Blackadder’s Travels,
Part 7: Glubbdubdrib





(A small ship sails between the islands)

BLACKADDER NARRATES: The ship I had obtained in a crooked poker game was too small for the journey from our present location to our beloved homeland. I directed the captain of the vessel to find a port whereby we might engage passage on a larger ship destined for England or the more traveled sections of Europe, or even France if we were so reduced in options. At that point, having no further need of a small barque limited to operations on the far side of the world from my bank accounts, I intended to make a gift of the vessel to the captain as recompense for his efforts on my behalf.

(The ship enters a harbor)

BLACKADDER NARRATES: Our first attempt to locate suitable passage was in Maldonada.

(Three weathered old salts sit on the pier, whittling. BLACKADDER walks up to them.)

BLACKADDER: Excuse me, gentlemen, I’m trying to find means to travel back to England. Or Europe. Anyone know of a ship headed in that direction?

saltPERCY: Did your father abandon you?

BLACKADDER: Well, yes, after I paid him four pounds to move to Dover and never speak to me again, he did indeed, technically, abandon me.

saltPERCY: Your desire to return to your motherland stems from a need for validation from your mother, the only remaining authority figure in your life, the leader you respect and from whom you require respect.

BLACKADDER: The only thing I respect about my mother is that she held out for eight pounds and moving expenses.

saltGEORGE: Are you perhaps an only child?

BLACKADDER: While I have no way to surely know if I am, in fact, the only product of the loins of the two people that brought me into the world, either singularly or in concert, I was raised alone.

saltGEORGE: So, seeking a level of familial familiarity lacking in foreign climes, you return to the titular womb of your so-called fatherland, to experience congress with those that are as similar to you as possible, a virtual family which you perceive as your siblings.

BLACKADDER: I’m as much a brother to the slack witted, flat headed, mouth breathing, knuckle dragging, celebrity emulating, authority supplicating, lip reading, fad following, brain dead jackasses of any nation between here and Timbuktu as I am those fools at home. The only thing that makes England more attractive than any place I’ve been in the last 7 episodes is that I’ve an established line of credit there.

saltELIZABETH: (stroking her beard) Are you perhaps a man who takes special care of his hygiene?

BLACKADDER: Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, I am.

saltELIZABETH: Then I believe your desire to return to your homeland is based on your discomfort with using the toiletries, and the toilets, of unfamiliar lands. You can’t go, as it were, where you didn’t grow. Up, that is.

BLACKADDER: Oh, please! That’s like saying that I want to hurry home because out here, there’s only one Baldrick to smell.

saltELIZABETH: A smell that reminds you of matters pertaining to toilets, no?

BLACKADDER: Okay, you have a point there, but that’s always been the case with L'Eau d' Baldrique.

saltELIZABETH: Then there’s at least some evidence that I am correct?

BLACKADDER: No. (turns and walks down the pier, back the way he came.)

BLACKADDER NARRATES: But it proved to be that the inhabitants of Maldonada had fallen victim to the malady of gibberish, and were no help at all. Our search continued.

(A small ship sails between the islands)

BLACKADDER NARRATES: The captain then felt confident in the ability to find a connecting sail in the single port of the island of Glubbdubdrib. The governor of that small island maintained cordial relations, and trade, with Japan. And as the only Europeans allowed on Japan were Hollanders, Glubbdubdrib was a very busy secondary market for the goods of Nippon.

(The ship enters a busy harbor)

(Three very weathered old salts sit on the pier, whittling. BLACKADDER walks up to them.)

BLACKADDER: Excuse me, gentlemen, I’m trying to find means to travel back to England. Or Europe. Anyone know of a ship headed in that direction?

saltierPERCY: The Greyhound leaves for Luxembourg in a fortnight.

BLACKADDER: Thank you, that’ll be perfect.

saltierGEORGE: You don’t name ships after dogs. It’s bad luck. You name ships after nautical elements: seas, currents, fish, winds…things of the ocean.

saltierELIZABETH: Hey, what’s your ship’s name?

saltierGEORGE: The Penguin.

saltierPERCY: That’s a bird!

saltierGEORGE: But it’s a bird that swims. In the ocean. Makes it an ocean thing.

