What is the Rapture?

That prophesied point, in the future, when God returns to earth, and takes the chosen up into Heaven.

Judgement day.

No matter what The Chickster tells you, NO ONE is in Hell, yet. The distribution of souls takes place ONE time, when all who currently are (or died) drenched in the blood of the lamb go unto Heaven, and everyone else goes to the place prepared for Satan and the fallen.

Arguments arise, on and off line, about when the Rapture takes place with respect to the other events of Revelations. Some say that The Rapture is at the start of the 7 years of tribulations, some at the end, and some during. Anyone wishing to see or add to the discussion can search the web themselves.

We won't discuss our feelings on the timing, for most importantly, the bible says: "Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh." (Matthew 25:12) It doesn't say 'only the most clever will know' or 'just a few will figure it out.' This indicates that anyone with a 'Countdown To The Rapture' posted is probably wrong. So it will be like one big Surprise Party game of Hide and Seek. For on the Day of Judgement, the graves will open, and the unspoilt bodies of the saved will rise to Heaven. Some time after, those among the living who qualify will join those that have gone before. Millions of Christians will rise into the air, and leave open graves and unmanned cars behind.

What should I do at the Rapture?

If you are among the Chosen for Insta-Salvation, you will hear the voices of God and the Archangel calling out of the sky. Please take any necessary actions to leave the Earth in a safe state:


*The bible states: "Taken Up" but is without comment on material barriers. This could be embarrassing for people taken up from the ground floor of a large building.

If you are chosen, all cares will now be behind you. Go with God, and Blessed Be.

But what if you hear the Call and stand there, waiting? Again, it is unclear how long the time is between the opening of the graves and the taking of the living. Remain patient, and optimistic, and keep moving towards open ground.

It is unsure whether the Divine Call will be heard by the unworthy, but those Left Behind will certainly become aware of the two big signs of the Rapture. Any Christian hearing stories of mass grave desecration, WORLD WIDE, should be able to determine the cause. But if you are still on Earth when the stories of millions of missing non-buried Christians are told, you may have to consider that you are not going to be taken up.

What should I do after the Rapture?

First off, there will be many theories about the Missing, and many will take the opportunity to spout their screed on television. Some will describe the Rapture. You that are left behind will only be able to know by judging the empty churches. Is only one church gone, or only select members of every Christian congregation? A key thought to interpreting and judging these broadcasts is this: All the real Christians are gone.

Anyone left,

however strident or compassionate,

was Wrong.

Beware religious leaders. Either The Pope, or Jerry Falwell will still be on Earth. They can't both be right. Maybe both are wrong, and remain. Expect the spiritual landscape to go NUTS. Some Christians have postulated that immediately after the Rapture, the churches will be full. These people are not students of history. Humans have NEVER been happy to be on the losing side. The big question: are they going to attack remaining 'Christians' or burn the empty churches first?

What do I do IMMEDIATELY after the Rapture?

Once you are sure that the Rapture has taken place, there are some things you NEED to do. And some things you will NEED to have on hand. Use this checklist to shop accordingly, and soon. For we know not when you will need this stuff.

  • You'll want to find the hole in your faith that left you on Earth, and correct your personal doctrine to match.
  • First, examination of the list of the Newly Missing should provide clues to Who Won.
  • Next, with the Winning Doctrine identified, you'll want to study up before the Millenial Kingdom of God is at hand. This will be a bad time to be at the Mall, asking the Gospel Bookstore lady for the CORRECT Bible. It will be equally dangerous to loot the emptied churches for literature. The only solution is to stock up NOW. Find every version of the Bible, and other religious doctrine. You can always burn the other losing ones for fuel, later.
  • You'll need to study, to pray, and to worship. If the Amish went up, you only need three people, anywhere, to do this. If it turns out the Catholics were right, we're going to need a lot more equipment. Again, preparation is the key. The price of a Post Rapture rosary will be either meaningless, or thousands of dollars. Start collecting, preferably in a hidden chamber.
  • Dietary restrictions. It is recommended that you prepare separate blank shopping lists to match the different faiths. For example, if the Mormons won, you'll want it to look like you NEVER drank coke or coffee. Vet your trash, as necessary.
  • Circumcision. Many think this is not required for salvation. Some fringe sects, though, think it was a recruiting decision, not a divine one, in that the cut was a real deal-breaker for early Gentiles. It may turn out to be required. Three Choices: Do it now, with general anasthetic and a private doctor; when the Army Of God recruits you for the final Battle with the AntiChrist, with Army Doctors; do it yourself, to yourself. Choose wisely.
  • Birth Control. Make sure anything you may currently practice is removeable, reversible, or flushable, as may be required.
  • Beard. Grow one. You may need it. One bible version says not to shave, it is a pagan practice. On the Day After, being bearded or clean-shaven will probably not draw attention. Stubble may point you out as one that has Figured It Out to the Wrong People.
  • Televangelists. Pay cash. Anonymously. Right or wrong, you don't want the torch-waving mobs to find a paper trail to you.
  • We hope this helps you prepare for the coming Second Coming. And look on the bright side: one way or another, the JW's won't be coming door to door anymore.

    They'll be Gone or Wrong,

    and no more ding-dong.

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