wanted to give you, or Earth, every possible chance.” I glanced away. “It’d be, um, good for ratings.”

“Ratings? If I became an undine, we wouldn’t have ratings! We wouldn’t have a show!”

“I think you’re wrong,” I said. “We’d just have to travel more. ‘Join us next week, a little ways outside of Butte, Montana, where there’s a trash mound near a cancer clinic…’ We’d find a way to go on.

“And you, Electra, would be helping humans AND sylphs and undines and whatever else comes down the pipe.”

“Pike,” she said. “Whatever else comes down the pike.”

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Conrad, I have ALWAYS been sure.”

“And I’m sure we’d still have a show. We’d also have ceremonies. And we’d see a LOT of starry night skies.” I laughed then, I admit it. I don’t often get to spring my trap like that.

“Clever,” she said softly.

“I thought so.” I rolled over onto my back, cuddling her against my throat. “So, are we through with the existential angst?”



-----
Index

146. Dining In

148. Blank