BLACKADDER: Excuse me, I’m not really concerned with nautical superstitions, could you direct me to the slip The Greyhound is tied to?

saltierELIZABETH: How about naming it the Pipe?

saltierGEORGE: ‘Course not. Who’d name a ship the Pipe?

saltierPERCY: (takes saltierGEORGE’s pipe and throws it into the water off of the pier) You would, seeing as how it’s an ocean thing now.

saltierGEORGE: Oh, that’s ridiculous. It’s a harbor thing, now. (BLACKADDER turns and walks down the pier.)

saltierELIZABETH: And the harbor’s part of the ocean.

saltierGEORGE: No, if it was part of the ocean, we’d call it ocean, not harbor. We call it a different thing because it is a different thing.

saltierPERCY: (Produces an axe, lays the edge against saltierGEORGE’s ankle) Now, this is your foot. Are you saying that because we don’t call it George, it isn’t part of you?

BLACKADDER NARRATES: I managed to ascertain the location of The Greyhound and arranged our transportation back towards Europe and eventually Britain (BLACKADDER and BALDRICK supervising their luggage and cargo being brought aboard). With just over two weeks before the ship pulled out, though, we were open to any options for amusing ourselves in the interim. (BLACKADDER and BALDRICK toast each other with pints in a bar. Behind them, a fight breaks out and saltierGEORGE stands to swing his crutch (he is bandaged about the ankle that was threatened by saltierPERCY) at saltierELIZABETH)

saltierGEORGE: You couldn’t debate your way out of a debate society whose only rule for expulsion was that you got kicked out anytime you were unable to debate your way out!

saltierELIZABETH: (pulls knife from beard) C’MERE! I’ll refute your dumb mug!

(BLACKADDER and BALDRICK work their way to the door through an angried mob.)

BLACKADDER NARRATES: But we weren’t so open to options that we didn’t place a higher priority on any opportunity that would take us some distance from the waterfront.

----

(BLACKADDER and BALDRICK ride a carriage along a country road, near a large mansion)

BLACKADDER NARRATES: We learned that the governor of Glubbdubdrib was possessed of a rather singular household staff. We begged an opportunity to observe this phenomenom, at the least for a diversion, perhaps to learn something useful. We were invited to visit, and even welcomed to stay for the duration of our time in Glubbdubdrib. (Carriage stops at the mansion, they are handed down by a caveman and a Tahitian wahine. A woman in Roman togas escorts them within, through doors guarded by matched pairs of Huns, and across a courtyard filled with people performing various tasks. Their dress reflects costumes of many widely separated eras of history.) Our host was a sorcerer, capable of summoning any human being of any time or culture from the ranks of the dead. They served him as their master, for no greater than twenty three hours, and were completely his creatures for that period.

(they take a meal, sitting at a table with a few people, mageMELCHITT at the head, usual array of servants)

mageMELCHITT: Well, it came to me one day, after one of my servants tilted over and fell dead in the Waldorf salad, that after all the time and money spent on his training, his accouterments, his bed and board, he was going to spend eternity not repaying me for my outlay.

BLACKADDER: How inconvenient.

mageMELCHITT: Exactly. So I set about to determine how to bring the dead back to life.

BLACKADDER: Are these people alive?

mageMELCHITT: Oh, no, no. That didn’t work out. But I did manage to bring them back ‘among’ the living. They’re as solid as you and I (takes a handful of salt from a convenient shaker), unless (scatters it at a shade of, by all appearances, Joan of Arc, she disappears with a ‘poof’) they encounter salt.

BLACKADDER: So, no point in bringing back the great boullion chefs of history.

mageMELCHITT: Indeed not.

BLACKADDER: So, you can bring back…anyone?

mageMELCHITT: Anyone who’s ever lived, who is currently dead.

BLACKADDER: Really…

mageMELCHITT: Of course, everyone who visits wishes to have some philosopher or historical figure brought back.

BLACKADDER: Of course.

mageMELCHITT: So, I created a room whereby anyone besides me can utilize the spell.

BLACKADDER: Really?

mageMELCHITT: Yes. Saves me loads of time. Plato here will show you the way. Bring back anyone you please, for as long as you like. They can just never leave the room.

BLACKADDER: Why, thank you, your grace.

mageMELCHITT: Not at all. Have fun!

BLACKADDER NARRATES (as they walk down a long hall to a candle-lit room with four large alcoves): The opportunity before me fired my imagination. All the wise and powerful men of history were at my disposal, for up to a day, for all the information and enlightenment I could glean from them. The shade of Plato found us chairs, instructed us in the use of the room, and departed on other errands for his current master. I took a deep breath and prepared to learn history from the very mouths of history.

BLACKADDER: (calls into alcove) I should like to see Edmund, Duke of Edinburough. (the shade of the first series Blackadder minces from the alcove. He is whole, but blood marks his head, wrists, ankles, other places the torture device ravaged him before his death)

deadBLACKADDER: Mmmyes?

BLACKADDER: Blackadder?

deadBLACKADDER: Yes?

BLACKADDER: Edmund, Duke of Edinburough, the very first Blackadder to bear the name?

deadBLACKADDER: Why, yes.

BLACKADDER: The first of a long line of British souls to share the name, the distinction of being Blackadder?

deadBLACKADDER: Yes, yes indeed. Do I know you?

BLACKADDER: Well, sir, I have had the desire all my life… for as long as I can remember, since I first heard your story, I have wanted to meet you.

deadBLACKADDER: And you have.

BLACKADDER: Yes, yes. And I just want…I mean, I can only say (punches deadBLACKADDER in the face) You stupid BASTARD!

deadBLACKADDER: Ow!

BLACKADDER: (another punch) King for thirty measly seconds.

deadBLACKADDER: Please, please, my face!

BLACKADDER: What do you care, you’re dead.

deadBLACKADDER: Oh, right. Carry on, then.

BLACKADDER: I mean seriously. Right on the edge of establishing a dynasty of Blackadders, a line of kings reaching from you down to, at the very least, me, you muck it up worse than a guillotine operator who gets drunk and decides to find out if you really do see the basket coming up to your face.

deadBLACKADDER: Um, I’m not quite sure what a guillotine is…

BLACKADDER: Shuddup! (slap) I mean, dammit, Lady Jane Grey had the throne longer, and she was a damned woman! (slap) Edward the fifth was a CHILD and had the damned thing for two months. Do you know what your genetic and spiritual descendents have been doing since your untimely demise?

deadBLACKADDER: International financiers?

BLACKADDER: No. A spy, a fishmonger, a failed revolutionary, a sheep herder, a butler, a substitute French tutor and a nobleman at court.

deadBLACKADDER: Ah! A nobleman!

BLACKADDER: In queen Elizabeth’s court! Might as well have been a professional Inquisition baiter.

deadBLACKADDER: Look, I’m sorry things turned out as they did, but I –

BLACKADDER: Oh, save it for judgment day. (takes salt shaker out, flicks at the shade)

deadBLACKADDER: POOF!

BLACKADDER: Well. That was fun.

BALDRICK: And who are you going to call now, milord?

BLACKADDER: Ah. Well, I don’t know.

BALDRICK: I know who I’d call.

BLACKADDER: Who?

BALDRICK: Our lord and savior.

BLACKADDER: Ebeneezer Scrooge?

BALDRICK: No, sir! Jesus, sir.

BLACKADDER: Oh.

BALDRICK: Yes. I’d love to set my eyes on the Lamb of God, and perhaps ask a blessing, or a parable to help me understand the justification of suffering on Earth being allowed by a compassionate God.

BLACKADDER: You’d have a better chance asking to understand why there are beasts on Earth you can be mistaken for…gorillas, chimpanzees, humans.

BALDRICK: I don’t care, sir. I want to see him. And maybe ask which of the churches that use His name are His in earnest.

BLACKADDER: Go ahead, Baldrick. (steps behind BALDRICK. Thinks about it and takes a further step back from BALDRICK)

BALDRICK: I want to see….Jesus, Christ Almighty! (silence)

BLACKADDER: Maybe He’s hard of hearing.

BALDRICK: He’s God, sir!

BLACKADDER: Doesn’t mean He’s perfect.

BALDRICK: (louder) I WANT TO SEE JESUS!

BLACKADDER: That should raise the dead. (silence)

BALDRICK: Oh, God!

BLACKADDER: Or no god, as the case may be.

BALDRICK: Oh, Mr. B.! If there’s no Jesus, then everything I learned in church is a lie. I’m not going to go to Heaven! I’m going to end up in Hell! Or Worse!

BLACKADDER: (sigh) While I have no doubt that much of what you learned in church is a lie, or at least a prevarication, this isn’t a reason to panic. Jesus died and came back to life. If He’s still alive, then He’s not going to show up here in the Hall of the Dead.

BALDRICK: Oh. Yeah. That’s right.

BLACKADDER: So calm down. But…

BALDRICK: But what, sir?

BLACKADDER: But you have given me an idea.

BALDRICK: Is it a clever idea, sir?

BLACKADDER: Perhaps. You know, there’s always been one individual I found particularly intriguing.

BALDRICK: Lady Smythe?

BLACKADDER: An historical figure, dunderhead. (whack!) Paul.

BALDRICK: Paul?

BLACKADDER: Yes. Paul. A Jew who tortured and killed heretics, including Christians, until he became one. He rejected the physical Jesus, who he never met, and the followers who had met Him, in favor of the Jesus of his ‘vision.’ He almost singlehandedly invented Christianity as we know it today, saying he was inspired by God, but also admitting some things he just came up with on his own.

BALDRICK: And you admire him, Mr. B.?

BLACKADDER: I always admire success, Baldrick. (steps to alcove) I want to meet Paul of Tarsus. (from the depths of shadow, a version of Blackadder emerges, dressed in the robes normally associated with 1st century Jerusalem)

PaulADDER: Hello.

BLACKADDER: Oh, this explains a lot…

PaulADDER: How can I help you?

BLACKADDER: You know, I always kind of assumed that Judas had been one of my ancestors.

PaulADDER: Really? Imagine that you’re a disappointed Apostle. You’ve betrayed the single greatest religious figure the world has ever seen, the messiah who’s come to save us from our selves, stifling His message of love and compassion with a certainty of his torture, death and being nailed to a post. Can you imagine yourself doing that?

BLACKADDER: Why, yes.

PaulADDER: Then, do you hang yourself from guilt afterwards?

BLACKADDER: Um, no. I don’t see myself feeling guilty.

PaulADDER: Well there you go, then. (takes a chair, glances at a wine bottle on a nearby table)

BLACKADDER: So tell me, (pours a glass of wine for his guest) how did you come to follow Jesus?

PaulADDER: Oh, I don’t know. I just picked a common name at random. There was always another Jesus around, back then, you could count on someone, somewhere knowing one you could blame for things.

BLACKADDER: So, were you aware of Jesus the Prophet?

PaulADDER: There were dozens of prophets at any one time, stamping out them and their followers was a Jewish industry. Kept us busy. Stimulated the economy and all that.

BALDRICK: Mr. Blackadder, can I-

PaulADDER: Judas! How are you doing?

BALDRICK: Excuse me?

BLACKADDER: Never mind, Baldrick, what do you want?

BALDRICK: While you’re having your conversation, can I call someone out of the land of the dead?

BLACKADDER: Yes. Just go over to that side of the room, please.

BALDRICK: Yes, sir. (steps to alcove farthest from BLACKADDER and PaulADDER) I wanna see Baldrick!

VOICE (from the alcove nearest BALDRICK): Which one?

BALDRICK: I dunno. All of ‘em.

(a mob of Baldricks issue forth, swarming the left side of the room, surrounding BALDRICK. All are smiling, smelly and remarkably similar. The costumes stretch back across the depths of time but share an essence of…well, shit, to be frank.)

BLACKADDER: Baldrick! (they all turn to look) Um, keep to your side of the room, please.

BALDRICKS (plural): Oh, Yessir!

BLACKADDER: So anyway, how did you, a heresologist of some standing, come to create the Church, and most of the Bible, as we know it today?

PaulADDER: Oh, that. It was Passover, and my father came to my house for the feast. He stepped through the door, smelled the food, and threatened to kick me out of the family.

BLACKADDER: Because it was that bad?

PaulADDER: Because it was a delicious roast pork.

BLACKADDER: I’m sorry?

PaulADDER: Not many Jews in Britain these days, are there?

BLACKADDER: Not really.

PaulADDER: Ah. Well, just take it from me. Pork wasn’t Kosher.

BLACKADDER: So what did you do?

PaulADDER: I told him the Messiah had approached me and told me that the dietary laws of Kasruth had expired.

BLACKADDER: I see. And then the rest of your testimony about the Christ, the nature of our covenant with God, our chances for salvation…

PaulADDER: Oh, I had it all outlined by the end of the weekend, then fleshed it out while I was traveling around.

BLACKADDER: It seems rather inspired.

PaulADDER: Well, when you’ve hunted down as many heretics as I have, you can do a pretty good impression of them when you have to.

BLACKADDER: So, you made it all up?

PaulADDER: Oh, no. After I used the name Jesus with Father, I had to back it up. Went and found all the material I could for what prophets were saying in and around Jerusalem, meshed it together, attributed it all to the same guy.

BLACKADDER: Didn’t you have some problems with James? And his Church?

PaulADDER: Oh, please. If it weren’t for me, Jesus wouldn’t even have been a footnote in Pilate’s memoirs. They were all wrapped up in that He’d been there, and what He’d done.

BLACKADDER: And you?

PaulADDER: Saw the potential in the future. First off, we lost that whole ‘circumcision’ thing. It’s alright when you’re cut before you’re old enough to complain, but it was a distinct deal breaker when it came to recruiting. And dietary laws…

BLACKADDER NARRATES (as the two continue talking in the background): I found my ancestor fascinating. And while I was not in a position to recreate his successes, or even to horn in on his game for personal profit, I did appreciate the turn of his mind with respect to wringing all possible profit from historical events.

----

(Some time later, BLACKADDER is talking to a shade in contemporary costume, the other side of the room is still full of BALDRICKs)

BLACKADDER: Wonderful, wonderful. (taking quick notes) Thanks so much.

SHADE: Well, thank you for the rest. (lifts up an axe, gently inserts the blade into her head, walks carefully back into the darkness, slightly unbalanced)

mageMELCHITT (enterring room): Alright. It’s time to leave, unless you’re planning to spend the night here.

BLACKADDER: Oh. Um. Well. Somehow, the idea of sleeping in a house where the butlers are from beyond the grave…

mageMELCHITT: Yes, few guests stay the night the first time they visit. (turns to mob) So, avaunt thee, foul spirits. And I do mean foul. (BALDRICKs remain) I said, go! (tosses salt at the crowd, they brush it off) What the-

BLACKADDER: If I may? (tosses some powder at the mob.)

BALDRICK: POOF!

BALDRICK: POOF!

BALDRICK: POOF!

BALDRICK: POOF!

BALDRICK: POOF!

BALDRICK: POOF!

BALDRICK: POOF!

BALDRICK: POOF!

BALDRICK: POOF!

BALDRICK: POOF!

BALDRICK: POOF!

BALDRICK: POOF!

BALDRICK: Whoa, where’d everybody go?

mageMELCHITT: I say. What is the substance you employed, where traditional salt fell slack?

BLACKADDER: Soap.

mageMELCHITT: Ah. Of course. Well, let me have you escorted to your carriage. (Gestures to CLEOPATRA, who steps forward. She winks at BLACKADDER who winks back. He steps towards the egyptian queen, recoils when a viper rises from her décolletage, hissing.)

BLACKADDER: Um, yes, well, time indeed, to be going. Come along Baldrick.

BALDRICK: Yes, sir. So, who was that you were talking to at the end, sir?

BLACKADDER: Well, Baldrick, you’ve heard it said that some people retain power because they know where the bodies are buried?

BALDRICK: Yeah…

BLACKADDER: Well, (tucking sheets of paper away) I’ve just spent a few hours interviewing the bodies themselves. Should be quite useful when we return home.

----

(BLACKADDER and BALDRICK at the rail of the small barque, sailing across the waters)

BLACKADDER NARRATES: With some time left before our ship left port, we arranged a visit to the nearby island of Luggnagg, which was reputed to have some unique attraction in members of their population.

(Three extremely weathered old salts sit at an outside table, drinking. BLACKADDER and BALDRICK walk up to them.)

BLACKADDER: Excuse me, gentlemen, I’m trying to find some unique attraction your population is supposed to have? Something of interest to travelers?

saltiestPERCY: I believe you might be referring to the Struldbruggs.

BLACKADDER: And what are the Struldbruggs?

saltiestELIZABETH: Immortals.

BLACKADDER: Really? ‘Never to be forgotten’ immortals, or ‘not fearing death’ immortals, or actual ‘live forever or die trying’ immortals?

saltiestGEORGE: The last, as it happens.

BLACKADDER: Interesting. And how is this achieved? Potions? Elixirs? A steady regimen of healthful activities while avoiding the draining rigors of bathing, washing or fresh air?

saltiestPERCY: No. By some strange chance, some of our children are born with a red dot on their forehead, and they live normallly except for the fact that they never die.

BLACKADDER: ‘Live normally?’ I see. Come along, Baldrick, we’re going back. (they start walking along the street back to the barque)

BALDRICK: But sir, we haven’t seen the straddlebugs.

BLACKADDER: And what on Earth makes you think you’d want to?

BALDRICK: Oh, just think about it, sir, about what immortals might tell us.

BLACKADDER: Yes, their ‘things were better then’ stories would rival the Book of Genesis for outrageously tall tales.

BALDRICK: But their observations of the human condition would stretch across generations.

BLACKADDER: So did Grandmother MacAdder’s, and all she ever talked about was how much her corns hurt in 1703, how hard her knee was wrenched in 1697 and just how many times she fell down the stairs in 1692. The Human Condition is misery, Baldrick, and anyone with a clear view of it is going to be miserable.

BALDRICK: Why are you so down on immortality, sir? Why don’t you see it as a wonderful opportunity?

BLACKADDER: Because it’s not something they aspire or conspire to, Baldrick, it’s just something Nature does to them. And Nature is not our friend.

BALDRICK: Nature gives us a supreme intellect!

BLACKADDER: Right. (Stops, holds up both hands, one finger raised in each) I’m planning to poke you in the eye with one of these fingers, Baldrick. If your supreme intellect can determine which one it is, I won’t do it.

BALDRICK: Um…(finger waves between BLACKADDER’s hands)…uh…(points) THAT one?

BLACKADDER: Wrong. (pokes both fingers in BALDRICK’s eyes) So, what does that tell us?

BALDRICK: That your intellect is superior.

BLACKADDER: And Nature…

BALDRICK: Hates me.

BLACKADDER: Excellent. Now, off we go. (resumes walking)

BALDRICK: But don’t you want to see what it’s like to live with an endless possibility of tomorrows? I mean, you could invest a shilling, at one percent interest, and live to see it become a million pounds.

BLACKADDER: Which, with inflation, would be worth about tuppence by then. One p after taxes, of course.

BALDRICK: Well, what about finding a companion among other immortals? Someone to share your life with for eternity?

BLACKADDER: Baldrick, the only relationship I’ve ever had that lasted more than three years has been with you. The prospect of spending eternity with you would drive me mad.

BALDRICK: But if there were others like you…

BLACKADDER: Ever read Chaucer, Baldrick? For all that the man was allegedly writing in English, his words are particularly opaque in meaning. Languages change over time. It wouldn’t be long before anyone born of this age would end up isolated from society by the inability of anyone older or younger to understand him.

BALDRICK: But you could learn the new language, being there as it formed.

BLACKADDER: Think of the old people you know, Baldrick. Do you think they’re more likely to learn new things and new ways of living and philosophy, as the conventions of their time fade into history, or are they more likely to just bitch about how everything changes, and for the worse?

BALDRICK: I believe I take your meaning, sir.

BLACKADDER: The body ages, Baldrick, and the mind, firmly rooted inside, rots along with it. The aspect of living for eternity is worse than becoming a haunt. Ghosts seem to fade after 400 years; immortality would be an endlessly accumulating series of decline and deterioration, ending with the purest form of misery known to mankind.

BALDRICK: What’s that?

BLACKADDER: An unrequited death wish.

(they arrive at, and board, the barque)

BLACKADDER NARRATES: Finally, we said our goodbyes to the nation and neighbors of Glubbdubdrib. While there was much of interest to occupy our time there, we were not adverse, in the end, to leaving. (BLACKADDER and BALDRICK run up the gangway to The Greyhound just as they begin to cast off. A following mob pulls up short as the plank is lifted to the vessel)

BLACKADDER: Baldrick, the next time you deal me four aces, at least have the imagination to VARY the SUITS!

BLACKADDER NARRATES: No further adventures interrupted our return to Britain, and within the year, we were back at home, relaxing among the spoils of our labors.

(BLACKADDER sits on a couch, in a room replete with luxury, with a much smaller version of the fictotron beside him, cranking out a novel. BALDRICK enters)

BALDRICK: Sir! Your blackmail has arrived. (four people enter meekly.)

BLACKADDER: Ah. Lady. Gentlemen. Welcome. How goes the nation?

MELCHITTvictim: In accordance with your instructions, we have enacted legislation to protect the printers, distributors and consumers of pornography from any form of legal action concerning public morals or religious fervor.

BLACKADDER: Excellent.

PERCYvictim: In accordance with your instructions, the London Bridge is being redesigned to provide you an apartment atop it.

BLACKADDER: Wonderful.

GEORGEvictim: And the tax code has been rewritten to protect the interests of anyone who’s last name starts with “B-L-A” and rhymes with “MADDER.”

BLACKADDER: Supreme.

ELIZABETHvictim: And we have officially chartered the Guild of Actresses and Prostitutes, and invested you as the Guild President.

BLACKADDER: Magnificent. Thank you, thank you all. See you next month. (settles back into his seat as BALDRICK shows the others out).

(Cue credits)

And now, the ending of our tale,

BALDRICK: Sir? Are we done?

(credits and music stop)

BLACKADDER: (looks about at the opulence of his apartment) I certainly believe so, Baldrick. Why?

BALDRICK: But what about the Houyhnhnms?

BLACKADDER: An episode about a land of talking horses, that pretty much share my view of humanity? You think we could stretch that out to a full episode?

BALDRICK: Shouldn’t we try?

BLACKADDER: (shrugs deeper into his soft comfy sofa) I think we’ll give it a miss.

BALDRICK: But, the series will be unfinished, sir.

BLACKADDER: Oh, very well. But let’s just skip to the ending we all know is coming.

(BLACKADDER climbs to the bench of a carriage, raises the whip, steed turns around and whinnies:)

HOUYHNHNM: Don’t you dare!

BLACKADDER: Come on, let’s go.

HOUYHNHNM: Yeah, yeah. (starts hauling the carriage down the driveway. At the gate, the horse bullies through the crowd) Outta the way, lord and master coming through! Racist, look out.

BLACKADDER: Oh, let it go. Entering you in a horse race doesn’t make me a racist.

HOUYHNHNM: Race. Racist. Seems like the same root word to me. What’s the Latin word for ‘dumb-ass ape with a whip?’

BLACKADDER: I believe it’s the same word as used to say ‘a sizeable donation to a glue factory.’

(the scene fades as the horse’s eyes go wide.)

And now, the ending of our tale,
Where Blackadder has made the big time.
He traveled over hill and dale,
Which has increased the reach of his crimes.
Blackadder, Blackadder, he took Gulliver’s ride,
Blackadder, Blackadder, and went to the Dark Side.





Part 1: Lilliput

Part 2: Blefuscu

Part 3: Brobdingrag

Part 4: Lorbrulgrud

Part 5: Laputa

Part 6: Balnibarbi



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